There’s an annoying young lady at work, who repeatedly says my full name, and it’s certainly not because she fancies me. She’s annoying the hell out of me with this psychological abuse and she knows it. However she’s the managers sister at my place of work and I’m the quiet polite type who was brought up to be quite mild mannered and I’ve quite frankly had enough. I really want to choke the life out of the annoying bitch, so I thought I’d share this with you.

Ok I must admit, that although I pass by a flock of goats most days, I’ve not really taken much note of their bums. Thinking about it (more so than is reasonable) if I were to be trapped on an island with just Cherie and some goats. I’d get a lot of exercise chasing nanny about the place.

I’d also like to mention Maidstones very own temporary traffic light festival. This can be found on many roads in and around the town. It’s an annual event that runs from the 2nd of Jan to the 24th of Dec.

Dear Chedge…
It was John Lydon who said “Anger is an energy”, not John Lyden.
John Lydon sang with the Sex Pistols and PIL.
John Lyden is a graduate of Rowan University’s vocal performance program. A former student of Ms. Marian Stieber and Dr. Eugene Simpson, John’s professional experience includes years of professional solo work in the Philadelphia metropolitan area, several ensemble performances at Carnegie Hall under the direction of both John Rutter and Jonathan Wilcox and various roles in operas, straight plays and musicals. Amongst them are Papageno in Mozart’s The Magic Flute, Baron Zeta in The Merry Widow, and Victor Velasco in Neil Simon’s Barefoot in the Park.
It’s a great shame that you’re wasting technology and emotional energy but getting your trivia wrong.
Have a nice day and please call again.
Jo

Women who buy things on eBay then never wear them.

(JO says: “Mister Nice!! What’s happening in the land down under?”)

I went on ebay yesterday, and ended up buying neon yellow skinny jeans!
I mean, I am NEVER going to wear them! WHY DID I BUY THEM?

Meh… it seemed like a good idea at the time.

For the last couple of months I’ve been scouring the lonely hearts columns, looking for a sweet, sweet girl to, you know, stalk.
Hey they’re lonely – they’re probably glad of the attention!
But I’ve been noticing, you can tell a lot about the person, not just by their advert, but also by the paper they choose to put it in.
If you look in the Guardian on a Saturday, their ads are always quite gentle, but with a hint of wooliness and quiet desperation:
“Two Vegan social workers, looking for two New Labour lads, for a helping hand at the donkey sanctuary.”
Whereas Loot, in contrast, takes the more sophisticated approach:
“Pervert needs filthy slut for spanking!!”
You miss out in England, you really do, ‘cos in Scotland we have a similar paper called SuperMart. It’s like Loot, used cars, accommodation, that sort of thing; But the people that advertise in the Lonely Heart’s column of Supermart have such low expectations of life:
“Glasgow man, seeks woman. Or nearest offer.”
“Will accept part exchange for a Vauxhall Nova”
At least it’s honest, some of these adverts get material. Women are the worst, they seem to be looking for love, but really, something else is going on….
“Hello, I’m looking for a lovely, sweet, caring professional…. with his own house… car… yacht and Swiss bank account… No DSS.”

I have a slap list, people I would slap should I ever meet them, vying for first place is Robbie Williams and Philip Schofield, others include Myleene Klaas (ugh - why do people think she is good looking), Victoria Beckham(double ugh) and many others.

And where did Gary Rhode’s sudden posh accent come from??

(JO says: “I’ve got a slap list. Its official title is the London Telephone Directory but it serves the same purpose.”)

I know it might not seem much, but I can get really annoyed trying to get a Weetabix out of the plastic packaging without having to get the vacuum cleaner out afterwards.

Years ago, it was wrapped in that lovely waxy paper, and was almost a joy to open.

Oh I know it’s an old chestnut but it’s the apostrophe thing. And the plural thing. And their and they’re. And your and you’re. It’s being mentioned all the time but nobody takes a blind bit of notice. It’s not hard to understand! What’s even worse are the cretins who think it’s forgivable. “But you know what they mean.” No I bloody don’t! Why should I have to re-read a sentence half a dozen times to work out what it means just because you couldn’t be *rsed to learn to spell. And don’t go whining about being dyslexic because you can spell the other words perfectly well. You’re just plain lazy.

And it’s “could have” not “could of”. Gggnnnngghghh

Not poor, not rich, but everything I want is always tantilysingly out of my grasp ( including knowing how to spell).

(JO says: “I was thinking…
If you were desperate and you needed to get your hands on some money, instead of “doing” a bank-job – why not “do” Dragons Den?
Think about it. There’s 5 of them, they’ve each got 200,000 in front of them, that’s a million pounds sitting right there.
Go in, say you’ve got an invention to show them – then smack that Theo Paphitis in the face! And then Deborah Meaden, give her a slap! By now Peter Jones would be running around in a tizzy and crying.
The only one you’d have to watch out for is Duncan Bannatyne – because he made his money in the ice cream business in Glasgow and we all know what that means.
Oh, and give Deborah Meaden another slap on the way out.”)

When you are different and people put a label on you saying that you are for instance “gay” or “retarded” even if you are very nice and helping! then they just repeat how “gay” you are and tell their firends about how “gay” you are and you dont have anybody on your side to back you up!!!!!!

The advert with the old woman telling us how wonderful a certain denture adhesive is when she does a gig.
When she does a gig!
I had no idea Cocoon the musical was on tour.
Cheerio.

1. SAINSBURY’S!! for a project, I needed 5 minutes in their store to measure a checkout, and after having sent in 3 letters, several e-mails, making 6 or 7 phone calls and many personal visits… totalling 4 weeks, telling me no! this was made slightly better though, when Tesco allowed it and fully arranged it within 5 minutes max.
So, try something new today, SHOP AT TESCO!

2. Public places that clearly have marked 2 different bins, one for rubbish, and one for plastic for recycling… the fact that people still put it all in one bin…

3. Incompetance in certain people who still dont know how to pronounce the company you work for, even though you’ve been telling them for 3 years.

4. Windows Vista. I think that doesn’t need detailing.

5. People who swear between every other word. Theres no need for it, unless you have tourettes, or an I.Q. less than 5.

6. People who go on about something simple, but dont do anything about it. e.g. “I need a shave” WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME? GO HAVE ONE!

7. People that ask you how you are, but dont really care.

8. When the parents compare your results to your cousin who did ever so slightly better.

9. Spoilt brats that have to have everything their own way, and seriosuly complain when something minor doesnt go their way.

10. Stupidly thick comments. e.g. “whats the difference between the C. of E. and the Church of England?”

11. Someone trying to reply to the stupid comments “not too sure, because my mum is catholic”.

12. Facebook wall’s. Is it not a bit primitive to write on someone’s wall?

13. Facebook Superwall. Whats the point? I’ve already got a wall someone’s written all over.

14. Weather on T.V. why do you need to tell me? If its raining, I’ll look outside, and if you say its raining, it probably isn’t.

15. People who watch sport on T.V. shouting instructions to the Atheletes. “THEY BLATANTLY CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

16. Vegetarians. You’re point’s not getting across. The animal is killed either way. If you choose not to eat it, then, thats a waste of good food.

17. Bad Design of mobile phones. some are just poor, they snap after a week because their so thin, and the keys are too small to press with your fingers.

18. Covers of originally amazing songs ruined by other artists, or MTV mash-ups.

19. People who say lasagne with an ‘r’ in the middle. Its like they’re saying I cant afford their friendship.

20. People who ask you for help without even attempting it themselves, or paying any attention when you do decide to help.

Gary Glitter! He’s 62 and he’s having sex with 12 year olds.

I gave that shit up when I was 19.

Okay 22.

That advert they keep playing on radio and television where they sing that song about “Knock Off Nigel”.
If I can buy DVD’s for two quid each, I’m f***ing buying them.
In my local pub when OUR version of Knock Off Nigel comes in, we all buy him a drink.
And he sells music CD’s. Same deal. Two quid a CD.
Anyway, this is Britain. We love a lovable rogue. The most successful sitcom in Britain in the last 30 years was Only Fools And Horses. Del Boy Trotter was the original Knock Off Nigel.
DVD companies can’t have it both ways. They can’t say “Don’t you love watching Del Boy sell stolen gear? Why not buy the complete series” and at the same time say “oh you shouldn’t buy knock off DVD’s”.
Wouldn’t it be ironic if you got arrested for buying a bootleg copy of an Only Fools And Horses DVD?
I’d sue the makers of Only Fools and Horses for corrupting my mind. Its nearly worth doing it and going to court.
When are you coming to Bristol? If you have a DVD I’ll buy it.

(JO says: “Every CD has that little sticker - “Home Taping Is Killing The Music Business” and I think: Good! I’ve heard Coldplay – I want the music business to die.”)

I want plain old boring porn - A MAN and A WOMEN!! Not… granny porn, midget porn, teens gone wild porn, porn with girls with braces (creepy :(, anal porn, group porn, gay porn, clown porn, animal porn, all girl porn, foot fetish porn, all blowjob porn, cartoon porn, any porn that mentions the words “mommy” or “daddy” (just ewwww!)….
— and another thing, I hate it when the girl seems completely disinterested. If I don’t feel like the girl is into it, then I can’t get into it. Either way, to each his own - I’m just annoyed that PLAIN old porn is so hard to find :(

(JO says: “Thanks for sharing.”)

People who don’t help save the environment.
Every week I put Heat magazine, Hello magazine and OK magazine into the recycling bin…
…the newsagent says I should pay for them first - but hey, “cut out the middle man!”, that’s my motto.

Hello Jo you are a googlewhack

(JO says: “I have no idea what this means.”)

Parents in half term who think their 6-7 year old children want to go the shopping centres. They obviously dont. They are dragged kicking and screaming, the little brats.
I was disgusted today to find a young mother of twin 6ish boys in Anne Summers buying kinky underwear for valentines day, allowing her boys to pick up rampant rabbits from the shelf?!
I was a sad cow, and asked the shop assistant to have them removed. In london you need ID to get into the sex toy section dont you?? well not in Norwich. That explains….

Sarah 19 Appauled Pharmacy student

(JO says: “One of my favourite stories from last year was in the Metro newspaper…

I bet that U.S. spy satellite will annoy, by not crashing on Tony Bliar’s head. Arrogant slimy bastard deserves it. President of Europe! I would’nt want him in charge of my washing basket.
Also why do some people feel OK to drive with half their lights not working. Too tight to buy a bulb, go crash into a tree.

My cousin put some Norton Anti Virus Security software on his laptop.
It didn’t work.
He was crossing a road and got hit by a bus.

(JO says: “Badda boom!”)

The guy with the moustache in the corner shop who wrote “Calendar’s, £2.99”.

(JO says: “I don’t get it. Am I missing something?”)

I was doing some babysitting and you know that saying “kids say the funniest things”?
Well they don’t.
They just talk a load of bollocks!

Now “drunk kids” - they really do say funny things.
If you happen to leave your glass of wine by the side of the chair, and you go through to the kitchen, you come back and baby Daniel has knocked it back – they are hysterical!

I saw someone dressed up like a chicken outside Car Phone Warehouse in Basingstoke.
They were jumping up and down and waving their arms at the traffic.
I don’t know if they were affiliated to Car Phone Warehouse or if they were just someone who craves attention…
It was hard to tell.

I’m not so much ‘angry’ as confused.

My husband went on and on for months about getting a ‘high definition television’ and how it would “enhance our viewing pleasure”.
We’ve had it two weeks and so far the only thing I can see it doing is providing sharper pictures of the same old absolute dross!
Why are there so many repeats on BBC?
What do they use my license fee for??

The moron who thought hanging wind chimes outside his home in a built up area of this town was a great idea. Now I’m popping Kalms like there’s no tomorrow all because of his complete disregard for his neighbours sleep and mental health.
I’d also like to add the local Mental Health team to the list, for failing to have the man sectioned and implying I could be the one with the problem!! Cheers, Jo!

I will never buy a Halifax ‘product’ whilst they perpetuate making 15-minute stars of their sad bank employees.
And don’t mention ‘Uncle Tom’ Howard - I can just imagine him in his branch being fawned over by the old women that come in, then behind the scenes he’s being a proper ignorant bastard to some minion who’s corporate scarf isn’t on straight.

I read recently that just before his death in 2003, Adam Faith’s last words were, “Channel 5 is all shit, isn’t it? Christ, the crap they put on there. It’s a waste of space”. I reckon that a truer word has never been said.

And adults who are critical about Harry Potter, when the whole damn thing is supposed to be for kids. Mind you, I still find it annoying to see adults reading the bloody books.

Jordan being named woman of the year by Cosmopolitan magazine.

Jodi Marsh must be spinning in her pig sty.

First
Great
Western
AARRGGHH!!

I’ve decided that I don’t like this smoking ban after all beacuse it’s had the effect of filling the pavements outside various seedy pubs near me with sad crusties blinking in the unaccustomed afternoon light with their fags and copies of the Racing Post. Is this post too topical?

(JO says: “I always think the people standing outside the pub are like an advert for what it’s like inside.
Don’t like the advert? Don’t go in the pub. Saves a lot of valuable drinking time, doesn’t it?
Although “fags and copies of the Racing Post” could also be a description of Ladbrookes, Paddy Power or my Uncle George’s house.”)

Intolerant people.
If you think the Sudanese Government were over-reacting just because a teacher called a teddy bear Mohammad wait till they find out the bear is Jewish.

Rhydian. He’s going to win it. And we’ll all get the idea in our head that sub-operatic voices are somehow a Good Thing.
(I’m not very happy about that dancing programme either…)

Just to say first and foremost - thanks Jo for a very entertaining site!!
Okay - what does my head in are crowded shopping centres on a weekday. On the rare occassion I am off work, I am amazed and annoyed at how many mums are out pushing their scummy brats in the pushchair, how many toe-rags are hanging about outside bars and pubs, how many school children larking about on benches or hurling chips at auld ladies. Does anyone else know of this phenomenon within our town centres during the week - I mean why aren’t people at work? why aren’t the kids at school? why do so many scrote-y looking chav mums have so many kids (do men actually sleep with these foulmouthed dirtbags?) - Jo, help!!!

Teenage girls wearing ‘Play Boy Bunny’ gear, the majority of them don’t even know what it stands for!
It makes ya wanna go up to them, slap them and say ”That’s for Hugh Hefner, he says your not good enough!”
God, i hate them so much…

(JO says: “I don’t like the parents who dress their children in Play Boy / Play Bunny clothes.
Okay, the bunny logo looks cute - whether its on a pink glittery notebook, or tattooed on the bottom of an “ass-bitch” on a hip hop video.
But I just think, if a parent is dressing their daughter as a hooker / porn star maybe that parent shouldn’t be allowed access to their daughter.”)

People putting apostrophes in the wrong place.
Neds/Chavs whatever they call themselves.
People calling themselves ‘Punk’ because they have heard one Misfits or Clash song, and listen to My Chemical Romance, which to be honest, should be named “My Chemical Wank”.
R.M.P.S teachers who are also Protestant priests, bias views much?
Perverted old men… i mean, even if they weren’t old and perverted, whats to say that I’d even be interested in them?
People that come up to you in pubs/clubs and say “DO you support *football team*?” you tell them no and they instist that you do. If your so sure that i support them, why the f*ck did you have to ask?!

(JO says: “My Chemical Wank is a FANTASTIC name for a punk band! Let’s form one!! Who wants to play guitar?”)

I have no idea what I want to do in life =[

(JO says: “Could be worse. My friend hates his job and he’s a careers advisor.”)

People who are too quick to brand a person a racist after an ill-considered remark, often made in a state of futile frustration. Jane’s resort to base puerile name calling is likely due to a crisis of confidence reflecting issues of low self-esteem as a consequence of the academic under-achievement to which she was obliged by a childhood rife with deprivation and abuse. The seemingly racist taunt is then nothing more than senseless jabber from a shallow mind. It would be kind to pity her terrible feebleness-of-mind and explain in the softest terms that your Irish ancestry simply has no bearing on your ability to antagonise her evidently well-placed sense of self loathing. Of course with such a low-minded subject, you will probably need to repeat the advice many times in very simple terms and allow Jane’s subconscious to form an association that might override the primitive cognitive functions that compel her to abuse. Ultimately, a simple mantra-like chant could prove effective: “Jo – funny – Irish – irrelevant – Jo – funny – Irish – irrelevant – etc.”.

(JO says: “Nigel Clark, Nigel Clark. Where would we be without you?”)

What has happened to TV adverts?
They used to be the best thing on, but now they just suck. And who exactly are they aimed at – if you’re the kind of person to shop at Iceland just because Kerry Katona tells you to, then you probably shouldn’t be allowed out by yourself should you?
Speaking of Kerry Katona, did you hear that she was held at knife-point? That just about sums up everything that’s wrong with this country … too many people leaving jobs half-done.

That I’ve just spent the last 30 minutes reading through the Paul Stanley rants…

Jo Caulfield - blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah with her snot nosed, smarmy, looking down her bog trotting Oirish nose blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

(JO says: “Dear Jane,
It’s called Comedy and the lines are called Jokes.
The reason I know so much about and can laugh at Argos is because I shop in Argos.
I’ve never been to Knightsbridge or Harrods but if I had I would be writing jokes about them.
I would have apologised until I read your line about “her snot nosed, smarmy, looking down her bog trotting Oirish nose” and then I realised you’re a racist.
A racist who obviously can’t take or understand a joke.”)

People who moan that they are tired because they chose to go to bed really late after getting totally wasted.
Some people are tired because they have really stressful jobs, tiring illnesses (especially back problems which are exhausting!!!!!), long days at work or have to stay up late studying because they are struggling with their degree course.
Why do I always find a really annoying tit who was just raaaving it up all night and expects sympathy from me.
at least you had the energy to leave your flat last night.
mucho love Jo xx

When you’ve been really looking forward to your favourite act coming to your home town, you’ve persuaded five friends that they’ll never laugh as much as they will when they see her, you’ve talked your boss and his wife into coming and you’ve even told your wife that you and she are going to see Jo because she’s so funny and not just the witty piece of eye candy you go on about, Jo cancels ‘cos she’s filming in America! Hope you rearrange the gig Jo. Good luck with the filming.

(JO says: “Alan I am so sorry. I had the tour all planned, posters printed, leaflets distributed then… I got offered some TV work I just couldn’t turn down! Rather than drop dates here and there I decided to cancel the whole tour and hopefully rebook it for early next year. Sorry. Sorry.”)

I find it really annoying when close elderly relations say, before their birthday, ‘don’t waste your money buying me a present’, and, ‘I told you not to bother!’ when you do. You know very well that if you hadn’t bothered, they would have wallowed in self pity for weeks.

Also, why do some old people live in fear of the dreaded ‘estimated’ gas bill, even going as far as declining an offer to be taken for a trip out to the Garden Centre for the afternoon, because ‘the man’s coming to read the meter!’

Arsehole neighbors who think grass cuttings and old carpets are good things to burn.
Just about everybodys loud snot nosed kids.
Bird flu, for not coming good and thining the population out a bit.

Slugs and spatial awareness… separately, but they’ve both been bugging me this week.
I was in a deli yesterday and saw they were selling escargots. This was a kit comprising* a bag of empty shells and a tin of, so they claimed, snails. I don’t know about you, but if I see something that looks like a snail minus its shell, I don’t think I’m seeing a homeless snail, I think I’m seeing a SLUG. My bet is that there’s a factory turning out plastic snail shells and, somewhere, someone’s making a fortune from slugs.
Also, I think we need to have a national spatial awareness week. This would be an opportunity to train people not to:
1. Step off the pavement in front of my car.
2. Walk with their mates across the pavement, giving me no room to pass without stepping off the pavement.
3. Leave their supermarket trolley across the aisle, blocking my way.

*… ‘comprising is a word that can annoy me too. I find it really irritating when people say ‘comprising of’. It’s either ‘comprised of’ or just ‘comprising’.

(JO says: “Remember, if it walks like a SLUG and talks like a SLUG - it’s probably Paul Burrell.”)

Tried to get on to this site today in school, and it was restricted….

Yesterday I was coming out of Ross Noble listening to somebody critersize him. I wish people would understand that in comedy you will always be offending somebody, no matter what…. I hate people who get all angry and annoyed just over a couple of little things…

(JO says: “Clever. I see what you did there. Very clever.”)

Sorry something else just crossed my mind-the fact that The Men They Couldn’t Hang are singularly one of the most fantastic band ever to have come out of Britain and hardly anyone knows about them. Scandalous.

The self-satisfied, but totally unaware hippy-type who didn’t know me at all and who was also NOT qualified in any kind of medical discipline, but still felt perfectly justified in giving me unwelcome advice. On learning that my mother was having chemotherapy she patronisingly told me that chemo was “really unnecessary and destructive” and suggested Mum just tried “eating more broccoli instead”. Of all the things that have made me angry in the whole forlorn process of watching someone you love die of an awful disease, this supposedly innocent comment is still one that has the power to make me want to throw things. In my more evil moments I want to find the girl again and say I took her wise counsel and stopped the chemo and would like her expert advice about what we should do next, particularly now Mum has stopped breathing. It would be interesting to see if, in her opinion, broccoli not only has tumour-retarding properties but also has the power to resurrect.

Here’s another annoying memory from the distant past.
These days a trip to see the doctor isn’t too bad, what with appointments, almost polite receptionists, good magazines (there was even a copy of Mojo the last time I went), your name displayed on the LED screen when it’s your turn, and doctors who actually speak to you on pretty much the same level. It was a different story when I was kid back in the late 50s. There were no appointments; you just had to wait your turn with everyone else in a packed (in the winter there was a one bar electric fire) waiting room. If there were any magazines at all, it would be Peoples Friend or the Angling Times. When you arrived you would have to join the queue at a small frosted glass hatch, which had a ‘DO NOT KNOCK ON THIS WINDOW ‘sign on it, which would be opened intermittently, whenever it took her fancy, by the most miserable old bag you could imagine, and, after giving your name, you would be told to take a seat. You would then have the embarrassment of having to get everyone’s attention and ask things like, ‘Was that lady before you?’, ‘Are you seeing Dr Davies?’ ‘Am I after you?’, because you had no idea when it was your turn. Also, there were three little lights in a row on the wall, one for each doctor, which would flash, just once, when the buzzer sounded. If you didn’t quite catch which one it was you would then sheepishly look at everyone else, praying that somebody had. When you did finally get to see him (no female GP’s in those days), he would be sitting behind his desk, invariably in tweeds, smoking a pipe, and would proceed to address you in an extremely patronizing manner. I can even remember one occasion, when, as I walked in, he was practising his golf stroke! You would think that once you’d got your prescription that would be the end of it. But no, you then had to get back in the queue and wait until the old witch opened the hatch again, where she’d snatch it from you, stick her rubber stamp into the inky pad and give it a furious seal of approval. Mind you, we was happy then!

(JO says: “Paul, you need a hobby. No, seriously, you NEED a hobby.”)

Mothers who stuff their toddlers mouths with crisps the bus. Usually Monster Munch, usually Pickled Onion, always more annoying than the old lady sitting behind you sucking on a Werthers Original.

And the old lady sitting behind you sucking on a Werthers Original.

This is my entry on the Zimbabwe debate section of BBC News Have Your Say:

This is insane, now I do not pretend to be an expert on politics or world affairs, but consider this:
America enters Iraq supposedly to rescue people from a life of tyranny as part of its “war on terror”. G-Dubya just waded on in there in spite of opposition from the UN.
NOW, I just watched a video of a baby losing it’s hair and skin from malnutrition among other horrors and blatant flouting of human rights and democracy. Where is G-Dubya now? That glorious bastion of human rights on his armoured charger?
Could it be that because America has no “interest” (I could sling a lot more mud here regarding certain arms manufacturing corporations and certain shareholders but I won’t) That they aren’t bothering?
In my opinion this world is a corrupt sewer full of corruption and self-serving gravy train riding blinkered, head in the sand hypocrites in power. (And that’s just the civilised parts)
Forget the sanctions, Mugabe and his Mob will just loot themselves more brandy and cigars until the whole country just implodes, but why wait fo this to happen? It is the poor who will suffer under the weight of sanctions. Come on G-Dubya (our hero) let’s see some more of that “humanitarian” spirit of yours!
Yes and that goes for you too Mr Brown!
Yours in despair, Carl.

Internet pop-ups
Not just that though, the pop-ups that say “Sorry, this offer is not available in your area, redirecting you in 3, 2, 1…”
I didn’t want the original sodding offer! So why ram your second-rate redirection down my throat 20 times a day before making my computer crash from trying to add too many pictures of “hot babes” or instant win offers?
I wouldn’t want you’re shit porn even if I wasn’t fucking gay
Tossing toss pots

This isn’t just a now thing, it ALWAYS irritates me… woman that do their makeup in public, usually on the train/tube. Sitting there pulling all sorts of stupid faces, staring at themselves in a small mirror before adding on the tenth layer of mascara, tweezing hairs from their eyebrows and noses (yes, I have seen this!), elbowing whoever is sat next to them. GET UP EARLIER!!!
My favourite game if found next to someone doing this is to occasionally “accidentally” nudge them or move in my seat in hope they will smudge something across their face :D
Once a woman did her makeup, then her hair (yuk!) and I finally snapped when she pulled perfume out of her bag… needless to say she didn’t spray it on the train once I’d pointed out to her where I would put the bottle if she did!!!

Getting a message like “Sorry, we were unable to add your entry for the following reasons:
Security code was incorrect. Please press BACK on your browser and re-enter the security code.”
Name is too short
Location is too short
Message is too short
The security code was correct and why is London too short? Should I have said, Lovely London, or perhaps Stinking filthy And Ridiculously Expensive London, or should all that be one word?
Is my name Klax too short, how about Rumplestiltskin?
Anyway Jo is even shorter.

(JO says: “Sorry Klax/Rumplestiltskin, I usually update the Angry And Annoyed section everyday but I’ve been out of the country and didn’t have access to a PC. By the way I completely agree with everything you said about the BBC. Apart from that you’re a dick.”)

The fact that Radio One, paid for out of the Licence fee has been nothing more than an advertising platform for the products of the music business, the owners of which have become obscenely rich.

The fact that the BBC pays Camelot for the privilige of putting on the Lottery programme. Its nothing but an advert for the lottery. Camelot should be paying the BBC (is there a theme developing here?)

The BBC being criticised by the Government for not telling the truth.

People who go on about the BBC.

On holiday recently I saw a young British couple in a bar, giving their 8 year old sibling (who was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with ‘If You Think I’m A Bitch, You Ought To See My Mother’), sips of lager! What’s that all about? It’s as if they are saying, ‘come on, get it down yer neck, you’ve got to get used to it, you’ll be drinking gallons of the stuff when you’re older!’ Don’t people realise it might be possible that kids actually enjoy being treated like children!

This lousy wet summer because a lot of my time has been spent killing these ginormouse bloody slugs. It was suggested I try putting some beer out for them. No such luck so the cosequences being it has made me so depressed at the devastation these bastards have caused with my crop of fruits and vegetables I have taken to drinking the beer myself to try to lift my spirits.The moral being these bastard slugs have got gloriously fat and I am now an alocholic. Oh well best get down to the off licence before it closes tarra X

On my 16th birthday my mother took me aside and told me I was adopted. It was very traumatic – because I found out she was lying.

My Grandmother recently died. The first thing we did was sell her house and I got a couple of thousand.
I bought one of them sofa-beds, you know, a couch that folds out into a bed. I didn’t really want one but I felt sorry for my grandfather. He’d nowhere to sleep.

I went to a casino last night. I got so drunk I thought the vending machine was a fruit machine. I was there for 2 hours. I won 4 packets of crisps and a twix.

Dan Brown’s Davinchi Code. I’m on page 47 since summer 2005…

…and saying “true fact” these two words mean exactly the same.

I’ve started, so I can’t stop…
Rattus rattus - so good they named it twice.

Everyone who says PIN Number.
Get this, PIN = Personal Identification Number.
PIN Number = Personal Identification Number Number.

PARENTS!! I mean come on, I swear that parents are just there to annoy the living daylights out of anyone!! I’m 18 and just about to move off for university, and i’m leaving my home, and family behind….YES!!! No more annoying and embarasing times for now! I know some of you will be saying ‘He’ll be back home in a Fourghtnight to do his laundry and get dinner’, But when i have a 4 hour train ride home, I think that’s quite unlikely. Imagine me sat on a train, Laundry piled high in the seat next to me, skipping lectures so i can get a home made meal and be lazy! I don’t think so! and I hate these people that say that education’s getting easyer, I worked my Butt off to get what?! a D and 2 fails and they say they’re getting easyer?! I’d like to see them have a go! People can get so cocky sometimes….End of rant, carry on with your Buisness

(JO says: “Embarasing and Fourghtnight - concrete proof that education is not getting EASYER.”)

Totally agree with Kerri and religious nutters. I remember when I was a kid, a knock at the front door and following my dad down the hallway to answer it. It was a crowd of Jehovah’s Witnesses who said, ‘We’ve come in search of the Lord’. To which my atheist father (my mother was an Irish Catholic, confused childhood or what?) replied, before slamming the door, ‘I’m sorry, he’s not in!’

The whole 10 year anniversary thing about the death of Lady Di…do we REALLY need to see the funeral again??
And if so then has enough time passed so we can change from ‘Candle In The Wind’ by Elton John to something more appropriate like ‘Crash.Bang,Wallop,Flash..What A Picture’ by that lovable entertainer Tommy Steele?

People who don’t keep their websites up to date.
By the wasy Jo, where can we see you in the next few months?

(JO says: “I’ve just got back from the Edinburgh Festival. I’ll have my diary up to date by Friday.”)

Embarrassing farce
I know farce is supposed to be implausible, but I always find it uncomfortable if it jumps about in the realms of pure fantasy. Take the IT Crowd on Channel Fooer the other day; I couldn’t. In response to an alleged theft, a policeman not only appeared promptly offering more than a crime reference number, but he actual took notes and conducted enquiries. Surely this is too far a stretch for our suspension of disbelief.

I recently turned 60, and I hate it!
Being 59 was a whole lot better, because I’m now finding out that, paradoxically, I am entitled to things I really, really, do not want to be entitled to, but that are actually beneficial to me, like a bus pass and 200 quid towards my fuel costs for the coming winter. Because I’ve never been able to resist anything that’s free, I used my bus pass for the first time last week, to make the 16 mile journey to Stoke-on-Trent (well, you only live once!). But, because it stops at ‘every hole in the hedge’, it took over an hour, in which time I could have been there and back in the car. I was quite hoping the driver would look at me and question the validity of the pass, but of course, he didn’t. In fact, I was with my 11 year old son, and one old lady asked him if he was having a day out with his granddad. Help?

Religious nutters!
I don’t mean the normal religious people who go to church/mosque/a mountain in Tibet, they are ok, they keep themselves to themselves…I mean the freaks that “spread the word of the Lord” by shouting on the streets.
That chap that used to be in Covent Garden and then the Piccadilly area now has followed me to Stratford! Will I never get peace from him???
Today was a classic tho, religious woman informing us of our sins and how everyone in the UK was going to hell as I was attemping to buy my daughters birthday present. Several people told her to go away or shut up, to which she responded by shouting back at one man and being all agressive…
…am pleased so say she didn’t take too kindly to me telling her she just made the baby Jeeeesus cry by showing anger :)
FA x
PS top show in Edinburgh and a pleasure to get to chat to you afterwards and confuse lots of women with the whole toilets thing :D

BBC reporters (yes even the BBC is guilty) of asking people stupid, loaded, on sided questions e.g. re the recent floods - Interviewer’s typical question to person who has just had house flooded “So tell me - you must be really upaset about this - how do you feel?” “Great thatnks - I’ve just lost all my posessions - how do you think I feel?!!”

I know I’ve moaned about repetitive TV before, but how come whenever someone gets a successful idea for a TV prog, they just keep repeating it to the point of overkill? Celebrity chefs, wife swaps, house makeovers, relocations, filthy houses, tracing family trees and talent shows which try to make superstars out of someone who can just about carry a tune. Now every time you turn on the TV, it’s some bugger walking or climbing in the bloody Lake District!

1) complete DOBBERS who turn up last to a busy Fringe Show where there are OBVIOUSLY very few seats left and ask the usher “Have you got anything more central?” … get there early and queue like the rest of us if you want a good view of the marvellous people!

2)having got to the venue early to queue in a hot, cramped, faint inducing environment and hence earn (YES EARN) the right to choose one’s seat … ushers who have trained with the Hitler Youth and are intent on herding you into the crappiest seat in the venue so as not to leave any gaps … This is a rallying call to all Festival Goers … sit where you want, you are not a charity, you have PAID for your seat.

(JO says: “I totally agree with this. If you come to my show you can do what you want and sit where you want. Why not join me on the stage? Hey, you’ve paid the money - come on, do it!”)

Loved you on Just a Minute tonight- no YOU rock!

The staff at Primark irritate me. Especially in the Oxford Street Branch. I thought it was going to be the cheap bargains of Primark with the added class of a shop in central London- I could not have been more wrong. I was asked to put my clothes back on the rail because the fitting room attendant was going on a break. The place is a tip and then you put your own clothes back? are you kidding? and they get paid for that. sweet FA. Naturally I got an application form at the till.
much love
xxxxxxxxxx

Men with umbrellas when its raining. Why? I can undersatnd women with umbrellas when it rains because they’ve spent a lot of time, money and effort getting it to look good and if it gets wet we(the men) have to hear them moan about it for hours!! But men? First off we don’t have that much hair, and even if we do it’s usually short and manageable so it doesnt matter if it gets wet because we havent spent THAT long getting ready! And they dont even use proper umbrellas! They use those friggin huge golfing umbrellas!! WHY? It’s only water!! There’s only two people afraid of water: The Wicked Witch Of the West and Natallie Wood.
Oh and golfers, don’t get me started on golfers! They should all be hunted down to extinction as they paly the most tedious, useless, unimportant ‘pastime’ ever invented.
Peace.
Have a great day

(JO says: “The Natallie Wood joke was excellent! Didn’t see it coming then BANG! Loved it.”)

To me, Formula One Racing is so incredibly boring. Round and round and round and round, ’oh look at me, I can drive really, really fast!’ Also, being a bit of a tight arse who thinks buying a bottle of Asti Spumante is pushing the boat out; I can’t stand it when they stand on the podium, spraying top quality champagne all over the place. Bloody waste!

Ageism in the music business.
Shirley Bassey should’ve got higher than 37 and 47 in the charts this year. I heard there were problems getting The Living Tree played on Radio 1 and I think that’ s a pity because by putting ageist issues before playing music by a quality performer like Dame Shirley they could deprive today’s kids of hearing an excellent singer and genuine person as well as underrate the Dame herself.

“Please Jo, just tell me, is there anything a decent person can do to make the bank trip more comfortable? - Michael, Sheffield ”

Dear Michael,
Move to Surrey.
Best Regards,
John

(JO says: “That’s good. Sort it out between yourselves.”)

Those bloody picture loans adverts. ‘Dads found your scooter’ makes me cringe everytime.

Oh, and Richard Madeley, do think he might actually let one of his guests speak for themselves for once? !

And Dan Brown for writing the Da Vinci Code …..

Julian Clary and his big packet advert (for Direct Flooring) - Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
AND
Tony for Tile it All - “just say Tony from Tile it all sent you” - Bigger Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

What is the world coming to? I’m flabbergasted that the word ‘bollocks’ was said, not once but several times, on Radio 4’s Just A Minute today. Surely they shouldn’t get away with this? It’s repetition, isn’t it?

(JO says: “I’m on Just A Minute next week.”)

Look, this is a bit obvious but forgive me. Today is “pay bills in lunch hour” day, first the burtons store card (how middle class) then the bank credit card. Upon arrival into the lovely hsbc (always kept above 30 degrees c for customers discomfort), i see a total of two people serving and only one person in the queue. hurrah! i think….

..however…

…in just the one minute it takes to write out the credit card payment slip and count out 30 pounds in ten pound notes, the worlds entire population of change collectors, single mothers and the elderly emerge in the queue which now seemingly has no end. And surprise surprise, one cashier has buggered off, possibly to munch on a steak bake and talk to her idiot boyfriend about her mate soraya who called her a slag. bovvered.

Twenty minutes later, I’m still in the queue waiting to die. Please Jo, just tell me, is there anything a decent person can do to make the bank trip more comfortable?

ITV + Drama = Crap (Doubly so, if Robson Green is in it!)
Also, after seeing the Garnier Nutrisse ads, it’s really heartwarming to know that even with all the money she earns, Davina McCall still colours her own hair.

Bland noise pollution: Piped music with DJ "chat" whilst I'm queuing (yet again) at my local HSBC branch. How much Phil Collins can a person take?

This annoying memory from my distant past is 40 years old, but it makes me just as angry today as it did then.
I was a mod in the 60s and my top hero was the soul singer, Otis Redding, and I was very, very upset when he died in a plane crash in 1968. There used to be a programme on BBC television in those days that was the equivalent of Newsnight, it was called 24 Hours and the presenter was Cliff Michelmore. On the day of Otis Redding’s death, it was the last item on the show, and they showed a small clip of him in action, doing his famous ‘Gotta, Gotta, Gotta’, at the climax of one of his songs. Well, Mr. Michelmore didn’t seem too impressed, and, with a wry look in his eye, said, in a blatantly mocking tone of voice, ‘Well, apparently 'that' was the king of soul! Bloody prat!
It’s not surprising really, as he was responsible for producing a lot of 50s kids TV, namely ‘All Your Own’, presented by Huw Wheldon (who bore a striking resemblance to the child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang), who interviewed middle class kids from Surrey waxing lyrical about the joys of bell ringing, stamp collecting and making scale model boats out of matchsticks etc. In fact, Cliff was interviewed in the recent BBC series ‘Children’s TV on Trial’, and actually said ‘Children’s TV could have been a lot better in the 50s, we made a lot of mistakes’. He can say that again!

When my colleagues use the phrase "short like Gareth".
It's never "he's short" or "he's Gareth's height", its always "short like Gareth".
Bastards

Piers Morgan - Discuss.....

(JO says: "No discussion needed. He's a prick!")

(JO says: "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Paul 'Mr Angry 2006' Stanley! And he's determined to keep his crown...")

I have nothing against charity collectors, but I can’t stand it when they approach you, or rattle a tin in your face.
A very annoying tactic they are now using, which I witnessed in Sainsbury’s last Saturday, is deploying (with Sainsbury’s permission) one at every checkout, asking if you need any help with your packing. This is quite clever, as there is no escape.
Mind you, the most infuriating encounter I’ve ever had, was when I explained I hadn’t any change, and the collector actually tutted!

I also hate it when you are in a hurry, and bump into someone you know in the Supermarket. I have a set procedure to deal with this situation:
1) Have a conversation.
2) When you bump into them again by the Pot Noodles, have another, albeit briefer, conversation.
3) When you clock them yet again by the bread, quickly turn away and pretend (they are more than likely doing the same) you haven’t seen them!
The worst scenario is when you meet someone you used to work with, and when you go to introduce them to your wife, you realise you’ve forgotten their bloody name!

And I’ve just bought my lad one of those portable DVD players; the problem is the battery life is 2 hours, so when he watches Lord of the Rings, it has to be with a 5 hour interval!

Dear Jo,
I work from home (sort of) and my wife is a power dressing executive type at a big company.
What annoys me is that it's gone to her head and she comes home from work and starts delegating tasks to me. Just giving me jobs to to. And the worse thing is that by the time I realise she's doing it I'm already busy fetching and carrying.
Also she goes to a lot of big bossy meetings where they discuss market trends ,and sales figures and stuff. This means that at home she finds it impossible to be disagreed with. If I say 'no' to her or 'I disagree with your opinion on this or that' she gets very angry. I always feel like I'm going to get the sack.
What should I do?
Yours
Oppressed of Derby

(JO says: "Take it like the idiot you obviously are.
A 'power dressing executive type at a big company'? In Derby?
Are you drunk?")

When I go to McDonalds and ask for a Black Coffee, the person at the counter always asks if I want milk and sugar with it. Am I missing something or have McDonalds developed a special milk that doesn't turn coffee white when you add it to it.

(JO says: "Totally agree but I can’t believe your buying coffee from a big evil corporation like McDonalds when you should be supporting your local Starbucks.")

What is it with the price of diet coke in pubs? It's water pumped full of CO2 and assorted poisons. It doesn't attract excise duty but it invariably costs more than beer. All I can hope is that Chemical Ali takes the formula with him.
At least beer relaxes me whilst the caffeine in coke gets me really buzzing in a way that I've not experienced since, at the age of ten, I wondered whether wiring the output of my train set transformer across my temples could make my eyes wobble fifty times a second. Something I can't honestly recommend, although it comes a poor second to the 'setting fire to your bedroom' experiment.
The only good thing I can think of about drinking diet coke down the pub is that at least I go home with a pocketful of sparklingly clean small change.

Dear Jo,
It's been worrying me that you called me a stalker at the Holborn gig the other week, but I'm glad to be able to tell you that this is no longer the case.
What I've worked out is this: the difference between a celebrity stalker and a fan is that the latter has paid his membership fees. To this end I've set up "The Jo Caulfield Appreciation Society (Surrey) Ltd. and have paid myself £5 for my first year's dues. And it's worked - suddenly I feel clean again.
Yours sincerely,
John G
p.s. if anyone else needs their guilt assuaged and wants to send me a fiver, that's fine too.

(JO says: "Hi John, good to hear from you. You are not a stalker but then again I am not a celebrity. I'm a comedian-by-day and crime-fighter-by-night. £5? I'm going a bit cheap. All the best, Jo.")

Ungrateful women. It was the girlfriend's birthday last week. She loves reading, Pilates and shopping for clothes.
So I got her a book of pelvic floor exercises and some vouchers for Evans.
The keenly anticipated sex didn't materialize. She did say she would have to think hard about what to give me for my birthday though so I suppose that's something!

What the hell is the point of double sink vanity units in bathrooms?
Do couples really exist, who cannot bear to be apart from each other, even for a few minutes?
I can just see it now. ‘Darling, I’m just going to take off my makeup and squeeze a few blackheads, why don’t you come and have a shave, and maybe syringe your ears; we can have a nice little chat!’
It’ll be double lavatories next!

Jo Caulfield is fantastic!
Love your radio show soooo much
I'm still thinking I'd really want to be a comedian like you but I have trouble writing jokes and would probably be too nervous to go onstage.
Any advice?
Love Dean (Your No. 1 fan)

(JO says: "Hi Dean, thanks for that. Why not send me your email or phone number? I'll give you a ring and we can discuss it. Or come backstage and introduce yourself?")

GCSES! I have my last one tomorrow... but they are sooo horrible... Our whole future is decided on one test...

Now I'm even more angry and annoyed cos that one worked.

What I was trying to say is:

I'm amused, but I can imagine a certain high court judge might be annoyed and angrily wondering how come Stuart invented "unzip and illuminate" underpants on your show tonight on the very same day the judge had to show his Calvin Kleins in court to somehow prove he didn't expose himself on a train.

(JO says: "Well done John. And Stuart is happy to know there's at least one person in Britain paying any attention to him,")

After frequenting our new Tesco for a couple of months, I had my shopping trip down to a fine art. Being a typical ‘bloke’ shopper, I know exactly what I want, and where it is, and could be in and out of the place in 20 minutes flat.
However, when I went the other day I was dismayed to find that they’d had a big change around, and that most of the items are now on different aisles. When I asked a staff member why they had done this, I was told, ‘it’s to make it easier for the customer’.
Total bullshit! Easier my arse! It took me twice as bloody long!
The reason they do it is because people have to search for everything afresh, and might purchase things that they would not have normally spotted.
How they can insult our intelligence with, on the one hand being sly and sneaky, and on the other, expecting us to believe all the pseudo caring slogans like ‘Every little helps’, is completely beyond me.
I hate them!
The problem is, like everybody else, I have to shop there, even if it’s only because their 21p a packet chocolate digestives are just as good as McVities!

Thought your radio show was brilliant on Tuesday.
I would love to do what you do and be a stand up comedian.
Am buying your CD to study and learn from. If you get a chance can you sign it to Dean please. And your video clips are excellent. When are you doing more TV
Best wishes Dean

I went to a hypnotherapist to help me stop smoking. He put me in a trance where I felt numb, insensitive and unfeeling.

When I woke up I still smoked and I had an overwhelming desire to work for the Post Office.

Jo Caulfield
Only joking Jo, I think you're great and I've just ordered your new CD. Can you please sign it?
Thanks

Everything coming out in “Limited Editions”.
Its ridiculous. I even saw a limited edition choc ice bar (Magnum Extra)
How does that work? Are you going to keep it and save it away and one day let your grandchildren see your melted puddle of ice cream?

(JO says: "I agree, your husband is a complete idiot.
No-one is interested in British films nowadays.")

People that hate people they don't know. Someone like Angry George.

(JO says: "See that, that's clever. Cause you don't know Angry George, so you're doing to him what you've accussed him of doing to Keith Allen. That's good.I like that.
Better than all that other crap about Wasps.")

I've just read Tony Parsons new book.
And I didn’t like it at the beginning… or the middle… or at the end.

Why is it that you can buy a £2.99 kids toy that requires scissors, pliers and a screwdriver to open, but they still sell light bulbs in a thin cardboard box, exactly the same as did in the 1950s, that can easily break in your shopping bag.

Right now I was promised an ipod. I don't have that ipod. I'M FUCKING ANNOYED

(JO says: "Explaine?")

Jeremy Vine / Jeremy Kyle – anybody called Jeremy. (Pauline)
Putting my glasses on when my lenses are in already!! (Nick)
Being discriminated against at work (as a woman in a world run by men). (Sue)
Trying to get through to BT cust. Services & once you do you’ll still get transferred 3 times & they still need to phone you back as they can’t fix the “problem”. (Simon)
How my husband loads the dishwasher! (Eileen)
People with “too much hair”! (Jenny)
When people bail out on plans! (Amy)
Huge 4 x 4’s with just one person in. (Richard)
People that park on the pavement and you cannot walk past/get pushchair through. (Lynette)
Fat people on trains/planes. (Debbie)
The toilets here are tiny despite the huge room + you can’t turn around without knocking your legs on the loo or the tampon bin. (Sarah)
Old people at cashpoint machines. (Darren)
Smoking in restaurants (roll on July!) (Andy)
The clocks going back each year. (Clive)

Just two days until I meet my boyfriend for the very first time in Canada, I pull my neck muscle and now I can't move my head because the pain is so intense
AND
not only that, half of my head has gone red because of the stupid sun... I liked being pale!

(JO says: "Bauhaus, the Sisters of Mercy, The Mission, Dead Can Dance and Fields of The Nephilim were sitting in a graveyard at midnight.
All of a sudden Pete Murphy pulled out a knife and started slashing his wrists.
To which Andrew Eldritch turns round and said, "What are you celebrating?"

This joke is for Kirsty and no-one else. Love Jo x")

Getting my dates mixed up and missing you radio show! Also the fact that it is not on the "listen again" section of BBC radio webpage.

(JO says: "No, you're still two weeks early. My radio show starts Tuesday 5th June.
I'm sure it'll be on the "listen again" section for the following 7 days.
Hopefully we'll be putting series 1 & 2 on the website at some stage. Until then - you can read some of the lines from the new series in my latest Blog. Love Jo x")

Back in 2005 I went to see Little Richard at the Civic Hall in Wolverhampton. Halfway through the show I left my seat and went down to edge of the stage to try and get a photo. When I got his face in the viewfinder, I noticed he was shaking his head from side to side with a ‘don’t you dare’ expression’, sheepishly, I lowered my camera.
He then stopped the show, and, in front of the whole audience, proceeded to give me a right bollocking, accusing me of being a professional, taking pictures to sell on the internet. I tried to explain I had been a big fan for years, and had even bought one of his 78’s when I was 11 years old.
This seemed to fall on deaf ears, and as I skulked off he even yelled ‘he’s an old man and I bet he walks with a stick!’
Standing there, in that packed theatre, has got to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
In retrospect I should shouted back, ‘at least I haven’t got a stupid bloody mullet, and think it’s cool to wear gold pyjamas in public!’

(JO says: "What an embarrassment.
A night out in Wolverhampton!"

Did I make it clear I think Keith Allen is a complete wanker?

(JO says: "I did have to read between the lines but yes, I got the basic idea.")

Keith Allen.
I like the Clash. From 1976 to 1985 I bought all their records, went to their concerts, read their interviews. And I NEVER saw any pictures of Keith Allen.
Now the Joe Strummer movie comes out and Keith Allen is everywhere/in every picture! Is he trying to be cool by association?
Give it a couple of months and he'll leave the Clash Myth behind, like he did to his own Chav daughter.

"16yr old daughters who don't take their fucking contraception (Mike)"

Following on from this ... daughters who subsequently get arrested on a Saturday night and trash your entire Sunday getting them out of the Nick ... grrrr Adoption anyone?

People who ask me why I don't eat meat and then when I start to explain why they get a bit nauseous and tell me to shut up.
The story goes that I had chicken one night at a VERY well known eatery in York, (actually on a street called 'Whip-ma-Whop-ma-Gate) and when I cut into the thing I actually cut into a tumour! It exploded in blood and pus, went all over the table and I was converted henceforth.

(JO says: "No, I don't belive this. This is one of those stupid Urban Myths.
Everyone knows there are NO well known eatery's in York.")

FRANK LAMPARD. I hate the way he unbalances the England side. I hate the way he kisses his ring finger when he scores. I hate the big "I'm Frank Lampard" attitude when people critiscise him. I hate the fact he NEVER tracks back and tackles, leaving the dirty work for an Essien, Makalelele or Hargreaves.

But I do like that fact he has a face you really would never tire of punching.

I know you can watch something that is ‘so bad’, it is actually extremely funny, but surely that absolutely massive audience at the Eurovision Song Contest, who somehow manage to maintain a totally uninterrupted, manic, genuine enthusiasm for over 3 hours have got to be aliens!

Jo Caulfield not coming to Cardiff!

(JO says: "I'm happy to play anywhere. Contact your local comedy club and have them email me.

Until then, the new Radio 4 comedy series starts Tuesday 29th May.")

I can’t believe Bernard Matthews is using Spiderman to endorse his meat products.
What the hell is the link between dead bird flu turkeys, and a spider-based superhero?

(JO says: "Not interested in Spiderman. Or Superman. Or any of that superhero/Sci Fi rubbish.
I think Sci Fi fans go a bit far with all that dressing up as characters from the films and going to conventions.
You don’t see fans of Pretty Woman dressing up as businessmen and prostitutes and going out together do you?
Oh yeah Yates Wine Lodge.

The new Radio 4 comedy series starts Tuesday 29th May.")

Are you Elton John? Are you Bono? Are you Madonna, Michael Jackson or Angelina Jolie? If you can answer 'yeah I am' to one or more of the above questions I am the man for you.

I will break into your homes one fine, warm night whilst you sleep and kidnap you at gun point.
Once securely in my desert hideaway I will slowly and carefully, over a period of several weeks, explain to you that your life up to this point has been worthless and, if anything, harmful to the planet and those around you.
You seem to have this belief that by simply being rich and mildly creative you can solve the world's ills. In the very first second of our 'lecture' I will forcibly remind you of the simple equation that without poor people there can be no rich people and vice versa. Your wealth isn't simply drawn on paper by the kind people who deem it necessary to pay you. It doesn't just appear in your several bank accounts. It comes from other people. Ultimately, in this global economy, you are stealing bread from people's mouths all across the Earth. We have all heard the statistics, even if they differ slightly. However, suffice to say that around two percent of the world's population owns half the world's wealth. This means your riches are in direct opposition to the faux ideology you espouse to the press in order to further your own career.
You take children from their families and communities under the misconception you are helping them. You can afford to help the whole fucking village/city but because that might require a degree of real compassion and not look quite so good when you invite Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise round for your next bash you give it a miss. I will inform you that Africa (your current fixation) needs help from within and a sound infrastructure put in place in many of its countries not just cash thrown at it from sickeningly affluent sacks of shit like yourselves. Better still, you should become truly political without the need to appear on front covers, learn a bit about the background of the countries you are trying to help and provide aid to Africa on its own terms. It's not some poor desert state. It's a continent you fucking moron. Why rob a family of its child when you could afford to buy a school and a hospital for any place that needed it and ultimately help hundreds, if not thousands? I shall also tell you why. It is because you are a shallow, needy, mendacious c*nt bubble with all the empathy and understanding of Pol Pot (although who am I to judge?).
Finally, the last weeks will be spent reminding you that after all the chutzpah and kudos you are seen by many to demonstrate and deserve for your generous acts of kindness and generosity you retire to one of your several multi-million pound mansions to be waited on by servants whilst your newly acquired children get brushed away to your nannies of differing ethnic backgrounds. You do this for yourselves. Just because you have a multitude of people performing confidence building analingus on you doesn't mean you are as great as they tell you. You are a vapid, awful, insincere and generally unpleasant person who has lost all understanding of reality. Rather than carrying out misguided 'lifestyle choices' which affect real families and real cultures, after being advised by your latest 'guru', try and contemplate what offensive message you send out to the heaving, open-mouthed morass of your dim fans. Be ashamed. Learn. Do something that the cameras won't pick up on. Be a good person.
I can help you, at no cost. I charge no fee (although expenses would be appreciated as I don't earn more than God like you, ya c*nt).
Oh, and if you're Elton John I shall also create a specific sister course to deal with your misconception you are attractive and deserve to have a 14 year old's haircut when God clearly thinks otherwise. For anyone enrolling on the Michael Jackson course, I will have to end your life at the end of the module. It's just better that way.

University costs and the loans we are expected to take out...

I am 21 now and only in my first year at Uni. I have worked myself to the bone (60+ hour weeks anyone?) for several years including going through college after moving to the UK and not getting to finish High School in the USA. After 2 years of mind numbing lecturers and seemingly retarded fellow students, I was finally in a position to apply to the University of Herts for a degree in Motorsport engineering in 2005. I applied for loans and was told that all was well because I am a british citizen and my family hasn't two pennies to rub together. The summer of '05 went by and I worked harder than ever before. I was ready to start my serious education.

In the first week of september I gave my notice to my employers at the local village auto garage and began packing my belongings; but something very important hadn't arrived. I was less than two weeks away from moving into overpriced Uni accomodation and still hadn't recieved any written confirmation of my loans and bursaries, despite having to jump through a myriad hoops to get registered and submit the correct and required information to the government-run loans company! So I made a call only to be told by the surly scottish woman that I was, in fact, not eligible for a student loan until the next year (when I would have been resident in the country for 3 years)!!

I considered my options; defer my place for another year, or take out a personal loan for my first year's costs... After consulting the loans company, I was then informed that if i did the latter, I would not EVER be eligible for a proper student loan through them for the duration of my 5-year course!!! It was clear I had to wait another year.

As if the tuition rates were not hefty enough for a young man like myself with no money in my family, I was told that I would have to pay the next year's new tuition rates (£3000 compared to the previous £1175 per year), simply because I had to defer my place after the last day of August due to the loans company's poor communications!!!

To add several more swifts kicks to my testes, It is clear that the course has not changed in the least since the previous year, and even after paying more than double the previous rates, I still had to buy all my own books, paper, and even cd's and folders for submitting work!!

This year is now nearly over and I wonder how many people on my course have dropped out, or worse, are putting in just enough effort to get by with passes, who have been granted the same loans and bursaries several YEARS before i got to start! And I paid 22% basic rate income tax for years of work here so they could freeload? Not to mention all the sociology, media studies and english students who spend my hard earned money drinking at the Uni bar and will finish with useless degrees that weaken the value of my degree in the workforce, and who will eventually end up living on the dole (that I will be paying taxes for) anyway!!!

Maybe if all these so-called students went out and worked since they were 14 like myself, there would be some respect for people honestly trying to find a way from rags to a comfortable life through education and self-improvement?

And ignorant snobs here have the nerve to call me a lazy, money-draining student?

Truckers. Bastard Truckers.
Not only are they intent on abducting and murdering any hitchhicker that they happen to come across but it's also thier campaign to obliterate the rest of us from the roads. Bastards.
Call me intolerant but I seriously object to some moustached, side burned 17 stone twat in a 25 tonne killing machine forcing ME out of his way because in HIS bastard opinion he really does need to get past that other twatting lorry doing 0.5 mph slower than him.
It's their stupid 'Trucker's Safety Code' that pisses me off.
Excuse me but is it really that necessary to dangerously confuse the rest of us with a series of indications that defy common sense ? Is it really that necessary to take out your frustrations on not having a decent job by attempting to main and kill anyone in something smaller than your 16-wheel pretend cock ? It's not my fault that they're social retards!
I don't force them to spend their lives wolfing down trans-saturated shit in those revolting cafes, thereby increasing their girthlines and reducing their IQ in equal and opposite amounts. Do I force them to piss into coke bottles whilst driving and dump their fetid cess on the side of the road to be found by some unfortunate passer by later on? Is it my fault that you have to spend your evenings in the only pub in some god-forsaken shit hole in the very, very, very slim chance that you meet a female retard who you succumbs to your sideburns, your body odour and the prospect of some instantly regrettable and sordid sexual encounter in the flea-infested wank pit in the back of your cab?
Twats. Bastards.
Knights of the Road I think not.

I don’t have a problem with people in the entertainment industry earning loads of money. But how come Noel Edmonds, who earns 1.3 million for Deal or No Deal, has the audacity to tell contestants that 35,000 quid is a ‘life changing’ amount of money!

Also, he has a book out called ‘Positively Happy’, which his publisher describes as: "It's a powerful and engaging self help book that will show readers how they, like Noel, can achieve happiness". Surely, being a multi-millionaire gives him a bit of head’s start; if I had his kind of money my book would be called ‘Absolutely Deliriously Happy!’

I have to disagree with Helen, with regard to Russell Brand.
I think he is an extremely clever and very funny man. In fact, for someone who has absolutely no interest in sport, I wouldn’t miss his Saturday sports page in the Guardian for anything.
Mind you, he doesn’t half look like Nigella Lawson’s identical twin brother!

Having to be in a quiet carriage when I didn't want to be.
Not being able to be in a quiet carriage when I want to be!
oh well :(

I am a very sad person.
I am a complete idiot.
And a racist.
That's why I hide behind a false name.
That's why my comments have been changed.
Please don't check the log and publish my original comments along with my personal email address.
I admit I'm a real tosser.
I'm sorry.

The way Americans just cannot get their heads around ‘irony’.

On a visit a few years ago, I was in a ‘thrift store’, and when I got to the checkout I noticed a sign saying ‘10% Discount for over 55s’. As I was 54, I thought I would try it on, and told the girl I was 55, to which she replied ‘It’s ok. I’ve already deducted it’. So I wryly said ‘thanks a lot, you’ve made my day!’

All I got was a blank look, so I made an embarrassed exit, leaving a totally bemused assistant in my wake.

I hate it when I get a party invite and the dress code is smart/casual.
Is it smart or is it casual? Make your mind up! Where do you live? Kilburn or Lake Windermere?
What is smart/casual anyway?
The last party I went to I turned up wearing an evening gown and bunny slippers.

But the most annoying thing in my life at the moment is charging up electrical appliances.
I seem to spend my whole day plugging things in and charging them up.
There’s my electric toothbrush... my mobile phone... my husbands shaver... the house telephone... my ipod… the dustbuster…
By the time I turn the light off at night, my bedroom looks like the main runway approach at Heathrow airport.

COMING SOON:
Its That Jo Caulfield Again, 6.30pm, Radio 4 - 29th May 2007

Russell Brand.
I HATE RUSSELL BRAND.
I can no longer travel on the Picadilly Line because of him. Because if I did, I might have to pass through Leicester Square, and he has a show called 11 Leicester Square, and if I accidentally saw him I would be honour-bound to club him to death with my hot pink leather Filofax, and then he'd become some sort of international hero like Kurt Cobain or Elvis and I'd just be locked up, and that would be so UNBELIEVABLY soul-destroying that I'd have to hang myself from my cell bars with ripped up sheets, and I'm too young to die, I'm just Too Young To Die. Do you want me to die? No. So don't make me go on the Picadilly Line. Better for Brand to fade away than burn out.
The highlight of my day is photoshopping his head onto images of baby seals being clubbed to death.

When websites say 'Coming Soon' for months and months. When are your long awaited CD & DVD coming out?! The last Radio 4 series was superb and I need another dose of JC soon!

(JO says: "The DVD will be available on Monday 28th May.
The new Radio 4 comedy series starts Tuesday 29th May.
I'll be at the Edinburgh Festival from 2nd-27th August.
And then on tour round Briatin.
Until then, go to the LINKS section of the website and click on MySpace.com. There's 20min of TV and video stuff you can watch there.")

The thing that has most recently angered and annoyed me is the ridiculous number of cyclists who use their mobile phones while cycling. They really do think they are above the law on everything! What next, cycling murderers who get away with nothing more than the disapproving glares from passers by?!

(JO says: "I know what you mean. I was driving down Wood Green High St and I saw the guy in the car in front of me was using his mobile phone – so arrogant, I hate that. So I started beeping my horn. I followed him for atleast 10 minutes, continually beeping my horn. Finally he heard me and turned round – and he wasn't on the phone. He just had really big ears. That was a complete waste of 10 minutes.")

The way that all Radio 2 morning presenters speak in that ridiculous Harry Secombe/Brian Blessed/general Goon Show derivative theatrical intonation in a failed attempt to make everything they utter seem humorous or entertaining. They get progressively worse until Ken Bruce, who is so stupifyingly bland and unfunny it actually hurts. His undoubtedly hefty share of licence payers hard earned cash only encourages him and perpetuates his obvious delusion.
I can only assume that their popularity is attributable to the scarily high proportion of self satisfied, bland,middle class, middle England, Daily Mail reading, self satisfied, narrow minded, repressed dullards who listen religiously and volunteer their intolerant and simplistic opinions so willingly when Jeremy Vine comes on to break the monotony of the previous six hours of offensively inoffensive broadcasting. Thank goodness for Radio 4/6/7.
Messrs Lamarr, Maconie, Radcliffe and Wright thankfully help to redress the balance.
PS. I loved reading Paul Stanley and Nadie (The Sweary One)'s postings. Ranttastic!
I better go now before I feel compelled to post another one about my anger and annoyance with my own pomposity and piousness. Shit, I'm doing it again.

(JO says: " 'Ranttastic!' You lost it all there. That's the kind of thing Radio 2 morning presenters say in a ridiculous Harry Secombe/Brian Blessed/general Goon Show derivative theatrical intonation.")

Easter eggs.
No not just Easter eggs appearing in the shops immediately after Christmas (Yawn).
Just Easter eggs.
Yes they may seem innocuous enough, but they were invented in hell! Which is odd for a confection that melts so easily.
The soul purpose of the Easter egg is to induce post indulgent nausea in the consumer.
Take something as seductive as chocolate, over sweeten it, tart it up and serve it in a ridiculously oversized portion. The result can only be vomit in gobbits of sticky sludge.
I particularly hate Cadbury's Cream Eggs.
I don't imagine Cool Hand Luke would have looked quite so clever if he had gorged on them.
How do you eat yours? ... DON'T!
A cream egg is best despatched by cupping it ones hands, intertwined fingers, and continually squeezing as hard as possible until it bursts. This is very satisfying, and no more messy than disgorging it down yourself.

I don’t like Bono from U2.
I know he does a lot of charity work in the Third World which should be admired.
Because its a sad fact that most mothers in the Third World lose a baby before they’re two.
Either to famine, disease, or Angelina Jolie.
But it's just the name, 'Bono'. I can't take it seriously. Do you have to call him Bono when you meet him socially?
"Nice weather we're having isn't it Bono?"
"Could you pass me a breadstick please Bono?"
"Whose your electricity supplier Bono?"
The Edge and Bono, ridiculous names. So childish. They are both almost fifty. At school we used to call Jenny Owen ‘Scratchy’ but we stopped that by the time we were thirty.
Okay, thirty four.
And he looks so lame – wearing sunglasses in doors. I think he wears them to hide the look of shame and embarrassment in his eyes.
The only rock star who can get away with sunglasses indoors is Steve Wonder And he’s pushing it. Maybe he doesn’t realise.
Tony Blair says that he admires Bono which is reason enough to put any right thinking person off him.
And I can’t stand Coldplay.
David Cameron is a Coldplay fan.
I rest my case.
Rock stars are meant to be anti-establishment.
If politicians like you it means you are doing something wrong. Unless you’re a sickly child in a hospital in which case it just means you’re a good photo opportunity.

COMING SOON:
Its That Jo Caulfield Again, 6.30pm, Radio 4 - 29th May 2007

I used to think there was nothing more annoying than TV ads that try to sell you loans. But there is. TV ads for loans that, instead of using actors, actually use their own staff, who are dull, unattractive people, with droning monotone voices, trying to talk you into getting even deeper in debt. I would rather be conned by an actor anyday.

The way Uncle Rebus makes me sit in the garden, naked except for a monkey mask, in order to scare the postman. Or does he?

Or does he??

(JO says: "I think you're getting off lightly there. If I were your Uncle Rebus you'd also be bruised and bleeding.")

Talk about ‘you’re so vain’!
Just heard Carly Simon on Radio 2’s Ken Bruce show, choosing ‘I Get Along Without You Very Well’, as one of her ‘Tracks of their Years’ songs.
She described it as a beautiful Hoagy Carmichael song, and then went on to play her bloody version of it!

(JO says: "See what he did there? Paul started off with 'You're so vain' then went on to talk about Carly Simon. That's class, that is.
I'll bet he was up all night drafting that one.")

This is directed at Dave Morris, a bloke I work with who seems to think it is funny to go the canteen at lunchtime, stuff his face with liver and onions, come back to work and then burp repeatedly, thus filling the work enviroment with the wonderful odour of half-digested offal.
I know he looks at this website, I've tried everything else to shame him maybe this will do it.

SOFTWARE THAT IS NEVER R&D'D FULLY AND THEN RE-ISSUED UMPTEEN TIMES AS VERSION 6.1.1.2.1

ILL THOUGHT OUT CRAP WEBSITES DESIGNED BY IDIOTS

BANKS

ALLMOST EVERY COMMUNICATIONS COMPANY IN THE WORLD WHO SHOULD BE IN ANY BUSINESS EXCEPT THAT OF COMMUNICATION

REALITY TV SHOWS

LETTERS SIGNED FROM SENIOR PERSONNEL WHO WHEN YOU TRY TO TALK TO THEM ON THE PHONE ARE "NON CUSTOMER FACING" WELL THEN DONT F***ING WRITE TO ME A***HOLES !!!!!

When you see an ad from your 'TV/Phone/Broadband' supplier, offering the same services that you have, for nearly half the price, and written in small print is, 'does not apply to existing customers'!

I get annoyed at the way people I know always say "Oh isn't he the one with the awful teeth?" when they pick up and investigate my Shane Macgowan CD's. "Yes" they say, "He really is very ugly isn't he ?" Bastards.He may not be a looker but he is a genius and I was always told to never judge anyone by their appearance.

(JO says: "Shane Macgowan, Joe Strummer, David Bowie. Three sets of bad teeth, two great songwriters. Discuss.")

The incorrect use of the word literally- in sports commentary for example "he literally decapitated him" (when he obviously didn't).

Infinity- or more specifically when people talk about it - If an infinite amount number of chimpanzees had an infinite amount of typewriters, eventually one would write the complete works of Shakespeare. Prove it. What a tenuous example- i think an infinite amount of moths, chewing an infinite amount of clothes into an infinite amount of letters to make the complete works of shakespeare conveys a more realistic sense of infinity...maybe.

Other things...

Gillian McKeith and Claire Sweeney - please stop poisoning my eyes.

The over use and incorrect use of the word "obviously".
Women or indeed men who decide to seemingly do their entire weekly shop at the Express shop whilst leaving their car parked at the petrol pump - whilst on the school run!
Whilst on a really good diet having lost a stone, a dear friend drops in and gives you a galaxy bar... now eaten... great! The friend is of course skinny!
More later...only I am annoyed that I cannot remember the rest!

A quote from an actor, in a recent Radio Times interview, who has reached the dizzy heights of joining Eastenders.
‘I had a chance to have a go in Hollywood, but it wasn’t for me. I’m a bit of a home boy.’
Who’s he kidding?

We have bendy buses, not hover cars.

The future of travel was supposed to be a personal hover car, with a bubble roof, not an overextended, junction-blocking, incendiary charabanc.

Your friends NT... who are now under trading in Oxfordshire as Virgin Media. With out consultation Virgin took over, put up the prices and has failed to secure a deal with Sky who provide most of his channels. see link for more details. www.virginmedia.com/fairplay

I hate “Take Five” by Dave Brubeck.
It’s not the tune itself. Although it is quite irritating. Its more the way it’s been appropriated as an anthem by everything that’s smug and “clever”. It’s Emma Thompson in music form. agh!.
Its too self-satisfied to allow itself to be played in the background- it has to be noticed. Look at me - I’m “Take Five”. Aren’t I clever. do doo do do dooo dodododo do doo do do… Its loved by people who can’t stay in the background… Twats.
There’s only one tune worse, and it’s the similar one with all the hand-clapping that they use on ALL the adverts.

The English Parlour Game known as 'Tommy's Out !'
This involves someone from Sveden trying to write something funny and failing miserably.

I hate that you’re not allowed to take photos in the Customs area at the airport.
Because I really wanted to get my holiday snaps off to a cracking start with a nice shot of the Green Channel.