True Story...

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam were trapped on a desert island…

…thereby making the world a much safer for the rest of us.

Write Your Own Jokes

The Guardian newspaper are running some articles about comedy and comedy writing next month. They asked me to write something for them, so here's my "Write A Joke In 10 Steps" guide...

WRITE A JOKE IN 10 STEPS

1. Choose your subject (EG vacuous celebrity culture)

2. Define your attitude. How does the subject make you feel? Happy? Sad? Angry? A passionate point of view makes a joke stronger.

3. Write as much as you can about your chosen subject. Use similes, oxymorons, clichés, proverbs, double entendres, whatever you want.

Make lists.

Make lists of people, places and things associated with the subject. (EG Jordan, Kerry Katona, Big Brother, Paris Hilton, Heat magazine, BBC3, Lily Allen, Pete Doherty, her with the rats maze hairdo and tattoos, Heather Mills buying a shoe.)

4. Cast your eye over what you've written and the funniest bits will stick out. That's the bits we want.

5. Edit, edit, edit. Cut away as much as possible. Your mildly amusing two-page story can become a fantastic one-line joke.

6. Misdirection. Inflate the balloon. Lead the audience as far away from the joke as you can.

"Me and my friend Allison have been invited to a fancy dress party…"(*)

…We're going as Paris Hilton and Jodi Marsh."

7. Time for a PAUSE. What you don't say is just as important. The audience thinks quicker than you can speak so let them do their work. Let them conjure up their own pictures of a fancy dress party.

8. Quickly spin them in the opposite direction and burst the balloon.

"I'm getting a lobotomy and Allison is having her vagina widened."

Almost there.

9. Listen to the audience. Audiences will help you write the joke.

Originally Allison and I were going to be "John Leslie and Ulrika Jonsonn", then we were going to be "Lembit Opik and Abi Titmuss", it was the British public who, after much trial and error, chose "Paris Hilton and Jodi Marsh".

(*) I'm aware that it should be "My friend Allison and I…" but (10) jokes don't obey no rules of English grammar, baby.

PS Always put the punchline at the end, don't laugh at your own jokes, don't get them wet, keep them out of strong sunlight and never feed them after midnight.

Any thoughts??

Go See This Show...

My Edinburgh Festival tickets are now on sale.

Go to The Stand or phone they direct: 0131 558 7272

This is what they have to say about my show:

"The minute Jo Caulfield hits the stage you know you're in for a good time. She's sharp-witted, delightfully bitchy and according to The Scotsman 'incapable of doing a bad show'. Oh and as an extra bonus Jo promises to write 5 minutes of new material each day about Scotland and/or Scottish history for her forthcoming Radio 4 series.

One of the most successful female comics in the country and star of her own Radio 4 series, Jo Caulfield is a classical comedian, simply holding forth on whatever subjects vex her.

And this year Jo has a lot of subjects to go through!

Badly behaved children, 'loved-up' couples, greedy property developers, drunken babysitters, geeky autograph collectors, mirrored bathrooms, institutionalised sexism and senior citizens who expose their genitals in Stirling will all feel the brunt of Jo's acerbic tongue.

There'll also be a warning about internet friendships, the Great Wall of China will get a good kicking and Jo will give advice on what you should do if you ever have a job interview with Sir Alan Sugar.

That sounds like a serious amount of comedy and gives a big clue as to why Jo's Edinburgh Festival shows have become such legendary sell-outs.

For the last 7 years Jo's mixture of cutthroat wit and wildly accurate observations has brought Festival audiences to their knees with laughter. And no matter who's in the room, they soon find themselves caught up in Jo Caulfield's world - whether talking about her Irish Catholic mother or bitching about various celebrities.

Jo's 2007 Edinburgh Fringe show Jo Caulfield Goes To Hell at The Assembly Ballroom garnered rave reviews and sell-out crowds.

Please note: The show is not suitable for children. They've got to be 16+ and accompanied by an over 18."

Edinburgh Festival v's Edinburgh Comedy Festival

Read the articles and tell me what you think...

This is from the Sunday Herald.

And this is from The Times.

I'm really looking forward to this years Festival. I've been working through new material most nights and I'm confident this is going to be my best show yet.

It's coming together quite strongly.

I'm calling it 'Jo Caulfield : Two-Faced Bitch?' The basic premise is every review I've had this year mentions the world "Bitchy"... The Guardian calls me “wonderfully sharp and bitchy”, The Observer thinks I'm “feisty, funny and wickedly bitchy”, even the Radio Times said “Jo Caulfield has a great mix of observational humour and hilarious rants on life’s irritations... She is scathing, bitchy and intelligent with masses of attitude.”

The thing is – I don’t agree with those reviews.

I don't think I'm in the slightest bit “bitchy”.

I think I'm just saying what other people secretly think.

In 'Jo Caulfield : Two-Faced Bitch?' I’ll be telling the audience some of the things that happened to me this year – (getting thrown out of a major department store, dealing with a greedy property developer, punching my nextdoor neighbour, meeting my best friends new partner) - and how I handled the situations (badly!). At the end of the show I’ll take a vote and let the audience decide whether I acted "bitchy" or not.

If they think I did - I'll pay a forfeit.

Mind you, the show is still developing so don't hold me to it. I'll tell you more about it nearer the time.

I think my tickets go on sale next week - from 9th June (?)

You can book them through the Fringe Office or you can contact the The Stand direct - why not do that? Why not phone The Stand (0131 558 7272), order your tickets and have a chat with Eva or Nicky or Christine? They're all friendly people.

Anybody else doing a show this year? Let me know who I can go drinking with.

Jo x

I think your FAB but...

The Most Annoying Pop Moments (BBC3)

Most Annoying TV… We Love To Hate (BBC3)

You might have seen me on one of these shows recently?

The first one, “The Most Annoying Pop Moments” is billed as “…a light-hearted countdown of those memorable moments in pop that have annoyed and enthralled us in equal measure”.

While the second one, “The Most Annoying TV… We Love To Hate” is billed as “…a light-hearted countdown of those memorable moments in television that have annoyed and enthralled us in equal measure”.

So I got this email this week…

“Dear Jo, think your fab but why do you appear on all them rent-a-gob 100 Best/Worst/Most Annoying People type shows. You should have you’re own show”

Okay – a couple of things.

Number 1 – That’s not how you spell ‘YOUR’.

Number 2 – I actually enjoy doing those ‘most annoying’ list shows because I like the exercise of writing jokes on subjects I wouldn’t usually tackle in my live shows, and I like giving my opinion.

YOU try giving YOUR opinions, unprompted, about Elton John to the ladies in Waitrose Supermarket and they’ll look at you like your mad!
Well that’s what they did to me.
The first time.
Now they just ignore me.

Of course some people say there’s too many of these type of shows around and they should all be scrapped to free up more TV space for Russell Brand or Nigella Lawson… Mmmmm. Yes.

Anyway I was watching myself on The Most Annoying Pop Moments the other night (because I have nothing better to do with my life) when I realised they’d cut out my profound insights on Elton John.

Which are...

1) If Lady Diana had lived, Elton John’s career would have died.

2) Show me someone who can name Elton John’s last 5 singles (or his last 2 albums) and I’ll show you someone who knows an awful lot of information about bland, meaningless, insipid music.

Not really profound insights, more a long post just to tell you how much I loathe Elton John.

Mission accomplished.

And now my Top 10 favourite numbers between 1 and 10:

At number ten – 10
At number nine – 9
At number eight – 8
At number seven – 6
At number six – 5
At number five – 3
At number four – 4
At number three – 7
At number two – 1
And at number one – 2.

What would JC do?

My friend Simon sent me a Christian wristband.
He did it for a joke I hasten to add. He’s not religious.
Or mental.
Anyway it’s a bright yellow plastic wristband with ‘What would JC do?” embossed on it.
Do you get it?
JC = Jesus Christ.
But it could also mean Jo Caulfield.

Look, I never said it was a funny joke! I mean, Simon’s not a professional comedian or anything. He works in telesales.

Anyway it got me thinking about a couple of Biblical stories and how I would have handled them. What would THIS JC do?

Lets take the feeding of the 5 thousand with the loaves and the fishes.
Basically, a lot of people come round unexpectedly and Jesus gave them bread and fish.
That’s just sardines on toast isn’t it?
That’s a bit shabby.
A bit council estate.

So what would THIS JC do?

Well, first off I’ve got to say I don’t think much of HIS planning. I always keep an extra pizza in my freezer for occasions such as this.

Or I might give my unexpected visitors the bread and fish but I’d do them with herbs – some lemon and dill. Or maybe rub Cajun seasoning on both sides of the fish and grill until cooked through, about 3 to 4 minutes per side. Mash up an avocado and some mayonnaise in a small bowl, and then assemble as sandwiches. Spread the avocado mixture on the bottom half of each roll. Top with the fish, arugula, tomato and onion.

And put out some olives. People love olives.

Now the other miracle people love speaking about is the whole ‘turning water in to wine’ routine. HE’S at a party, they run out of alcohol - what does JC do? HE turns the water into wine.

Not bad but what would THIS JC do?

Well, I wouldn’t piss about with wine. I turn the water into a huge crate of Bacardi Breezers – that’s a party! That’s what the people want! Rum-based alcopops! Apple, orange, pineapple, watermelon, cranberry … and all 5% proof. That’s a party.

He’s over at his side of the room with the wine and fish and bread…

I’m over at my side with the mango flavoured Bacardi Breezers, the seasoned fish on ciabatta bread, a bowl of olives – be honest, who do you think is going to pick up the most disciples?

Crimewatch UK

A friend told me a story about trying to throw away his old fridge.

He said every night he’d put the old fridge out with his rubbish but the dustbin man wouldn’t take it. He would empty the bin and take away the plastic bags but he wouldn’t touch the old fridge.

So my friend bought a small chain and a cheap padlock, chained the old fridge to his fence and two hours later it was gone.

He said, “If you want to get rid of something, treat it like its valuable, chain it up and it’s guaranteed to be stolen”.

Well, I’m afraid to say that’s not true.
It doesn’t work.
Because I chained my Grandad to our fence two weeks ago and he’s still there - - almost.