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Things I’ve learned as a comedian.

Every so often I get emails from new comedians asking for advice. To be honest I tell most of them to GIVE UP because I don't need the competition and the world doesn't need anymore jokes about Chewbacca or Scooby Doo ... but if you're a beginner you might find something of interest/help in here. I've also asked a bunch of comedians I really like to give their thoughts. Remember, there are no rules to Stand-Up Comedy, these are just some things I've learnt...

I'll add to this list every couple of weeks so keep checking back.

PART 8

Here we go again kiddies - this time its the very funny Mick Ferry (he's one of my favourites). You'll want to read this one twice. Read it and learn, read it and learn...

Mick Ferry:

Standing at a jaunty angle can get you onto the telly.
Some amazing things can happen on trains or buses, usually they are wonderful moments that need to be explained with a very clever metaphor. Remember these happenings on public transport and regale an audience with them. I have been performing for nearly fourteen years and unfortunately I have yet to witness an amazing moment on public transport. Fingers crossed it could yet still happen for me.
Talking about things that happened at other gigs is very important, if you can do twenty minutes of material that just recalls heckles you had or heckles that your comedy friends had, then you don't have to write any proper material. You have saved yourself a lot of time and effort.
Open with a Peodophile joke and close with a rape joke. It's exactly what promoters are looking for. If you can throw in a couple of aids references then you have nailed it.
Always Iron your clothes!
Shoes are important, you can tell a lot about a person from the footwear they have.
Be your own harshest critic, never say you have “Smashed it” or “Stormed it” when you quite clearly haven't.
Always pay towards petrol.
If you have an i-phone then use it all the time in the dressing room. Thankfully dressing room banter and conversation is dying out because of the i-phone.
If a fellow comic ever says to you, “You should open with that.” Never take their advice.

Want to know more about Mick Ferry? Want Mick Ferry to contribute towards your petrol? Send him an email and he'll send you a cheque straight away www.mickferry.co.uk Go see him live. You'll thank me.

PART 7

This was one of my early posts but I've moved it up because I still stand by everything I wrote ...

If you're given the choice between a brand new radio mic or an old fashioned mic with a lead - take the old mic with the lead every time.
Just because something gets a laugh doesn’t mean it’s funny.
NEW MATERIAL BUT NO GIGS? Try your new material out in conversation - unless you’re talking to me. I HATE it when people do that. It’s so obvious and so rude and I so hope it dies when you finally say it on stage.
2 GOLDEN RULES: 1) Don’t over run. 2) Don’t annoy the barstaff.
PROMOTERS: The comedian goes on first THEN the band. Never the other way around. A comedian can’t follow two guitars, bass, drums, pyrotechnics and stage-diving ... no matter how sharp his/her observations about cats and dogs are.
If your topical material needs the prefix “do you remember when...” - that means it’s no longer topical material. (Goodbye George W. Bush, goodbye charity wristbands, goodbye Shannon Matthews, goodbye, so long, fare well.)
A lot of comedy comes from negative emotions - try and do some pieces that come from love and joy and happiness and silliness ... but disguise them as hate.
ON TOUR - buy sandwiches before the show! Nothing kills the ‘good gig buzz’ more than a hotel that doesn’t serve food after 11pm.
Congratulations! - You've had a new Baby. My condolences! - To your set. Seriously, shut the fuck up about it. You're baby isn't as funny as you think it is. Did it pee over its head? Did it? Is that what it did? Did it pee over its head? Oh fuck off.
NEW COMICS: Don’t spend too much time worrying about or preparing for hecklers. It very rarely happens nowadays and if it does, the club usually throws them out. Boom! Sorted.
If you get paid for doing what you want to do - you’re a success.
Comics who say they are ‘dangerous’ and ‘on the edge’ and ‘tell it like it is’ are always full of shit. They are never dangerous, they are nowhere near the edge and they don’t tell it like it is - they tell it EXACTLY like every other bland hack Bill Hicks wannabe.
Never throw ideas away. Jot them down and stick them in a box. You’ll use them eventually.
NEW COMICS: Start your own club. And don’t book established comics who told you not to start your own club.
Be economical with your words. Don’t go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. And on. And on.

While you're thinking about that why not head over to iTunes and download my podcast? "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" - if you don't like it, I'll give you your money back.

PART 6

Some things Zoe Lyons learned as a comedian...

Zoe Lyons:

You will die at some point on stage, it will happen sure as eggs is eggs you will die on stage. But you have to remember no one actually died instead you will get to relive the horror of that stage death again and again in a stream of Vietnam like flash backs that will creep into the corners of your mind when you least expect it. You may be buying red peppers in Asda, contemplating that evenings meal ... Spaghetti? Ratatouille ? .... Boom...... Memory of the death the week before...Shudder,drop peppers run screaming from Asda. This is perfectly normal behaviour, do not overly concern yourself.
If you live in Brighton and you do a gig in Plymouth for £100 pounds after petrol and a light snack you will be £11.48 in profit. If however you get flashed by a speed camera that you feel was unfairly positioned at the point where a dual carriage way goes down to one lane and you unsuccessfully contest the fine you will be £48.52 poorer than when you left Brighton .
Try and be yourself. All the great comics are very firmly in their own shoes. You can be a very convincing you or a crappy rip off of someone else.
Be confident but know when to cap it. Other comics may smile at your face as you are loudly telling them how you rescued a gig from the brink of disaster with your super human wit and stormed it so hard you ripped it a new one and then tore the tits off and blew the roof skyward but they are imagining punching you in the neck. Be modest, it is so much better than being the person who other people want to punch in the neck.
Don't agree to do comedy at someone's wedding. I did it once and just about got away with it but I was acutely aware that it is very easy to ruins someone's special day.
Do lots of gigs when you are starting. You will learn more the more difficult they are.
Don't say you can do a 20 minute spot if you actually only have 10 mins of material. You will come unstuck, the booker won't be pleased and you will only make things harder for yourself in the long run. I have however managed to squeeze a nine year career out of a flabby 5.
A joke may take some time to fully develop. If you try something and it doesn't work first time but you feel it is funny it might just need tweaking. Don't bin it too soon.
Comedy for kids has the potential to destroy you as a person.
As a female comic you will be asked on a weekly basis why there are so few females on panels shows and is it harder being a woman in comedy. Get cards printed with your stock answer, it will save loads of time.
Tebay motorway services are the best services in Britain. It has a farm shop and sells home made sausage rolls as big as your head. If all motorway services were this good my life generally would be 5.67% happier overall.

Zoe's one of my favourite comics. She runs a great show down in Brighton, she's continually touring, she takes a new show to the Edinburgh Festival every year - she works HARD. That's what makes her good.

For more about Zoe, check out her website www.zoelyons.co.uk

She be bitchin'.

PART 5

Some things Lewis Schaffer learned as a comedian...

Lewis Schaffer:

Don't do it. Stand-Up is the only job where you can be miserable before, during, and after doing it. The happiest man I ever met was my color-rectal surgeon in Greenwich Village, Dr. Bruce Gingold.

Take a comedy course. I took one at the Comic Strip in New York in 1993. You will learn that you cannot learn to be a comic from a comedy course. Then, when you're a failure, you'll know for sure it wasn't because you didn't take a comedy course. (All comics think they are failures compared to at least one other comic.) PS. I recommend Ivor Dembina's course at The Hampstead.)

Be nice to other comics. Tell them how funny they are; write jokes for them; give them your jokes; laugh at their jokes; appear to stand up for them against the club owners; get a car and give them rides; shut up in the car; help the blonde comic by sending her something about comedy; recommend your friend's comedy course. If they like you they'll recommend you to Eugene at the Chuckle Club.

Some non-friends of Lewis Schaffer, remembered:
Louis CK and his disdain for me. How, after looking at the running order at the Boston Comedy Club where I was MCing, he dropped my clipboard onto the sidewalk of West 3rd Street. Maybe he hated me or hated working the Boston Comedy Club or hated Barry Katz, the club owner and his old manager. I doubt I'll have the chance to ask him.
A shocked and furious Dave Chappelle. How, after I red-lighted him at the Boston Comedy Club, Chappelle called his manager and my boss, Barry Katz, and asked that I be fired. He was right. Chappelle was a star and blazingly funny and you don't red light someone like that, even if there is a line around the block waiting to get into the next show. Sorry.
America's answer to Stewart Lee: Marc Maron. How, having not seeing me for in over 12 years, told his huge podcast audience I was "a very bitter and weird man." (WTF podcast 5 January 2012, #243 minute 52). I think he's right.

Don't name drop. No one cares who you knew in New York or who knew you, even if you are appearing to be self-deprecating. And don't be self-deprecating. Be authentically self-critical. [Insert joke here. Remember to be funny all the time. You're a comic, damn it.]

Don't make club people cry. No matter how many times you tell Estee, the manager at the Comedy Cellar in New York, that you are genuinely sorry, and no, you never wanted her job booking comics at the Comedy Cellar, you will never work there again.

Follow the rules of the club. If Jongleurs asks you not to tell your 911 joke again, don't tell it again. December, 2001 may really be too soon. You need the money and without money you'll get thrown out of your house and you kids will grow up calling another man "Dad".

Be nice to club staff. The most important people in any club are the tech people and bar staff. If they don't want to see you, you won't be coming back, no matter how funny you are and how much money you make the club. Okay, if you make the club masses of money, they will put up with anybody.

Similarly, if the owner of the club wants to be treated like he is a somebody, treat him like a somebody. We all want to be somebodies. And treat his club like it is a something. It is to him.

Don't move. Don't move to another country or city unless you're the King of Comedy in your home town or country. Not even if you have no plan "B" in your home country, and meet a girl and it all seems like a lark. Stay put. (Similarly, don't fire your manager or agent, ever.)

Be nice. BE NICE.

Comedy is hard work. You will be the sole proprietor of a small business. You will have to create, market and produce a product - laughs generated from you. Then you will have to file your taxes for the years 2006/7, 2007/8, 2008/9, 2009/10, and 2010/11. Comedy is not for the lazy. If you were a loser, at say, selling advertising space at the Pennsylvania Wine and Liquor Quarterly or renting apartments for Feathered Nest in New York, you'll probably struggle to make it as a comic, anywhere.

Read your reviews. All opinions are valid and valuable, even the ones from 19 year-olds writing for WeOnlyReviewfor3weeksAyearInEdinburgh.com. I learned something about my act from the one who called my show "an harrowing mid-life crisis" and the one who said it was "mildly racist - One Star". And don't write a song about your bad reviews unless the reviewer isn't the regular comedy reviewer for the Guardian.

Never make lists about what you learned as comic. It will call into question whether you are a "real" comic or not.

Lewis Schaffer performs "Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous" every Tuesday and Wednesday at The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, Soho, W1F 9TY. The longest running solo comedy show in London - over 250 performances.

For more about Lewis, check out his website www.lewisschaffer.co.uk

For less about Lewis, don't.

PART 4

Want more advice? I asked another well respected comedian...

Alistair Barrie:

Always listen to Ian Moore. The advice will be worse but the lists will be funnier.
Don't do it. There’s safety in numbers. Added to which, I can’t do anything else and it’s already crowed.
Please do it because you want to be a comedian and not because you want to be a TV presenter. I know that won’t stop you, but could I just take the opportunity to tell you to fuck off now? It’ll save time later.
The best advice I received when I started was from Donna McPhail. She said, “You don’t do comedy, comedy does you.” Donna is now a cabinet maker in Huddersfield.
Gig. A lot. And then gig some more. Stage time is invaluable, especially early on, as you will find yourself in many ‘challenging’ situations. You will learn a lot more from these godawful shite gigs than you will from a storming twenty at The Comedy Store ten years down the line.
The biggest leap in StandUp is from being a good ten to a good twenty minute act. Don’t rush it. The audience will have more patience when you’re doing ten because a) you’re new, b) someone else will be along in a minute and c) it’s a lot easier to sit through a patchy ten than a patchy twenty, during which time you’re likely to start dying on your arse quite badly. Probably around the ten minute mark.
Watch other comics. Good and bad at first, and then try to stick to the good ones. I find it really hard to watch bad stand up, although everyone loves watching a good one do badly.
Work hard. Everyone who has broken really big in the post-Alternative era, from Izzard to Carr, McIntyre to Millican, have all had a really strong work ethic to grind out the material and constantly improve. It does work. If you’ve got the actual talent, how can it not?
Have the actual talent. This is often missed, and to be fair, is not always a massive hindrance, especially if what you really want is to be a TV presenter.
Don’t be a dick. Do your time, don’t do anyone else’s jokes, offer to pay for petrol and don’t turn up pissed. Be a decent human being where possible, and apologise when you’re not. There are a couple of very famous exceptions to this rule, but a lot more unfamous ones. As far as I’m concerned, if you can’t manage Point 10, see Point 3.
Finally, read ‘Adventures in the Screen Trade’ by William Goldman. There is a very well known piece of advice in it about writing. If you don’t think you’ve heard it already, you have, you just weren’t paying attention. It also applies to life itself, which, as we all know, is merely a poor attempt at StandUp comedy.

Alistair Barrie is a good example of working hard. Check out his website here , he reviews restaurants in his blog 'Food Ponce' , he's a key member of the fantastic No Pressure To Be Funny podcast (although, it's not that great because I've never been on it) and he represented Britain in last years European Disco Dancing championship. (He came 3rd)

PART 3

I asked a couple of well respected comedians I know if they had any words of advice...

Ian Moore:

If you think compering is just about picking on the front row, you're wrong. The second row are the smug ones.
'Nostalgia' material is not what it was.
If a member of the audience wants to punch you onstage, make damn sure there's a camera around for YouTube purposes. If not, run.
If you carry a bag onstage, you're already starting from further back.
Everybody has to do Highlights and Jongleurs at some point, just don't eat the food.
Don't use your stand up routine as a chat up line. I could name those that do, but you'll have already slept with them.
Don't wear a suit if you don't know how to wear a suit.
Do not start your set with, "I know what you're thinking, I look like the love-child of..." They aren't and you don't; write a joke instead.

For more info about Ian Moore check out: www.ianmoore.info/ And make sure you read his fantastic blog. Its all about... ah... yeah... its about... ah... Okay I haven’t actually read it myself but I’m pretty sure there’s stuff about Black Sabbath and Deep Purple and Heavy Metal. Probably.

Des Mclean:

Obviously don’t do anybody else's material & even if it's coincidence just bin it. Not worth the hassle.
Don't presume everybody knows a headline story in the paper that you have a topical routine about, sometimes half the people in the room haven’t bought that paper or are too busy on twitter all day.
Be nice in the dressing room, keep bitching down to a minimum, there are great comics out there who do good stuff on stage, but are a pain in the arse in the green room & that's what puts people off booking them.
If you are gonna lie about gigging somewhere, don't say it's in The Stand, Store, Jongleurs, you will get found out. The comedy world is tiny, everyone knows where your playing.
If you die on your hole just admit it and get on with it, don't start blaming the crowd, venue, compere, etc. We all have a bad day at the office and will again so just get over it.
Don't go on about a bad review, all you do is attract more attention to it. And people couldn't give a fuck if you got a great review either, especially comics.

Des McLean is a Scottish comedian - but don’t hold that against him. Visit his website for more info: www.desmclean.com/ Des doesn't have a blog because he’s not as intelligent as Ian Moore.

PART 2

STAGE TIME IS EVERYTHING "Where did Picasso come from? There's no Michelangelo coming from Pittsburgh" (Do some research)
Most comedians started the same way. They phoned a comedy club, they were given a 5 min slot, they went along, and did it. Some had to wait 2 weeks for their slot, some had to wait 2 months, some had to wait 4 months. But it all came down to phoning a club, turning up on the night, and doing it.
Repeat this again and again and again... and you will get better.
If you take a StandUp Comedy Course ALWAYS ask to see a video of the person teaching the course actually performing StandUp comedy. If you find them funny, that’s a good sign. If you don’t find them funny, maybe they’re not the teacher for you.
(I’ve recently heard about StandUp comedy classes being TAUGHT by people who are NOT and NEVER HAVE BEEN StandUp comedians.)
Try and work in good clubs with good comedians. It’s like playing a sport - you raise your game playing with a better player.
Write your material with a sarcastic tone of voice, then read it back in a normal tone.
(Or ... write it with a sarcastic tone of voice, put on some cheap garish rings, flounce around the room and read it back in a sarcastic tone while pretending you’re me.)
Lights on the comic - audience in the dark. Never the other way round. If the lights are on the audience they become self conscious and stop laughing.
Saturday night audiences want their comic dressed up. Monday night audiences want their comic dressed down.
Sunday night audiences want it *naked*!
Beware the young comic who brings ‘ironic detachment’ for that person is a pain in the arse in the dressing room and has the soul of Sargent Bilko.
Taxi drivers know all the bad jokes. (With the exception of Big Mark in Edinburgh)
Use visual words as opposed to passive words.
Modulate your voice to underscore a line.
Never pay to go onstage. Especially in front of a paying audience. It devalues the art-form that is StandUp Comedy in the UK.
Sometimes you just have to do the gig, go home and pretend it never happened.
MC’s: Sometimes the comedian doesn’t need the audience whooping and shouting and singing - sometimes the comedian wants a more low-key subtle start. Did you ever think of that? Of course not, you’re an MC.
Oh come on! It was a fucking joke. Didn’t you realise it was a joke? Of course not, you’re an MC.
Ha-ha-ha.
OPEN-SPOTS: It’s bad manners to bring 10 friends to the show, go on in the first half, then leave during the interval taking your 10 friends with you. That’s not cool. That’s not funky. That’s not going to get you more bookings.
OPEN-SPOTS: Read that one above again. Support your *community*.
Go see some Magicians and study the art of deception.

PART 1

Just because you make an audience laugh, it doesn't mean they'll buy you a drink after the show. No matter how long you hang around the bar looking 'approachable'.
New Comics - you've got to move to a city or big town where you can get up onstage every night of the week.
You learn more from a bad gig than you do from a good gig.
When the promoter/MC tells you "not to use bad language because this audience doesn't like it" - they haven't got a fucking clue what they're talking about.
New Comics - look at the audience. Let them see your face. Make eye contact with the audience.
There should never be a BIG GAP between the performer and the audience. If there is, the stage/room is set up wrong!
A 'comedy hat' sounds funny but, believe me, they NEVER really work onstage.
Don't tell anyone you're a Stand-up Comedian until that is your sole source of income. Seriously, if you spend 40 hours each week working as an accountant and only 20 minutes each week onstage, you're an accountant!
Slow down. And then slow down some more. Let the audience hear and appreciate what you're saying. Don't be so keen to rush to the next line.
Write a new joke on Twitter every day - and watch a new comic tell them onstage the following week.
Lunchtime comedy gigs are like outdoor comedy gigs = dreadful. Stay away from them. Both as a performer and as an audience member.
Always, always, A-L-W-A-Y-S refer to musical comics as prop comics. Especially if they are within hearing distance.
No matter how well you do, the audience always want to tell you about another comedian they really, really like. Usually from a TV show you really, really hate.
Start with a good joke, have several great jokes in the middle and end with a strong song. Sorry, did I say "song"? I meant "interpretive dance".
New Male Comics - just because every other act on the bill uses the term "a bit rape-y" or "rape-y eyes" doesn't mean you have to. Obviously you're going to but I'm sure you could do something more unique if you tried. Oh, wait a moment... no, you couldn't.
Try a new joke three times, if it still doesn't work - throw away the audience.
New Comics - stay and watch the headline act. Buy her a drink. she'll be hanging around the bar, looking 'approachable'.
Avoid using words in the set-up that are in the punchline.

Things I’ve learned as a comedian.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED AS A COMEDIAN