Monday, February 01, 2010

Every Penny Counts

Do you ever do this?

You go through all your old coats and jackets checking the pockets for money?

It’s like a cheap version of Deal Or No Deal.

“Is there money in this one?”

No.

“Is there money in that one?”

No.

You go through all your pockets and you don’t find a penny ... BUT THEN – you see your partner’s jacket and trousers lying on a chair ... and you think, “Aha! Result! I’m taking them down Cash Converters!!”

Charity Walk

I had this thought and I’m not sure if it says bad things about me or bad things about a friend of mine...

I got an email from my friend George saying, "I’m doing a 14 mile walk for charity and I’d like you to sponsor me. £2 per mile would be great. More than that would be wonderful”.

So I got out the calculator and did the sums – 14 miles at £2 per mile – that’s £28.
(Getting out the calculator was a joke by-the-way)

But the week before I got the email it was my birthday and George gave me a book...
I looked at the price tag (because I do that, I can’t help it but when somebody gives me a present I look to see how much they value my friendship ... I’ve just realised I’ve got this far in the story and its quite obvious who’s the bad person - me) – anyway I looked at the tag and it only cost £7.99

Thing is George works in a bookshop so I’m pretty sure he’ll have bought it in his own shop and got what? 10% staff discount? 15% staff discount?

So I’m thinking George got me a £7.99 book, less discount, from the bookshop he works in – so basically he’s saying, “This is how much I value you as a friend and this is how far I’m prepared to travel to get it ...”
Whereas – for these people he’s never met in another country, he’s happy to walk 14 miles!! What the fuck is that about??

(Seriously I’m going to Hell, don’t you think?)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Secrets Of Comedy

The Times does a feature called "The Secrets of Comedy" - a comedian picks one word defining the secret of comedy, then a further 150+ arguing for that choice. This is what I wrote, think it'll be published this month or early February.

COMEDY IS EVERYTHING by Jo Caulfield

Comedy is misdirection: I went into PC World to buy some more memory. For my Grandad.
Comedy is truth: Hazel Blears does look like Ron Weasley’s mum.
Comedy is topical: Hazel who??
Comedy is surrealism: Boris Johnson is the Mayor of London.
Comedy holds up a mirror and shows the world as it really is: A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi and a Muslim Imam were trapped on a desert island … thereby making the world a safer place for the rest of us.
Comedy is anger: the walls in my flat are so thin you can hear the neighbours listening to me and my husband screaming at each other.
Comedy is never having to say you’re sorry. Didn’t mean to write that. Sorry.
Comedy can only be performed by men. According to female journalists.
Comedy is not Amanda Holden. Never was. Never will be.
Comedy is everything. Whatever you want. And a surprise ending. Rosebud.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Marks Out Of 10 Please...

Seeing all the media Michael Jackson’s death has got, hopefully it might give Lily Allen’s PR team some ideas.

There can be few sounds more pleasing than a small child going, “Wheeee!” Unless you’re in a multi story car park and you only looked away for two seconds.

I thought I had a big red spot coming up on my nose – but luckily it turned out to be a snipers laser site. Whew. I thought I was in trouble there.

Every time I hear some little white kid with his trousers hanging halfway round his arse saying, “Back in the day” it reminds me of my Granddad with his trousers hanging halfway round his arse saying, “This used to all be fields…”

It’s a shame but Christmas seems to have lost all its magic for kids. Or maybe the kids are becoming too cynical.
Last month I said to my 5yr old niece, “You’ll soon be seeing the man who only works one day a year, he never shaves and he’s got a great big red nose. Do you know who I’m talking about?”
And she said, “Is it the man who sells the Big Issue?”

I had to get a birthday present for my neighbour.
She wants to take up website design so I tried to her a book but it’s difficult because they had Website Design For Idiots and they had Website Design For Dummies… but they didn’t have Website Design For Whores.
(This joke is funnier if you know my neighbour, trust me)

My husband said, “I’ve just bought this new watch. It’s shockproof, it’s waterproof, and it’s got a built in compass. What do you think?”
All I could think was – “What the fuck are you planning on doing this weekend?”

There’s a TV advert on at the moment for Marmite. The tag line is “You either love it or hate it”. But isn’t that a bit like … everything in the world?

Lines That Didn't Make The Radio Show

Just found some lines that didn't make it into the radio series - read them and guess why...

You know we’re in a recession when:

Sharon Osborne’s run out of hair dye

You spot Prince Charles on deal or no deal

Walkers bring out potato flavoured crisps

Easyjet start charging for lifejackets

Angelina Jolie stops adopting kids

4 poofs and a piano become 1 poof and a banjo

You know you’ve got no money when:

You visit your parents and still take your washing, and you’re 55

You get a ball of string and cotton wool buds to make your own tampons

You start going to church, just to get some wine and wafers

You go to the doctors just to nick the samples from the magazines

You have loyalty cards for Asda, Primark and Poundstretcher

Music
Why do heavy metal fans dress like they do?
And why do rap fans dress like rappers?
Why do people dress like the music you like?
It's a problem for me because my mum likes Christina Augulera … And my dad likes Beyonce.

And whats this thing with kids hiking down their jeans and showing you their pants?
When I was a kid you’d only see my pants if you gave me a kitkat.
Don’t judge me, I know some girls who did it for a finger of fudge.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Denn Of Geek Interview (December 2009)

DEN OF GEEK INTERVIEW: JO CAULFIELD
By Barry Donovan


As she launches a new stand-up tour, Jo Caulfield chats to us about comedy, radio, and making six grumpy men laugh...
Published on Dec 14, 2009

Stand-up comedienne Jo Caulfield is heading back on tour in early 2010, with a new show entitled Jo Caulfield Won't Shut Up. With extensive credits in both television and radio, she spared us some time to chat about what she's been up to...

You've been a regular at Edinburgh for the past eight years.

Yes, I've actually done eight solo shows. I had one year off, maybe three or four years ago. You kind of spend your time avoiding finding out about Edinburgh then go "might as well go to Edinburgh".

What was the thinking behind the year off?

I think it was thinking "oh, it's just hard to come up with an hour," but now I've got into a pattern of being faster at getting material together. I don't do a lot of new material nights. I don't find them very helpful because you've said to the audience it's material, so I tend to do smaller gigs where I can go in and do 10 minutes. I think it's less of a comic's audience as well; it's like real people. And I'll even go in with a clipboard and pads and paper and say "it's just some thoughts." It's quite fun and even if I can go "oh, that material didn't work" then you still sort of have fun with it.

Do you record your new material nights?

I do, which is both horrible and really useful. I'm the only person who thought that minidiscs would take off. I use a minidisc and people go "good lord, what is that?" The other night I didn't have it with me and I found out you can use a mobile phone as well but it's not as good. But minidisc is great. I can put it in my pocket and forget about it.

I did some new material last night at Comedy Camp and then I did a gig afterwards where I did some of that and it does develop. I said one bit and thought "oh, that's not as funny as I thought it would be. I need to say something else".

You don't know which bit is going to grab people; it surprises you. And then off the top of your head without sitting down at a computer and editing you can just say the things and that's often what actually you end up using.

How did you find this year's Edinburgh?

I loved it because last year was the first year that I did The Stand. There's the function room of the police club opposite to The Stand and it's just a great room because it's a proper square function room so you can get about 180 in there and they're just right in front of you so there's no "oh, it's a nice room". It's a really good temperature, which is also very important in Edinburgh, and I feel very relaxed there. The audience are already on your side because they've bothered to find out where you are and to go to The Stand rather than just go "oh, here's some shows that are nearby, let's just go to these people". In a club it's different; people have to come on side, but when you're doing an hour you want them to already be on side with you.

Do you also find it's different what time you play a show as well?

Yea, I tend to go early because I kinda feel the later you are, either the more sleepy, more drunk, so I like to be alert with one drink so I always tend to be half-seven, eight eight-thirty.

How tightly written was the show before you went up? Does it evolve during the course of the month?

It always does because nowhere is like Edinburgh except Edinburgh. I always have chunks. So I'll have everything often in ten minute chunks or five minute chunks so I'll have done the bits either in clubs or in longer shows. So I'll know that the bits work and then when it's Edinburgh I'll put all the bits together and go "ooh, that 10 minute bit either works better later or earlier", so it's more a question of moving bits around then and then some bits are dropped.

I did the first preview at an hour and a half, but I don't know which parts I'm going to keep in. Sometimes something's good but you don't think it quite fits so you'll save it for another time. And then the next night I'll do the hour.

You always have a climax to the show in your mind, which is usually a personal story that becomes the end chunk. The other year it was the story of how I bought my own autograph on eBay. It was because I got very carried away with the bidding and I only meant to do it so that other people would bid, but other people didn't bid so I kept bidding to get other people interested. So I kept bidding and paid £17.50 for it. So that became quite a good story then to have an audience element of what autographs they have.

So, I'd ask them about it first and you'd get some good stories that I would collect in my head and I'd tell them those and kind of develop what you think are the best audience ones. The more you do it, the more good stories you have.

Do you tend to theme your shows?

I tend to do a very broad theme. Like this year with the show called Jo Caulfield Won't Shut Up. It's me talking; it's my opinions about something, it's never kind of an A-Z. It's never kind of "this year in my childhood" or "when I got married". It's just me talking and this has what has interested me this year.

So this year there was obviously quite a lot to do with the financial crisis heading to talking generally about jobs that I've had, so it was much more topical than I often am, just because it was the nature of the subject. It affected everybody. I thought about it and I haven't been on any sort of march since I was 17, but when it came to the banking I thought I'll march.

I've read a couple of times that you think your best comedy comes out of things that frustrate or anger you.

Yes, definitely. And also that thing where if something has irritated you, it's irritated other people as well and that can be very exciting when you mention a topic and you can see an audience reaction. You know you're onto something good.

Do you have a preference for either doing stand-up or radio?

Well, the radio is a constant battle and the series that's going out now is kind of as close as we've got yet to what I want it to be, but it's still not there 'cos I always feel it's me performing within the constraints of radio. You very rarely do comedy at half past six in front of people's children.

It's sanitised and it's not always just with the language. Sometimes it's to do with the amount of venom the darkness of a subject that will just be inappropriate at half past six. A lot of it is not just words you say, but images you'll put in people's heads. And so you have to censor yourself for that. It's a very interesting exercise to try and get as close as you can to who you are when you do stand-up but I always think people who've heard me on Radio 4, I'm different when I do stand-up.

I try to develop as much stuff that is tried and tested and I just ‘know'. I don't like to read off a script unless I'm doing a sketch. So we did that a lot more this time - loads of stand-up and then just edit in the sketches. It's funnier for the audience and they get to know you better and more quickly.

You work with a number of other writers for the radio show. How does the collaboration process for that work?

I always wonder how other people do it because what I do is "I want jokes about this" and I'm very specific about what ‘this' is because it's more like I've got a template and then I'll need the jokes filled in. So I tend to do it that way and then put it all together.

It seems a lot of sketch writers are ‘University Boys' and they don't speak with the same voice as me so it's quite difficult at first. There's only a couple of sketches in each show anyway, and if can get it to none, I'd be delighted!

The sketches that we do now I do really, really like rather than it just be for the listener needing something else. We have to put in a sketch even though we're not that crazy about it. It can't be a boring listen; you have to think about how it sounds to someone in their car, or in their kitchen. We do lots of things where you've got a single setup and then just a list of punchlines that you can divide within the cast, which is why I often use standups rather than actors because they know how to deliver a punchline.

You mention Dave Allen as making a big impression on you as a child. Who do you find that you admire on the circuit these days?

It's difficult, I've always liked Jack Dee because I like where his comedy comes from. His comedy comes from frustration and anger so I like that, but I haven't seen him for a while doing standup. Ed Byrne is fantastic. Why he's not the biggest star in Britain, I don't know. He has huge charm and his stuff comes from frustration and anger as well - it's not an anger that pushes you away - it's like a beautiful celebration of being angry and I think that's a lovely thing to create in standup.

I tend to like people like Jimmy Carr, who are very good at jokes, but I love people who, by the end of the hour you feel you know them better than you did at the beginning. That you feel it's coming from somewhere.

Do you get annoyed with people surprised to discover that you can be both a female and a comedian?

I used to, now I find it kind of fun. I did an arts club recently and there was a group of six guys aged 45-50. The compere warned me that they'd been miserable all night, they don't like anything. And they did look miserable! In a way I felt a bit sorry for them.

One of them's had the idea to come to comedy, and they're not enjoying it, so when I walked up I could see the look of "Oh, no" on their faces "Now a woman! Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse..." But at the same time I though, "I know I can get you, and this is my challenge." And I did. And by the end of it, they're laughing away with a look of surprise and nudging each other. And at that moment I feel quite cocky.

But, generally, it's more a positive now. Women go up to you and say, "I don't like female comics, but I liked you," and then I have to go, "Well, thank you for that barbed compliment."

I don't mind it so much because it doesn't go away. No matter where you go you'll meet people who will think that women can't be funny and then you know that you'll change their mind.

Thank you very much, Jo!


Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Loaded Laftas 2010

LOADED LAFTAS 2010 –

NOMINATIONS ANNOUNCED


*X-FACTOR JUDGES GO HEAD TO HEAD WITH X-FACTOR CONTESTANTS AS LOUIS & SIMON BATTLE IT OUT WITH ‘JEDWARD’ *

* NEW CATEGORIES THIS YEAR INCLUDE FUNNIEST SIDEKICK AND FUNNIEST TWITTERER*



The Loaded LAFTAS awards are set to be the comedy highlight of 2010. With the nominations out today the LAFTAS have seen an unprecedented number of votes at Loaded.co.uk and thanks to the voting public the shortlist is the most exciting and strongest to date.

2010 could get off to a great start for Michael McIntyre who leads the nominations in four categories for Funniest Man, TV Show, DVD and Stand Up. Harry Hill will fight it out with McIntyre for two gongs in the Funniest Man and TV show categories.

Shooting Stars receives a very welcome return with a nomination in the Funniest Panel Show category and Vic and Bob also get a nomination for Funniest Double Act. At long last X-Factor judges will go head to head with X-Factor contestants, as ‘Jedward’ and Simon Cowell & Louis Walsh join Vic and Bob with a nomination for the Funniest Double Act. It’s a good year for BBC Radio One which receives three nominations under the new Funniest Sidekick category.

Once again the glittering lunchtime awards ceremony will take place at London’s exclusive venue, The Cuckoo Club on Wednesday 27th January from 12pm. 2010 will celebrate the LAFTAS seventh event and this year the awards are in association with Durex Ora!, the new social networking site for all the Durex enthusiasts out there!

Loaded Editor Martin Daubney explains: "I am more excited about this year’s awards than ever before. The list of nominations shows how incredibly diverse British comedy has become, across live stand up, television, radio and film - and it’s always good to see that the American sense of humour works so well this side of the pond. As usual, I am hoping that the event in January will be as raucous as ever and I’m looking forward to introducing our lovely host Olivia Lee, on the day.”

Comedy fans can log onto loaded.co.uk and cast a vote for their favourite from Wednesday 2nd December 9am. Voting will close on January 20th.

Loaded LAFTAS 2010 Nominations: (in alphabetical order)
Funniest Man

Dara O Briain
Justin Lee Collins
Harry Hill
Russell Howard
Michael McIntyre

Funniest Woman
Jo Brand
Katy Brand
Jo Caulfield
Sarah Silverman
Isy Suttie

Funniest Show On TV
Benidorm
Harry Hill’s TV Burp
Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow
Peep Show
The Inbetweeners

Funniest Comedy Panel Show
8 out of 10 Cats
Have I got News For You
Mock The Week
Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Shooting Stars

Funniest Film
Bruno
In the Loop
The Hangover
Role Models
Zombieland

Best Stand Up
Bill Bailey
Rob Brydon
Jimmy Carr
Jason Manford
Michael McIntyre

Funniest Double Act
Adam & Joe
Jedward
Miller & Armstrong
Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh
Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer

Funniest Podcast
Adam & Joe
Chris Moyles
Frankie Boyle
Rhod Gilbert
Richard Herring

Funniest TV Personality
Alan Carr
Richard Hammond
Graham Norton
Paul O’Grady
Jonathan Ross

Funniest DVD
Jimmy Carr - Telling Jokes
Rhod Gilbert and the award Winning Mince Pie
Russell Howard – Dingledodies
Eddie Izzard Live Stripped
Michael McIntyre Live 2009

Funniest Newspaper Columnist
Charlie Brooker, The Guardian
Jeremy Clarkson, The Sun
AA Gill, The Times
Joe Mott, Daily Star Sunday
Gordon Smart, The Sun