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| A couple of years ago a friend told me a good way to de-stress yourself is to write down all the things that make you angry or annoyed...
Then you read the list out loud...
And that’s meant to release your anger. So welcome to the “Angry and Annoyed” list.
Whatever’s annoying you right now, add it to the list and let it go. (Most recent entries at the top). |

There’s an annoying young lady at work, who repeatedly says my full name, and it’s certainly not because she fancies me. She’s annoying the hell out of me with this psychological abuse and she knows it. However she’s the managers sister at my place of work and I’m the quiet polite type who was brought up to be quite mild mannered and I’ve quite frankly had enough. I really want to choke the life out of the annoying bitch, so I thought I’d share this with you. |
| Mike, UK (June 2008) |
Ok I must admit, that although I pass by a flock of goats most days, I’ve not really taken much note of their bums. Thinking about it (more so than is reasonable) if I were to be trapped on an island with just Cherie and some goats. I’d get a lot of exercise chasing nanny about the place. I’d also like to mention Maidstones very own temporary traffic light festival. This can be found on many roads in and around the town. It’s an annual event that runs from the 2nd of Jan to the 24th of Dec. |
| Ron, Maidstone (May 2008) |
| Update - I brought a pair of bright green skinny jeans to go with my neon yellow ones… By the way, BRITIANS GOT TALENT… no we haven’t! the whole show is embarrassing… I don’t believe that the judges think that these people are any good! I mean, ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME THING?!?! |
| Kirsty Louise, South Wales (May 2008) |
| Goat’s bum ugly? Since when have goat bums been ugly? As I recall, goats generally have particularly pretty bums; pert, clean and often pink. Compared with sheep bums, one might almost consider them appealing. |
| Nigel ap Clark, Chalgrove (May 2008) |
| Elderly drivers hogging the middle lane of the A12 (northbound just after the Boreham interchange, that’s where they begin their campaign of irritation). All motorists over the age of 80 should be made to drive cars shaped like coffins, give the bastards something to think about as they annoy other motorists. |
| Mike Fordham, Essex (May 2008) |
| Every newspaper and magazine showing pictures of goats bum ugly Cherie Bliar. Can’t we just forget the whole horrid family, and so keep our lunch down? |
| Ron, Maidstone (May 2008) |
| Graeme Smith, Brian McLean, Stephen Craigan, Mark Reynolds, Steven Hammell, Darren Smith, Marc Fitzpatrick, Keith Lasley, Steven Hughes, Steve McGarry, Chris Porter, David Clarkson, Jamie Murphy and Mark McGhee. Bastards. |
| Teddy, London (May 2008) |
Dear Chedge… |
| Chedge, Midlands (May 2008) |
Women who buy things on eBay then never wear them. (JO says: “Mister Nice!! What’s happening in the land down under?”) |
| Reg, Christchurch (May 2008) |
| I do hope Paul Stanley isn’t scared away with these adverse comments; he’s the funniest thing on here. |
| Neil, Kettering (May 2008) |
I went on ebay yesterday, and ended up buying neon yellow skinny jeans! Meh… it seemed like a good idea at the time. |
| Kirsty Louise, South Wales (May 2008) |
| Charlton, Wolves, Bristol City, Hull and Ladbrooks. All bastards. |
| Teddy, London (April 2006) |
| People who make excuses to get out of doing stuff around the house !!! |
| Claire, London (April 2008) |
| Sarah’s assumption that Paul Stanley’s incessant whinging is somehow indicative of a lack of attainment or emotional fulfilment in his character. For all Sarah knows, despite what appears to be compelling evidence to the contrary, Paul could be a particularly accomplished gentleman with a perfectly balanced emotional and spiritual personal life. It might just be that Paul indulges in the inane activity of posting gripes to Jo’s popular page as a relaxation exercise to quell the frantic racing of an overworked mind, and, unlike some of us, not for the derisory satisfaction of receiving a paltry fillip to flagging self-esteem in the event that Jo considers one’s observation warrants an entry in the list. Sarah’s reliance on an obscure web page for entertainment; her intolerance of fellow sufferers and her failure to coin an original epigram suggest that Sarah’s own life experience might be a couple of titters short of a snigger. |
| Nigel Clark, Chalgrove (april 2008) |
| Cyclists who ride through red lights - what makes you so special? |
| Moogal, London (April 2008) |
| Coming on to this page for a giggle/comic inspiration and finding Paul Stanley still hasnt got a life and is still constantly moaning about stupid things. |
| Sarah, London (April 2008) |
| My Granny went on holiday and all she brought back was this lousy Terminal 5 t-shirt. |
| Jo Caulfield, London (April 2008) |
| I’m sick and tired of Dr ‘Bloody’ Who. To me, the cover of the Radio Times is permanently David Tenant and the ruddy Tardis. Also, just when you think things can’t get any worse, you find out that Catharine Tate is joining the cast! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Apr 2008) |
For the last couple of months I’ve been scouring the lonely hearts columns, looking for a sweet, sweet girl to, you know, stalk. So that rules me out then. |
| David, Perth (Mar 2008) |
I have a slap list, people I would slap should I ever meet them, vying for first place is Robbie Williams and Philip Schofield, others include Myleene Klaas (ugh - why do people think she is good looking), Victoria Beckham(double ugh) and many others. And where did Gary Rhode’s sudden posh accent come from?? (JO says: “I’ve got a slap list. Its official title is the London Telephone Directory but it serves the same purpose.”) |
| David, Westcliff on Sea (Mar 2008) |
| That bloody anti-perspirant advert, (Right Guard, I think) This is surely the worst advert I have ever seen. Nervous new teacher, stuck for words. Cut to male student who says “If it makes you feel better, sir, imagine me naked”, then turns to female student next to him and adds “You too.” Ugh, ugh, ugh, UGH!!!! (Shame they cut the ad before we see our fragrant, cocky young social misfit meet the grisly end he so richly deserves.) |
| Lucy Baldwin, Buxton (Mar 2008) |
| What is it with people spitting in the street??? I say people, actually its always men. Although last week I unfortunately witnessed an old chinese woman spitting in the street, she was outside the dentists…maybe that had something to do with it but PLEASE…..spitting is just stomach churningly disgusting. I wish I had the power to issue an instant fine, clean up order and a good sharp punch. Filthy bastards. |
| Salz, Wales (Mar 2008) |
I know it might not seem much, but I can get really annoyed trying to get a Weetabix out of the plastic packaging without having to get the vacuum cleaner out afterwards. Years ago, it was wrapped in that lovely waxy paper, and was almost a joy to open. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Mar 2008) |
Oh I know it’s an old chestnut but it’s the apostrophe thing. And the plural thing. And their and they’re. And your and you’re. It’s being mentioned all the time but nobody takes a blind bit of notice. It’s not hard to understand! What’s even worse are the cretins who think it’s forgivable. “But you know what they mean.” No I bloody don’t! Why should I have to re-read a sentence half a dozen times to work out what it means just because you couldn’t be *rsed to learn to spell. And don’t go whining about being dyslexic because you can spell the other words perfectly well. You’re just plain lazy. And it’s “could have” not “could of”. Gggnnnngghghh |
| Richard, Kent (Mar 2008) |
| All of the Directors of Opec. These guys will be getting millions for screwing up the Western World. Get them to Hell |
| Colin Hyslop, Hamilton (Mar 2008) |
| All of the Directors of The Assembly, Pleasance, Underbelly and Gilded Balloon venues. These guys will be getting millions for screwing up the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Get them to Hell |
| Duncan, Edinburgh (Mar 2008) |
Not poor, not rich, but everything I want is always tantilysingly out of my grasp ( including knowing how to spell). (JO says: “I was thinking… |
| Jim Treadgold, Oxford (Mar 2008) |
When you are different and people put a label on you saying that you are for instance “gay” or “retarded” even if you are very nice and helping! then they just repeat how “gay” you are and tell their firends about how “gay” you are and you dont have anybody on your side to back you up!!!!!! |
| Patrick , Cumbria (Mar 2008) |
The advert with the old woman telling us how wonderful a certain denture adhesive is when she does a gig. |
| Liz, Halstead (Mar 2008) |
1. SAINSBURY’S!! for a project, I needed 5 minutes in their store to measure a checkout, and after having sent in 3 letters, several e-mails, making 6 or 7 phone calls and many personal visits… totalling 4 weeks, telling me no! this was made slightly better though, when Tesco allowed it and fully arranged it within 5 minutes max. 2. Public places that clearly have marked 2 different bins, one for rubbish, and one for plastic for recycling… the fact that people still put it all in one bin… 3. Incompetance in certain people who still dont know how to pronounce the company you work for, even though you’ve been telling them for 3 years.
4. Windows Vista. I think that doesn’t need detailing. 5. People who swear between every other word. Theres no need for it, unless you have tourettes, or an I.Q. less than 5. 6. People who go on about something simple, but dont do anything about it. e.g. “I need a shave” WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME? GO HAVE ONE! 7. People that ask you how you are, but dont really care. 8. When the parents compare your results to your cousin who did ever so slightly better. 9. Spoilt brats that have to have everything their own way, and seriosuly complain when something minor doesnt go their way. 10. Stupidly thick comments. e.g. “whats the difference between the C. of E. and the Church of England?” 11. Someone trying to reply to the stupid comments “not too sure, because my mum is catholic”. 12. Facebook wall’s. Is it not a bit primitive to write on someone’s wall? 13. Facebook Superwall. Whats the point? I’ve already got a wall someone’s written all over. 14. Weather on T.V. why do you need to tell me? If its raining, I’ll look outside, and if you say its raining, it probably isn’t.
15. People who watch sport on T.V. shouting instructions to the Atheletes. “THEY BLATANTLY CAN’T HEAR YOU!” 16. Vegetarians. You’re point’s not getting across. The animal is killed either way. If you choose not to eat it, then, thats a waste of good food. 17. Bad Design of mobile phones. some are just poor, they snap after a week because their so thin, and the keys are too small to press with your fingers. 18. Covers of originally amazing songs ruined by other artists, or MTV mash-ups. 19. People who say lasagne with an ‘r’ in the middle. Its like they’re saying I cant afford their friendship. 20. People who ask you for help without even attempting it themselves, or paying any attention when you do decide to help. |
| Anthony, Loughborough (Feb 2008) |
Gary Glitter! He’s 62 and he’s having sex with 12 year olds. I gave that shit up when I was 19. Okay 22. |
| A Looney, London (Feb 2008) |
That advert they keep playing on radio and television where they sing that song about “Knock Off Nigel”. (JO says: “Every CD has that little sticker - “Home Taping Is Killing The Music Business” and I think: Good! I’ve heard Coldplay – I want the music business to die.”) |
| Jobbie Man, Bristol |
I want plain old boring porn - A MAN and A WOMEN!! Not… granny porn, midget porn, teens gone wild porn, porn with girls with braces (creepy :(, anal porn, group porn, gay porn, clown porn, animal porn, all girl porn, foot fetish porn, all blowjob porn, cartoon porn, any porn that mentions the words “mommy” or “daddy” (just ewwww!)…. (JO says: “Thanks for sharing.”) |
| Bee Mice Elf, New York (Feb 2008) |
People who don’t help save the environment. |
| A Nutter, London (Feb 2008) |
Hello Jo you are a googlewhack (JO says: “I have no idea what this means.”) |
| Richard, Sydney (Feb 2008) |
| Those who spend their time gabbing at supermarket checkouts whilst looking in their bl**dy handbag for their cards/money, when they’ve had the previous ten minutes of queueing time to do it. Do they find what they want? Yes, but only after finding their bus ticket, a year’s worth of receipts, and £50 worth of ‘10p off’ vouchers. |
| Paul, Hull (Feb 2008) |
| I hate the fact that my two sons had a shed load of Lynx shower gel for Christmas, and, because they hate the stuff and me being such a tight arse, I feel obliged to use it myself. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Feb 2008) |
Parents in half term who think their 6-7 year old children want to go the shopping centres. They obviously dont. They are dragged kicking and screaming, the little brats. Sarah 19 Appauled Pharmacy student (JO says: “One of my favourite stories from last year was in the Metro newspaper… A female sex toy was donated to a Marie Curie charity shop in Crouch End, North London. “It wasn’t in a box and had definitely been used before. We put it in a black bag and throw it away” said shop manager Kristian Hayward-Smith. |
| Sarah Hill, Norwich/Harrow (Feb 2008) |
I bet that U.S. spy satellite will annoy, by not crashing on Tony Bliar’s head. Arrogant slimy bastard deserves it. President of Europe! I would’nt want him in charge of my washing basket. |
| Ron, Maidstone (Feb 2008) |
My cousin put some Norton Anti Virus Security software on his laptop. (JO says: “Badda boom!”) |
| Ronald, London (Feb 2008) |
The guy with the moustache in the corner shop who wrote “Calendar’s, £2.99”. (JO says: “I don’t get it. Am I missing something?”) |
| Alicia, Sussex (Feb 2008) |
| Everton drawing with Spurs. I had Everton, West Ham and Man Utd down for a treble last night and they blew it. |
| H. Monroe, Barnet (Jan 2008) |
I was doing some babysitting and you know that saying “kids say the funniest things”? Now “drunk kids” - they really do say funny things. |
| Tammy, Kingston (Jan 2008) |
| I don’t think kids have to be drunk to be funny. A few years ago I was walking through JFK Airport with the family, when a really cool black guy made a remark to my 5 year old son in passing, about his fluffy spotted trousers, ‘Cool pants kid!’ He looked up to his Mum with a very worried look, and said, ‘That man can’t see my pants!’ |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Jan 2008) |
I saw someone dressed up like a chicken outside Car Phone Warehouse in Basingstoke. I’m not so much ‘angry’ as confused. |
| T. Mellor, Basingstoke (Jan 2008_ |
My husband went on and on for months about getting a ‘high definition television’ and how it would “enhance our viewing pleasure”. |
| Diane, Wivenhoe (Jan 2008) |
The moron who thought hanging wind chimes outside his home in a built up area of this town was a great idea. Now I’m popping Kalms like there’s no tomorrow all because of his complete disregard for his neighbours sleep and mental health. |
| Sleepless in Halstead, Essex (Jan 2008) |
| People who drive down my road and knock my wing mirrors into oblivion and think its ok to drive off without leaving their details…..4 times this year!!!! so angry |
| Lorraine, Newbury (Jan 2008) |
I will never buy a Halifax ‘product’ whilst they perpetuate making 15-minute stars of their sad bank employees. |
| Gary C, Wisbech (Jan 2008) |
| I died my hair yellow recently and someone keeps shouting ‘lightbulb! you should be hanging from the ceiling’ What if people listen to him? Worrying, especially as some lightbulbs are left abandonned in baskets in the garage. |
| Sam Bennett, Oxfordshire (Jan 2007) |
I read recently that just before his death in 2003, Adam Faith’s last words were, “Channel 5 is all shit, isn’t it? Christ, the crap they put on there. It’s a waste of space”. I reckon that a truer word has never been said. And adults who are critical about Harry Potter, when the whole damn thing is supposed to be for kids. Mind you, I still find it annoying to see adults reading the bloody books. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Jan 2008) |
| People. Just people. Particularly people who do stuff. Anyone who isn’t me is just annoying. I’m not too keen on animals either. |
| James, Scotland (Jan 2008) |
Jordan being named woman of the year by Cosmopolitan magazine. Jodi Marsh must be spinning in her pig sty. |
| Duncan Buckley, Blackburn (Dec 2007) |
First |
| A Commuter, Delayed on a train (Dec 2007) |
| Porn star names are daft arent they? Denzel Washingtongue, Bendy Long, Hung Well? Whats wrong with Tony, Gordon, David? |
| Lawrie, Bracknell, Berks (Dec 2007) |
| People who feel the need to comment on other peoples work. for example; I play guitar, no-one else in my family does, everytime I play something and hit a wrong ofrduff note, they all feel the need to comment… if they can do better, they can bloody well play it! =] |
| Rhi, West Coast of Alba (Dec 2007) |
I’ve decided that I don’t like this smoking ban after all beacuse it’s had the effect of filling the pavements outside various seedy pubs near me with sad crusties blinking in the unaccustomed afternoon light with their fags and copies of the Racing Post. Is this post too topical? (JO says: “I always think the people standing outside the pub are like an advert for what it’s like inside. |
| Steve, Bristol (Dec 2007) |
Intolerant people. |
| Bertie, East London (Dec 2007) |
Rhydian. He’s going to win it. And we’ll all get the idea in our head that sub-operatic voices are somehow a Good Thing. |
| Mark Gamon, Herts (Dec 2007) |
| Pantomimes! Even my kids can’t stand them. We took them last year, and you should have seen the look of glee on their faces when the curtains closed for the interval, they thought it was all over. We hadn’t the heart to tell them there was more, so we all made a sharp exit. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Dec 2007) |
Just to say first and foremost - thanks Jo for a very entertaining site!! |
| AlfieAnnoyed, MCR (dec 2007) |
| Pop ups from websites hawking their product for spyware and porn protection… which don’t pop up until their ad does… someone please, please, please create a program to eliminate their unwanted intrusions by sending them pictures of equine rears. |
| Mary Stewart, Memphis, Tn (Nov 2007) |
Teenage girls wearing ‘Play Boy Bunny’ gear, the majority of them don’t even know what it stands for! (JO says: “I don’t like the parents who dress their children in Play Boy / Play Bunny clothes. |
| Rhi, West Coast of Alba (Nov 2007) |
People putting apostrophes in the wrong place.
(JO says: “My Chemical Wank is a FANTASTIC name for a punk band! Let’s form one!! Who wants to play guitar?”) |
| Rhi , West Coast of Alba (Nov 2007) |
| If Katie thinks town centres are bad, then Katie should try the countryside: go out for a brisk walk and you’ll find the paths are cluttered with misfits positively rambling about, seemingly without a care in the world. |
| Nigel Clark, Chalgrove (Nov 2007) |
| It annoys me how slow people walk in the middle of a town centre - or how they’re going all over the place. No one can walk in a straight line! I want to slap them on the back of the head, just so they’ll get the message! |
| Katie, Manchester (Nov 2007) |
I have no idea what I want to do in life =[ (JO says: “Could be worse. My friend hates his job and he’s a careers advisor.”) |
| Kirsty Louise, South Wales (Nov 2007) |
People who are too quick to brand a person a racist after an ill-considered remark, often made in a state of futile frustration. Jane’s resort to base puerile name calling is likely due to a crisis of confidence reflecting issues of low self-esteem as a consequence of the academic under-achievement to which she was obliged by a childhood rife with deprivation and abuse. The seemingly racist taunt is then nothing more than senseless jabber from a shallow mind. It would be kind to pity her terrible feebleness-of-mind and explain in the softest terms that your Irish ancestry simply has no bearing on your ability to antagonise her evidently well-placed sense of self loathing. Of course with such a low-minded subject, you will probably need to repeat the advice many times in very simple terms and allow Jane’s subconscious to form an association that might override the primitive cognitive functions that compel her to abuse. Ultimately, a simple mantra-like chant could prove effective: “Jo – funny – Irish – irrelevant – Jo – funny – Irish – irrelevant – etc.”. (JO says: “Nigel Clark, Nigel Clark. Where would we be without you?”) |
| Nigel Clark, Chalgrove (Oct 2007) |
| I hate it when the council switch off the gravity for routine maintenance and then forget to switch it back on, fair enough I’m better at football all of a sudden but my ceiling’s covered in cornflakes… |
| Paul , Glasgow (Oct 2007) |
What has happened to TV adverts? |
| Jo Caulfield, London (Oct 2007) |
That I’ve just spent the last 30 minutes reading through the Paul Stanley rants… |
| Chris M, Nottinghamshire (Oct 2007) |
Jo Caulfield - blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah with her snot nosed, smarmy, looking down her bog trotting Oirish nose blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah (JO says: “Dear Jane, |
| Jane, London (Oct 2007) |
| The news is now about what will happen and not what happened. For instance at 7am you will hear “The PM will announce blah blah blah in the house of commons at this afternoon”. |
| Lawrie, Bracknell, Berks (Oct 2077) |
People who moan that they are tired because they chose to go to bed really late after getting totally wasted. |
| Its me Sarah Hill again, University of East Anglia atm (Oct 2007) |
When you’ve been really looking forward to your favourite act coming to your home town, you’ve persuaded five friends that they’ll never laugh as much as they will when they see her, you’ve talked your boss and his wife into coming and you’ve even told your wife that you and she are going to see Jo because she’s so funny and not just the witty piece of eye candy you go on about, Jo cancels ‘cos she’s filming in America! Hope you rearrange the gig Jo. Good luck with the filming. (JO says: “Alan I am so sorry. I had the tour all planned, posters printed, leaflets distributed then… I got offered some TV work I just couldn’t turn down! Rather than drop dates here and there I decided to cancel the whole tour and hopefully rebook it for early next year. Sorry. Sorry.”) |
| Alan, Darlington (Oct 2007) |
I find it really annoying when close elderly relations say, before their birthday, ‘don’t waste your money buying me a present’, and, ‘I told you not to bother!’ when you do. You know very well that if you hadn’t bothered, they would have wallowed in self pity for weeks. Also, why do some old people live in fear of the dreaded ‘estimated’ gas bill, even going as far as declining an offer to be taken for a trip out to the Garden Centre for the afternoon, because ‘the man’s coming to read the meter!’ |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Oct 2007) |
Arsehole neighbors who think grass cuttings and old carpets are good things to burn. |
| Ron, Maidstone (Oct 2007) |
| Dervla Kirwans ‘fudahndreenk’ that you have to spend over £35 pounds on so you’ll get free crap from M&S. Whore. |
| Bernie, Cheltenham (Sept 2007) |
| I’m angry that I used to get bullied and ridiculed at school because of my spelling. The ‘masters’ (an ironic title, surely?) should have known better. And, anyway, it turns out I was just ahead of the times. I remember having it drummed into me that cocoanut had an ‘a’ in the middle. Ermmm… no it doesn’t; not now anyway. So I wasn’t a dunce, I was a trend-setter - or “in the vanguard” as we were encouraged to say, because it implied a greater knowledge of Middle English etymology. Nowadays a vanguard is anyone who works for Group 4. |
| John G, Surrey (sept 2007) |
Slugs and spatial awareness… separately, but they’ve both been bugging me this week. *… ‘comprising is a word that can annoy me too. I find it really irritating when people say ‘comprising of’. It’s either ‘comprised of’ or just ‘comprising’. (JO says: “Remember, if it walks like a SLUG and talks like a SLUG - it’s probably Paul Burrell.”) |
| John G, Surrey (Sept 2007) |
| When supermarkets start filling shelves with christmas/halloween/easter stuff around two months before the actual event occurs. I understand forward planning is necessary but that’s just a joke. |
| Paul, Edinburgh (Sept 2007) |
| Ricky Gervais. Is he really funny or it’s just hype? Is he? The BBC loves him a tad bit too much. He is always on BBC Breakfast promoting this and that. He is there right now, and I have used the power of my remote control. The Hugh Dennis show Outnumbered is sooooo funny but he was never on BBC breakfast. Ricky is not that funny. He is nowhere close to The King -the late Richard Pryor. If I ever see him on BBC breakfast again I’m gonna do the Mike Tyson and bite someone. |
| Lawrie, Bracknell, Berks (Sept 2007) |
Tried to get on to this site today in school, and it was restricted…. Yesterday I was coming out of Ross Noble listening to somebody critersize him. I wish people would understand that in comedy you will always be offending somebody, no matter what…. I hate people who get all angry and annoyed just over a couple of little things… (JO says: “Clever. I see what you did there. Very clever.”) |
| Kirsty Louise, South Wales (Sept 2007) |
| That woman who advertises make up who calls herself Nadine Baaahh-ghott even though her bloody surname is spelt Baggott. |
| Jon, York (Sept 2007) |
Sorry something else just crossed my mind-the fact that The Men They Couldn’t Hang are singularly one of the most fantastic band ever to have come out of Britain and hardly anyone knows about them. Scandalous. |
| Jon, York (Sept 2007) |
The self-satisfied, but totally unaware hippy-type who didn’t know me at all and who was also NOT qualified in any kind of medical discipline, but still felt perfectly justified in giving me unwelcome advice. On learning that my mother was having chemotherapy she patronisingly told me that chemo was “really unnecessary and destructive” and suggested Mum just tried “eating more broccoli instead”. Of all the things that have made me angry in the whole forlorn process of watching someone you love die of an awful disease, this supposedly innocent comment is still one that has the power to make me want to throw things. In my more evil moments I want to find the girl again and say I took her wise counsel and stopped the chemo and would like her expert advice about what we should do next, particularly now Mum has stopped breathing. It would be interesting to see if, in her opinion, broccoli not only has tumour-retarding properties but also has the power to resurrect. |
| Elizabeth, UK (Sept 2007) |
Here’s another annoying memory from the distant past. (JO says: “Paul, you need a hobby. No, seriously, you NEED a hobby.”) |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Sept 2007) |
Mothers who stuff their toddlers mouths with crisps the bus. Usually Monster Munch, usually Pickled Onion, always more annoying than the old lady sitting behind you sucking on a Werthers Original. And the old lady sitting behind you sucking on a Werthers Original. |
| Calças de ganga, Essex (Sept 2007) |
This is my entry on the Zimbabwe debate section of BBC News Have Your Say: This is insane, now I do not pretend to be an expert on politics or world affairs, but consider this: |
| Carl, Merseyside (Sept 2007) |
Internet pop-ups |
| Jay, Sudbury (Sept 2007) |
This isn’t just a now thing, it ALWAYS irritates me… woman that do their makeup in public, usually on the train/tube. Sitting there pulling all sorts of stupid faces, staring at themselves in a small mirror before adding on the tenth layer of mascara, tweezing hairs from their eyebrows and noses (yes, I have seen this!), elbowing whoever is sat next to them. GET UP EARLIER!!! |
| Kerri (Fallen Angel), London, UK (Sept 2007) |
Getting a message like
“Sorry, we were unable to add your entry for the following reasons: (JO says: “Sorry Klax/Rumplestiltskin, I usually update the Angry And Annoyed section everyday but I’ve been out of the country and didn’t have access to a PC. By the way I completely agree with everything you said about the BBC. Apart from that you’re a dick.”) |
| Rumplestiltskin, London (Sept 2007) |
| The fat git in the cube next to me with Tourettes. Picture this, all is quiet as we hack code when all of a sudden “HAAAARRRRRRRROOOOOOOOKKK” at the top of his voice. It’s like he’s clearing a river of phlegm from his trachea. Ugh. Oh, and repeat this every 15 minutes… |
| Ken Campbell, Boston, MA USA (Sept 2007) |
The fact that Radio One, paid for out of the Licence fee has been nothing more than an advertising platform for the products of the music business, the owners of which have become obscenely rich. The fact that the BBC pays Camelot for the privilige of putting on the Lottery programme. Its nothing but an advert for the lottery. Camelot should be paying the BBC (is there a theme developing here?) The BBC being criticised by the Government for not telling the truth. People who go on about the BBC. |
| Klax, London (Sept 2007) |
On holiday recently I saw a young British couple in a bar, giving their 8 year old sibling (who was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with ‘If You Think I’m A Bitch, You Ought To See My Mother’), sips of lager! What’s that all about? It’s as if they are saying, ‘come on, get it down yer neck, you’ve got to get used to it, you’ll be drinking gallons of the stuff when you’re older!’ Don’t people realise it might be possible that kids actually enjoy being treated like children! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Sept 2007) |
This lousy wet summer because a lot of my time has been spent killing these ginormouse bloody slugs. It was suggested I try putting some beer out for them. No such luck so the cosequences being it has made me so depressed at the devastation these bastards have caused with my crop of fruits and vegetables I have taken to drinking the beer myself to try to lift my spirits.The moral being these bastard slugs have got gloriously fat and I am now an alocholic. Oh well best get down to the off licence before it closes tarra X |
| Mary Goretti Murphy Pettitt, Woodhatch Reigate (Sept 2007) |
On my 16th birthday my mother took me aside and told me I was adopted. It was very traumatic – because I found out she was lying. My Grandmother recently died. The first thing we did was sell her house and I got a couple of thousand. I went to a casino last night. I got so drunk I thought the vending machine was a fruit machine. I was there for 2 hours. I won 4 packets of crisps and a twix. |
| Jo Caulfield, London (Sept 2007) |
Dan Brown’s Davinchi Code. I’m on page 47 since summer 2005… …and saying “true fact” these two words mean exactly the same. |
| Lawrie again, Bracknell, Berks (sept 2007) |
I’ve started, so I can’t stop… |
| John G, Surrey (Sept 2007) |
Everyone who says PIN Number. |
| Lawrie, Bracknell, Berks (Sept 2007) |
| And LCD display… Liquid Crystal Display display. |
| John G, Surrey (Sept 2007) |
| And haricot beans… ‘haricot’ is French for bean, so haricot beans are bean beans. |
| John G, Surrey (Sept 2007) |
PARENTS!! I mean come on, I swear that parents are just there to annoy the living daylights out of anyone!! I’m 18 and just about to move off for university, and i’m leaving my home, and family behind….YES!!! No more annoying and embarasing times for now! I know some of you will be saying ‘He’ll be back home in a Fourghtnight to do his laundry and get dinner’, But when i have a 4 hour train ride home, I think that’s quite unlikely. Imagine me sat on a train, Laundry piled high in the seat next to me, skipping lectures so i can get a home made meal and be lazy! I don’t think so! and I hate these people that say that education’s getting easyer, I worked my Butt off to get what?! a D and 2 fails and they say they’re getting easyer?! I’d like to see them have a go! People can get so cocky sometimes….End of rant, carry on with your Buisness (JO says: “Embarasing and Fourghtnight - concrete proof that education is not getting EASYER.”) |
| Michael Wilkinson, Hull, but not for much longer (Sept 2007) |
Totally agree with Kerri and religious nutters. I remember when I was a kid, a knock at the front door and following my dad down the hallway to answer it. It was a crowd of Jehovah’s Witnesses who said, ‘We’ve come in search of the Lord’. To which my atheist father (my mother was an Irish Catholic, confused childhood or what?) replied, before slamming the door, ‘I’m sorry, he’s not in!’ |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Sept 2007) |
The whole 10 year anniversary thing about the death of Lady Di…do we REALLY need to see the funeral again?? |
| Steve Murdoch, Edinburgh (Sept 2007) |
People who don’t keep their websites up to date. (JO says: “I’ve just got back from the Edinburgh Festival. I’ll have my diary up to date by Friday.”) |
| Andy, London (Sept 2007) |
Embarrassing farce |
| Nigel Clark, Chalgrove (Aug 2007) |
I recently turned 60, and I hate it! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Aug 2007) |
Religious nutters! |
| Kerri (Fallen Angel), London (Aug 2007) |
| Healthcare. I have Multiple Sclerosis and recently got married. I was on County health insurance (welfare) and it pretty much covered everything. But now that I’m married I’m about to get cut from insurance. My injections are $3000 a month and most healthcare plans consider MS a pre-existing condition and either wont take me at all or make me pay about $5000 deductable and I still have to pay 50%of the bill even after my deductable is met. SO what job can I work making $3000 a month, even 1500 a month around here is a joke. Even if I could afford what healthcare is available most of my injections arent even covered so theres really no point at even trying. So technically…well do I even have to say it. |
| Shannon, Cleveland (Aug 2007) |
BBC reporters (yes even the BBC is guilty) of asking people stupid, loaded, on sided questions e.g. re the recent floods - Interviewer’s typical question to person who has just had house flooded “So tell me - you must be really upaset about this - how do you feel?” “Great thatnks - I’ve just lost all my posessions - how do you think I feel?!!” |
| Alison Garratt, Isle of Arran (Aug 2007) |
I know I’ve moaned about repetitive TV before, but how come whenever someone gets a successful idea for a TV prog, they just keep repeating it to the point of overkill? Celebrity chefs, wife swaps, house makeovers, relocations, filthy houses, tracing family trees and talent shows which try to make superstars out of someone who can just about carry a tune. Now every time you turn on the TV, it’s some bugger walking or climbing in the bloody Lake District! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Aug 2007) |
1) complete DOBBERS who turn up last to a busy Fringe Show where there are OBVIOUSLY very few seats left and ask the usher “Have you got anything more central?” … get there early and queue like the rest of us if you want a good view of the marvellous people! 2)having got to the venue early to queue in a hot, cramped, faint inducing environment and hence earn (YES EARN) the right to choose one’s seat … ushers who have trained with the Hitler Youth and are intent on herding you into the crappiest seat in the venue so as not to leave any gaps … This is a rallying call to all Festival Goers … sit where you want, you are not a charity, you have PAID for your seat. (JO says: “I totally agree with this. If you come to my show you can do what you want and sit where you want. Why not join me on the stage? Hey, you’ve paid the money - come on, do it!”) |
| Patsy and Eddy, Edinburgh (Aug 2007) |
Loved you on Just a Minute tonight- no YOU rock! The staff at Primark irritate me. Especially in the Oxford Street Branch. I thought it was going to be the cheap bargains of Primark with the added class of a shop in central London- I could not have been more wrong. I was asked to put my clothes back on the rail because the fitting room attendant was going on a break. The place is a tip and then you put your own clothes back? are you kidding? and they get paid for that. sweet FA. Naturally I got an application form at the till. |
| Its me Sarah Hill again, Harrow, London (Aug 2007) |
Men with umbrellas when its raining. Why? I can undersatnd women with umbrellas when it rains because they’ve spent a lot of time, money and effort getting it to look good and if it gets wet we(the men) have to hear them moan about it for hours!! But men? First off we don’t have that much hair, and even if we do it’s usually short and manageable so it doesnt matter if it gets wet because we havent spent THAT long getting ready! And they dont even use proper umbrellas! They use those friggin huge golfing umbrellas!! WHY? It’s only water!! There’s only two people afraid of water: The Wicked Witch Of the West and Natallie Wood. (JO says: “The Natallie Wood joke was excellent! Didn’t see it coming then BANG! Loved it.”) |
| Steve Murdoch, Edinburgh (Aug 2007) |
To me, Formula One Racing is so incredibly boring. Round and round and round and round, ’oh look at me, I can drive really, really fast!’ Also, being a bit of a tight arse who thinks buying a bottle of Asti Spumante is pushing the boat out; I can’t stand it when they stand on the podium, spraying top quality champagne all over the place. Bloody waste! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Aug 2007) |
Ageism in the music business. |
| Anonymous, Edinburgh (Aug 2007) |
“Please Jo, just tell me, is there anything a decent person can do to make the bank trip more comfortable? - Michael, Sheffield ” Dear Michael, (JO says: “That’s good. Sort it out between yourselves.”) |
| John G, Surrey (Aug 2007) |
Those bloody picture loans adverts. ‘Dads found your scooter’ makes me cringe everytime. Oh, and Richard Madeley, do think he might actually let one of his guests speak for themselves for once? ! And Dan Brown for writing the Da Vinci Code ….. |
| Ruth, Edinburgh (Aug 2007) |
Julian Clary and his big packet advert (for Direct Flooring) - Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr |
| Jane Edgeler, West Lothian (Aug 2007) |
What is the world coming to? I’m flabbergasted that the word ‘bollocks’ was said, not once but several times, on Radio 4’s Just A Minute today. Surely they shouldn’t get away with this? It’s repetition, isn’t it? (JO says: “I’m on Just A Minute next week.”) |
| John G, Surrey (Aug 2007) |
| Just over a week into the school summer holidays, and the ‘Back to School’ ads are up in Tesco. I bet that cheers the kids up! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Aug 2007) |
Look, this is a bit obvious but forgive me. Today is “pay bills in lunch hour” day, first the burtons store card (how middle class) then the bank credit card. Upon arrival into the lovely hsbc (always kept above 30 degrees c for customers discomfort), i see a total of two people serving and only one person in the queue. hurrah! i think…. ..however… …in just the one minute it takes to write out the credit card payment slip and count out 30 pounds in ten pound notes, the worlds entire population of change collectors, single mothers and the elderly emerge in the queue which now seemingly has no end. And surprise surprise, one cashier has buggered off, possibly to munch on a steak bake and talk to her idiot boyfriend about her mate soraya who called her a slag. bovvered. Twenty minutes later, I’m still in the queue waiting to die. Please Jo, just tell me, is there anything a decent person can do to make the bank trip more comfortable? |
| Michael, Sheffield (Aug 2007) |
| I’m vegan and I just found out today that the tablets I’m taking have gelatin and lactose in them =[ |
| Kirsty Bannister, South Wales (July 2007) |
ITV + Drama = Crap (Doubly so, if Robson Green is in it!) |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (July 2007) |
Bland noise pollution: Piped music with DJ "chat" whilst I'm queuing (yet again) at my local HSBC branch. How much Phil Collins can a person take? |
| Chris Parker, Hastings (July 2007) |
This annoying memory from my distant past is 40 years old, but it makes me just as angry today as it did then. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (July 2007) |
When my colleagues use the phrase "short like Gareth". |
| Gareth, Manchester (July 2007) |
Piers Morgan - Discuss..... (JO says: "No discussion needed. He's a prick!") |
| Kirsty, South Wales (July 2007) |
(JO says: "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Paul 'Mr Angry 2006' Stanley! And he's determined to keep his crown...") I have nothing against charity collectors, but I can’t stand it when they approach you, or rattle a tin in your face. I also hate it when you are in a hurry, and bump into someone you know in the Supermarket. I have a set procedure to deal with this situation: And I’ve just bought my lad one of those portable DVD players; the problem is the battery life is 2 hours, so when he watches Lord of the Rings, it has to be with a 5 hour interval! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (July 2007) |
Dear Jo, (JO says: "Take it like the idiot you obviously are. |
| Simony, Derby (July 2007) |
When I go to McDonalds and ask for a Black Coffee, the person at the counter always asks if I want milk and sugar with it. Am I missing something or have McDonalds developed a special milk that doesn't turn coffee white when you add it to it. (JO says: "Totally agree but I can’t believe your buying coffee from a big evil corporation like McDonalds when you should be supporting your local Starbucks.") |
| David Birtwhistle, Blackburn (June 2007) |
What is it with the price of diet coke in pubs? It's water pumped full of CO2 and assorted poisons. It doesn't attract excise duty but it invariably costs more than beer. All I can hope is that Chemical Ali takes the formula with him. |
| John G, Surrey (June 2007) |
Dear Jo, (JO says: "Hi John, good to hear from you. You are not a stalker but then again I am not a celebrity. I'm a comedian-by-day and crime-fighter-by-night. £5? I'm going a bit cheap. All the best, Jo.") |
| John G, Surrey (June 2007) |
Ungrateful women. It was the girlfriend's birthday last week. She loves reading, Pilates and shopping for clothes. |
| Chris, Warrington (June 2007) |
| When I take my baby daughter out in public and complete strangers come up to her and poke her nose or tickle her face or chin etc. How would they like it if I poked them in the face? Probably have me up for assault - they really REALLY piss me off especially if they have nice grubby or fag stained hands - nice!!! |
| Rachel, Suffolk (June 2007) |
What the hell is the point of double sink vanity units in bathrooms? |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (June 2007) |
Jo Caulfield is fantastic! (JO says: "Hi Dean, thanks for that. Why not send me your email or phone number? I'll give you a ring and we can discuss it. Or come backstage and introduce yourself?") |
| Dean, Hounslow (June 2007) |
GCSES! I have my last one tomorrow... but they are sooo horrible... Our whole future is decided on one test... |
| Kirsty , South Wales (June 2007) |
| I'm angry and annoyed that I keep typing something I want to add here but it keeps failing and reporting a system error. |
| John G, Surrey (June 2007) |
Now I'm even more angry and annoyed cos that one worked. What I was trying to say is: I'm amused, but I can imagine a certain high court judge might be annoyed and angrily wondering how come Stuart invented "unzip and illuminate" underpants on your show tonight on the very same day the judge had to show his Calvin Kleins in court to somehow prove he didn't expose himself on a train. (JO says: "Well done John. And Stuart is happy to know there's at least one person in Britain paying any attention to him,") |
| John G, Surrey (June 2007) |
After frequenting our new Tesco for a couple of months, I had my shopping trip down to a fine art. Being a typical ‘bloke’ shopper, I know exactly what I want, and where it is, and could be in and out of the place in 20 minutes flat. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (June 2007) |
Thought your radio show was brilliant on Tuesday. |
| Dean, Hounslow (June 2007) |
I went to a hypnotherapist to help me stop smoking. He put me in a trance where I felt numb, insensitive and unfeeling. When I woke up I still smoked and I had an overwhelming desire to work for the Post Office. |
| Les Thompson, Belfast (June 2007) |
Jo Caulfield |
| Al, London (June 2007) |
Everything coming out in “Limited Editions”. We bought a new microwave last Saturday and I asked him to read the instruction manual. He read it. He enjoyed it. He leant it to a friend. His friend enjoyed it. Now they’re trying to raise the money to turn the manual into a film. He’s a complete idiot. (JO says: "I agree, your husband is a complete idiot. |
| Tina Baxter, Chesham (June 2007) |
People that hate people they don't know. Someone like Angry George. (JO says: "See that, that's clever. Cause you don't know Angry George, so you're doing to him what you've accussed him of doing to Keith Allen. That's good.I like that. |
| Dean, Hounslow (June 2007) |
I've just read Tony Parsons new book. |
| Frenchy Boy, London (May 2007) |
Why is it that you can buy a £2.99 kids toy that requires scissors, pliers and a screwdriver to open, but they still sell light bulbs in a thin cardboard box, exactly the same as did in the 1950s, that can easily break in your shopping bag. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (May 2007) |
Right now I was promised an ipod. I don't have that ipod. I'M FUCKING ANNOYED (JO says: "Explaine?") |
| Aiden, Folkestone/England (may 2007) |
Jeremy Vine / Jeremy Kyle – anybody called Jeremy. (Pauline) |
| Audience Members, Windsor Arts Centre (May 2007) |
Just two days until I meet my boyfriend for the very first time in Canada, I pull my neck muscle and now I can't move my head because the pain is so intense (JO says: "Bauhaus, the Sisters of Mercy, The Mission, Dead Can Dance and Fields of The Nephilim were sitting in a graveyard at midnight. This joke is for Kirsty and no-one else. Love Jo x") |
| Kirsty , South Wales (May 2007) |
Getting my dates mixed up and missing you radio show! Also the fact that it is not on the "listen again" section of BBC radio webpage. (JO says: "No, you're still two weeks early. My radio show starts Tuesday 5th June. |
| Madeleine, Northampton (May 2007) |
| And I'll bet if he had taken that photo of Little Richard, I'll bet when he got it developed, I'll bet that wanker Keith Allen will have been in it, arm round Little Richard's shoulder, grinning away, and leaving his young wife and kid. |
| Angry George, London SE1 (May 2007) |
Back in 2005 I went to see Little Richard at the Civic Hall in Wolverhampton. Halfway through the show I left my seat and went down to edge of the stage to try and get a photo. When I got his face in the viewfinder, I noticed he was shaking his head from side to side with a ‘don’t you dare’ expression’, sheepishly, I lowered my camera. (JO says: "What an embarrassment. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (May 2007) |
Did I make it clear I think Keith Allen is a complete wanker? (JO says: "I did have to read between the lines but yes, I got the basic idea.") |
| Angry George, London SE1 (May 2007) |
Keith Allen. |
| Angry George, London SE1 (May 2007) |
"16yr old daughters who don't take their fucking contraception (Mike)" Following on from this ... daughters who subsequently get arrested on a Saturday night and trash your entire Sunday getting them out of the Nick ... grrrr Adoption anyone? |
| Mike, High Wycombe (May 2007) |
People who ask me why I don't eat meat and then when I start to explain why they get a bit nauseous and tell me to shut up. (JO says: "No, I don't belive this. This is one of those stupid Urban Myths. |
| Jonathan, York (May 2007) |
FRANK LAMPARD. I hate the way he unbalances the England side. I hate the way he kisses his ring finger when he scores. I hate the big "I'm Frank Lampard" attitude when people critiscise him. I hate the fact he NEVER tracks back and tackles, leaving the dirty work for an Essien, Makalelele or Hargreaves. But I do like that fact he has a face you really would never tire of punching. |
| Chris Rose, Oxford (May 2007) |
I know you can watch something that is ‘so bad’, it is actually extremely funny, but surely that absolutely massive audience at the Eurovision Song Contest, who somehow manage to maintain a totally uninterrupted, manic, genuine enthusiasm for over 3 hours have got to be aliens! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (May 2007) |
Jo Caulfield not coming to Cardiff! (JO says: "I'm happy to play anywhere. Contact your local comedy club and have them email me. Until then, the new Radio 4 comedy series starts Tuesday 29th May.") |
| Kirsty Bannister, South Wales (May 2007) |
I can’t believe Bernard Matthews is using Spiderman to endorse his meat products. (JO says: "Not interested in Spiderman. Or Superman. Or any of that superhero/Sci Fi rubbish. The new Radio 4 comedy series starts Tuesday 29th May.") |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (May 2007) |
Are you Elton John? Are you Bono? Are you Madonna, Michael Jackson or Angelina Jolie? If you can answer 'yeah I am' to one or more of the above questions I am the man for you. I will break into your homes one fine, warm night whilst you sleep and kidnap you at gun point. |
| Paul Browne, Muswell Hill (May 2007) |
University costs and the loans we are expected to take out... I am 21 now and only in my first year at Uni. I have worked myself to the bone (60+ hour weeks anyone?) for several years including going through college after moving to the UK and not getting to finish High School in the USA. After 2 years of mind numbing lecturers and seemingly retarded fellow students, I was finally in a position to apply to the University of Herts for a degree in Motorsport engineering in 2005. I applied for loans and was told that all was well because I am a british citizen and my family hasn't two pennies to rub together. The summer of '05 went by and I worked harder than ever before. I was ready to start my serious education. In the first week of september I gave my notice to my employers at the local village auto garage and began packing my belongings; but something very important hadn't arrived. I was less than two weeks away from moving into overpriced Uni accomodation and still hadn't recieved any written confirmation of my loans and bursaries, despite having to jump through a myriad hoops to get registered and submit the correct and required information to the government-run loans company! So I made a call only to be told by the surly scottish woman that I was, in fact, not eligible for a student loan until the next year (when I would have been resident in the country for 3 years)!! I considered my options; defer my place for another year, or take out a personal loan for my first year's costs... After consulting the loans company, I was then informed that if i did the latter, I would not EVER be eligible for a proper student loan through them for the duration of my 5-year course!!! It was clear I had to wait another year. As if the tuition rates were not hefty enough for a young man like myself with no money in my family, I was told that I would have to pay the next year's new tuition rates (£3000 compared to the previous £1175 per year), simply because I had to defer my place after the last day of August due to the loans company's poor communications!!! To add several more swifts kicks to my testes, It is clear that the course has not changed in the least since the previous year, and even after paying more than double the previous rates, I still had to buy all my own books, paper, and even cd's and folders for submitting work!! This year is now nearly over and I wonder how many people on my course have dropped out, or worse, are putting in just enough effort to get by with passes, who have been granted the same loans and bursaries several YEARS before i got to start! And I paid 22% basic rate income tax for years of work here so they could freeload? Not to mention all the sociology, media studies and english students who spend my hard earned money drinking at the Uni bar and will finish with useless degrees that weaken the value of my degree in the workforce, and who will eventually end up living on the dole (that I will be paying taxes for) anyway!!! Maybe if all these so-called students went out and worked since they were 14 like myself, there would be some respect for people honestly trying to find a way from rags to a comfortable life through education and self-improvement? And ignorant snobs here have the nerve to call me a lazy, money-draining student? |
| Alden Markby, Hatfield, North London (May 2007) |
Truckers. Bastard Truckers. |
| Jonathan, York (May 2007) |
I don’t have a problem with people in the entertainment industry earning loads of money. But how come Noel Edmonds, who earns 1.3 million for Deal or No Deal, has the audacity to tell contestants that 35,000 quid is a ‘life changing’ amount of money! Also, he has a book out called ‘Positively Happy’, which his publisher describes as: "It's a powerful and engaging self help book that will show readers how they, like Noel, can achieve happiness". Surely, being a multi-millionaire gives him a bit of head’s start; if I had his kind of money my book would be called ‘Absolutely Deliriously Happy!’ |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Apr 2007) |
I have to disagree with Helen, with regard to Russell Brand. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Apr 2007) |
Having to be in a quiet carriage when I didn't want to be. |
| Steve Jones, London (Apr 2007) |
I am a very sad person. |
| The Unforgiven, Close To Home (Apr 2007) |
The way Americans just cannot get their heads around ‘irony’. On a visit a few years ago, I was in a ‘thrift store’, and when I got to the checkout I noticed a sign saying ‘10% Discount for over 55s’. As I was 54, I thought I would try it on, and told the girl I was 55, to which she replied ‘It’s ok. I’ve already deducted it’. So I wryly said ‘thanks a lot, you’ve made my day!’ All I got was a blank look, so I made an embarrassed exit, leaving a totally bemused assistant in my wake. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
I hate it when I get a party invite and the dress code is smart/casual. But the most annoying thing in my life at the moment is charging up electrical appliances. COMING SOON: |
| Jo Caulfield, London (Apr 2007) |
Russell Brand. |
| Helen Purves, London (Apr 2007) |
| I am on night duty. How can I go 10 hrs without a ciggie? |
| Elaine , Immingham NE Lincs (Apr 2007) |
When websites say 'Coming Soon' for months and months. When are your long awaited CD & DVD coming out?! The last Radio 4 series was superb and I need another dose of JC soon! (JO says: "The DVD will be available on Monday 28th May. |
| Carl, Morecambe (Apr 2007) |
The thing that has most recently angered and annoyed me is the ridiculous number of cyclists who use their mobile phones while cycling. They really do think they are above the law on everything! What next, cycling murderers who get away with nothing more than the disapproving glares from passers by?! (JO says: "I know what you mean. I was driving down Wood Green High St and I saw the guy in the car in front of me was using his mobile phone – so arrogant, I hate that. So I started beeping my horn. I followed him for atleast 10 minutes, continually beeping my horn. Finally he heard me and turned round – and he wasn't on the phone. He just had really big ears. That was a complete waste of 10 minutes.") |
| Carl, Morecambe (Apr 2007) |
The way that all Radio 2 morning presenters speak in that ridiculous Harry Secombe/Brian Blessed/general Goon Show derivative theatrical intonation in a failed attempt to make everything they utter seem humorous or entertaining. They get progressively worse until Ken Bruce, who is so stupifyingly bland and unfunny it actually hurts. His undoubtedly hefty share of licence payers hard earned cash only encourages him and perpetuates his obvious delusion. (JO says: " 'Ranttastic!' You lost it all there. That's the kind of thing Radio 2 morning presenters say in a ridiculous Harry Secombe/Brian Blessed/general Goon Show derivative theatrical intonation.") |
| Carl, Morecambe (Apr 2007) |
Easter eggs. |
| Nigel Clark, Chalgrove (Apr 2007) |
I don’t like Bono from U2. COMING SOON: |
| Jo Caulfield, London (Apr 2007) |
I used to think there was nothing more annoying than TV ads that try to sell you loans. But there is. TV ads for loans that, instead of using actors, actually use their own staff, who are dull, unattractive people, with droning monotone voices, trying to talk you into getting even deeper in debt. I would rather be conned by an actor anyday. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Apr 2007) |
The way Uncle Rebus makes me sit in the garden, naked except for a monkey mask, in order to scare the postman. Or does he? Or does he?? (JO says: "I think you're getting off lightly there. If I were your Uncle Rebus you'd also be bruised and bleeding.") |
| Spuddha, Wokingham, Berkshire (Apr 2007) |
| People using their mobile phones in the quiet carriage of the train, when the signs at the entrance to the carriage clearly state that this is prohibited. |
| John, Bury (Apr 2007) |
Talk about ‘you’re so vain’! (JO says: "See what he did there? Paul started off with 'You're so vain' then went on to talk about Carly Simon. That's class, that is. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Apr 2007) |
This is directed at Dave Morris, a bloke I work with who seems to think it is funny to go the canteen at lunchtime, stuff his face with liver and onions, come back to work and then burp repeatedly, thus filling the work enviroment with the wonderful odour of half-digested offal. |
| Jonathan, York (Mar 2007) |
SOFTWARE THAT IS NEVER R&D'D FULLY AND THEN RE-ISSUED UMPTEEN TIMES AS VERSION 6.1.1.2.1 ILL THOUGHT OUT CRAP WEBSITES DESIGNED BY IDIOTS BANKS ALLMOST EVERY COMMUNICATIONS COMPANY IN THE WORLD WHO SHOULD BE IN ANY BUSINESS EXCEPT THAT OF COMMUNICATION REALITY TV SHOWS LETTERS SIGNED FROM SENIOR PERSONNEL WHO WHEN YOU TRY TO TALK TO THEM ON THE PHONE ARE "NON CUSTOMER FACING" WELL THEN DONT F***ING WRITE TO ME A***HOLES !!!!! |
| David, Newmarket (Mar 2007) |
When you see an ad from your 'TV/Phone/Broadband' supplier, offering the same services that you have, for nearly half the price, and written in small print is, 'does not apply to existing customers'! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Mar 2007) |
I get annoyed at the way people I know always say "Oh isn't he the one with the awful teeth?" when they pick up and investigate my Shane Macgowan CD's. "Yes" they say, "He really is very ugly isn't he ?" Bastards.He may not be a looker but he is a genius and I was always told to never judge anyone by their appearance. (JO says: "Shane Macgowan, Joe Strummer, David Bowie. Three sets of bad teeth, two great songwriters. Discuss.") |
| Jonathan, York (Mar 2007) |
| Having to visit my elderly mother in her care home. She can no longer see and no longer move without help. I'm angry at having to feel pity because she was a neglectful mother who lost custody of us because of this. I'm angry that she refused to meet my half sister, who I discovered only ten years ago at the age of sixty, that she also gave up another child, and that she has shown no interest in my own children. And yet I appear to have no choice but to be the only visitor she has. I'm angry today because I should go and yet I don't want to. Every cell in my body screams, keep away, she's toxic. |
| Maggie, United Kingdom (Mar 2007) |
The incorrect use of the word literally- in sports commentary for example "he literally decapitated him" (when he obviously didn't). Infinity- or more specifically when people talk about it - If an infinite amount number of chimpanzees had an infinite amount of typewriters, eventually one would write the complete works of Shakespeare. Prove it. What a tenuous example- i think an infinite amount of moths, chewing an infinite amount of clothes into an infinite amount of letters to make the complete works of shakespeare conveys a more realistic sense of infinity...maybe. Other things... Gillian McKeith and Claire Sweeney - please stop poisoning my eyes. |
| Jonny P, Leeds (Mar 2007) |
The over use and incorrect use of the word "obviously". |
| Susie, Suffolk (Mar 2007) |
A quote from an actor, in a recent Radio Times interview, who has reached the dizzy heights of joining Eastenders. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Mar 2007) |
We have bendy buses, not hover cars. The future of travel was supposed to be a personal hover car, with a bubble roof, not an overextended, junction-blocking, incendiary charabanc. |
| Giles, London |
Your friends NT... who are now under trading in Oxfordshire as Virgin Media. With out consultation Virgin took over, put up the prices and has failed to secure a deal with Sky who provide most of his channels. see link for more details. www.virginmedia.com/fairplay |
| Skypilot , Oxfordshire (Feb 2007) |
I hate “Take Five” by Dave Brubeck. |
| Neil, Royal Tunbridge Wells (Feb 2007) |
The English Parlour Game known as 'Tommy's Out !' |
| Sven, Sveden (Feb 2007) |
I hate that you’re not allowed to take photos in the Customs area at the airport. |
| Paul, Ealing (Feb 2007) |
| Saw you on TV. Thought you were fantastic. I wish I was a comedian. |
| Edwina, Driffield (Feb 2007) |
I have a close, elderly relative, who defiantly refuses to pay her bills by direct debit, and will not send a cheque in the post, because she doesn’t see why she should have to pay for a stamp. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Feb 2007) |
People who sit on talent show panels and think they know anything about comedy e.g Piers Morgan, Amanda Holden and Simon Cowel (Britains got talent). You work hard to get your career established and these people can destroy you in seconds, my advice to comics stay away from this show. (JO says: "My advice to comics, stay away from Amanda Holden.") |
| Briny, Suffolk (Feb 2007) |
People who think bacardi breezer for breakfast is wrong. People who think there's something wrong with having White Diamond for breakfast. |
| Duncan, Ballygrot (Feb 2007) |
| My electronic tag setting off airport security screens. |
| Nils, Land of Nod (Feb 2007) |
Airlines wanting to charge for "overweight" luggage - argghhh! Didn't they see the person who checked in just before me who weighed a zillion kilos? And no, I'm not a size Zero - no where near it. Complain? Dangerous - the check-in desk might just put me in the seat next to them! Good training for developing minimal packing habits I suppose .... |
| Nushi Stach, Brighton (Feb 2007) |
Tramp Stamps-those lovingly placed tattoos that appear on the small of the back of a lovely classy lady (or indeed on her front boulders).Why are they there? To provide the lucky chap who is scuttling her from the rear with something to look at. (JO says: "Tramp Stamps!!!! |
| Sven, Sveden (Feb 2007) |
That droning single-note synth sound that gets used to fill the silence while we're waiting to find out who's been evicted/cast out/set on fire/undeservedly turned into a millionaire by phone vote on just about every TV programme between 5 and 10 every evening until the end of our lives, yes John Carpenter used it in all his film soundtracks and we all got tense, but that's because we knew some loony with an axe was about to jump out of the fridge, now it's just used to stretch the programme out til ad time. The Klaxons, no need.... Made-up words - "Couragousness", er..."Courage", surely, Mr Bush? Fabric conditioner that, when you accidentally use a little bit too much on your bedsheets, causes you to wake up in the middle of the night, itching all over with your throat closing up and making you think you're about to die, then in the morning you realise you'd only dreamed that bit, but it's still annoying. People who tell me my sentences should have more punctuation in them, and that they're generally too long anyway and could easily be condensed into ones half the size, why? I'm constantly adding commas to represent pauses now where I wouldn't normally if I was speaking the words, try not holding your breath while you read them you muppets... |
| Paul, Glasgow (Feb 2007) |
Robbie Williams (JO says: "The last gig I went to, I was so far away from the stage I could hardly hit the drummer with my beer can. |
| Chris Picken, Worcester (Feb 2007) |
When your child brings a letter home from school saying, "Because of your son's effort, and good work this term, he is invited, as a school treat, to go to the Megabowl. Please send payment of 15 pounds". If it's their treat, why doesn't the bloody school pay! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Feb 2007) |
| People sitting a bit too close to me as I write this in the library who havn't washed or use Sweeps dog bone flavoured soap while talking to themselves and rocking on the seat. |
| Chloe , North Yorkshire (Feb 2007) |
I don't like Bob Geldof. He makes giving to charity seem like a bad thing. And anyway, his own wife killed herself rather than live with him so he can't be all that nice. (JO says: "What??!!") |
| George the Lad, Ireland (Feb 2007) |
| Why is Crufts only on once a year? |
| Daisy, Cambridge (Feb 2007) |
1. Paul Stanley is quite right to object to the use of swear words, particularly when used as a form of punctuation mark. I was particularly annoyed by Hue Grant on Top Gear who seemed to think that frequent use of the F' word made him appear "Cool" or something... actually he appeared to be a pompous prig. 2. Jo, NTL have gone undercover in my region and now claim to be Virgin Media... but I am sure you won’t be fooled by such an obvious deception. 3. The American with the fake cigar and hairpiece on the new "Variety show" hosted by Graham Norton, otherwise its a reasonable mix of Opportunity Knocks and New Faces. (JO says: "You do realise you're only encouraging Paul Stanley, don't you? My inbox will be full by the end of the week - all from Mr Angry of Stafford!") |
| Skypilot, Oxfordshire (Feb 2007) |
To me, one of the most annoying things about the current Celebrity Big Brother, is Danielle Lloyd’s overuse of the f-word, particularly the way she says it in that awful, awful, thick, sludgy scouse accent! Kevin from London is absolutely spot on with his, people who, ‘take pride in ignorance’, observation. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Jan 2007) |
I’m angry at myself for not having the balls to shout these things out of a megaphone at my local tescos while wearing a sandwich board (it would be my body armour). Where I live just makes me too angry. It takes a lot to purge yourself of their stinking attitudes and bullshit after so many years of living side by side with these arseholes, who make you feel unwelcome in your own hometown. In your own skin. Nuff said. They’re like Ali G but with no soul. I also have a deep hatred for people who stick up for those people from the safety of Hampstead, and they're so smug and happy about themselves. Come live here for a week, feel free. That came from a very deep place, please forgive me. |
| The Sweary One, East London (Jan 2007) |
Also, people who bring Tony Blair into the conversation, when it's just not relevant to the logical down-to-earth human chat you were just having. I mean the guy's not even real. It’s very unlikely it’s his fault first and foremost for any of you’re random complaints, stop watching the news, it’s all lies, lies, and Natasha bloody Kaplinsky, so fix my bloody boiler, like my rent obliges you to do, and no there aren’t any more biscuits. Not for you. Ever. And lastly, most importantly, most grating of all, the expression on my mothers face when she watches TV, particularly when it's someones life story (ie sob story) and her neck goes in closer and she nods,(quite often these are Hollywood winos with nothing in common with her, whatsoever) and she shushes us angrily and pokes the remote control lots and it's way too loud and it hurts, and yet we have to whisper to eachother (me and my sister) and then the adverts start and she has another panic attack and she's jabbing at the remote control turning it down, getting really angry at the TV, muttering stuff about her head. Maybe some of these would be more accurately put under the category of deep seated hatred, so sorry but that's how it is for today, goodbye and thankyou for the free therapy; that Nhs waiting list is very sluggish, and my valium just got robbed off me, |
| Nadie (the Sweary One), East London (Jan 2007) |
Jade Goody - The Notorious P.I.G. |
| Roy, Scotland (Jan 2007) |
I hate “Amazon.co.uk”. Why – every time I shop at Amazon – does Robbie Williams’ new CD pop-up as “Recommended For You”? |
| Matt Ross, London (Jan 2007) |
Ntl!!!!!!!! |
| Jo Caulfield, Here (Jan 2007) |
Airline ads for cheap flights, which have, in the tiniest print, ‘one way only’. They would only be a bargain if you intended never to return! Also, hospital patients that, when visitors’ arrive, go into, ‘I’m wallowing in self pity’ mode, only to return to their ‘jolly old self’, as soon as they have gone! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford (Jan 2007) |
1) Councils who are taken by surprise when it rains. 2) The Today programme |
| Skypilot , Oxfordshire (Jan 2007) |
The slow death of skilled copywriting. |
| Gerry, London |
People who: Then there's: More to follow, I'm sure... |
| Kevin, London, England |
1) Gloria Hunniford and her awful show, ‘Gloria’s Greats’, where she chats to her celebrity friends. 2)People in supermarkets with about 20 things in their basket at a 10 item only checkout. (Mind you, I don’t know how this would work if all the items were buy one get one free!) 3)People who won’t visit old family members who are very ill; saying they would rather remember them as they were. (JO says: "Happy New Year Paul - You are officially 'Mr. Angry 2006'. Look behind the sofa and you'll find your prize".) |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
This list should really be called "Why I should Get Out More" Katie Melllula's voice - why does it suddenly drop like a drunken pub singer's for no apparent reason? Is she on the sauce or does she just lose the will to live every few lines? "R 'n' B", which has, over the past couple of decades, become a euphemism for crap. The vidoes are always the same - ie some bloke with vest, sunglasses and bling leaning into the camera shouting and doing that weird thing with his fingers, as if he's unable to bend them. Chris Moyles for being proud to be homophobic. (why does the public have to pay to make this idiot rich?) Come back political correctness, nearly all is forgiven. Jimmy Carr for being a nasty, snide little f*** Ricky Jervais's laugh - it sounds really false and desperate, like he's sucking up to his boss. J.K. (Jamiroqai) - looks sleazy, sounds sleazy. |
| Lucy, Manchester |
What annoys me is websites like this that invite you to add comments so you spend ages doing so then it won't post for no reason whatsoever - and YES i DID enter the correct security code and NO it wouldn't post (JO says: "Sorry about that. It usually takes me a couple of hours to update the site but what with it being Christmas I'm a couple of days behind. Your 'angry post' is below".) |
| T101, Glasgow, Scotland |
I'll tell you what really gets on my nerves - the "save the planet" brigade - they go on about anti-nuclear energy whislt there entire house/office/streets are lit up by the electricity generated by nuclear power stations - they happily pump cr@p from their cars, they use paint in their homes the manufacture of which pumps out very nasty stuff, they use disposable nappies that are filling are landfill sites, they spray their homes with every chemical availabel to man BUT they take their emptie to the bottle bank so that's ok then isn't it. |
| T101, Glasgow, Scotland |
When I go to visit my elderly mother in hospital, and, on the way out, ask one of the nurses how my mum is, and they reply, ‘are you a relation?’ I feel like saying, ‘no, I’ve never seen her before in my bloody life!’ |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
Being Depressed 24/7. |
| Stephen, Knutsford |
Charity muggers. Not necessariy aggressive individual tin-rattlers; on the odd charitable occassion, for the right cause, I have been known to brave the embarassment and feed their tins myself, instead of giving my pocket-full of change to the boys to present. I've even done my fair share of dressing up in daft costumes and provoking abuse in the name of charity. What really annoys me is packs of charity zealots congregating and forming seasonal compassion cordons at the access points of every available public space. |
| Nigel Clark, Chalgrove |
You Are What You Eat, How Clean Is Your House, 10 Years Younger, Celebrity Wife Swap, The Catherine Tate Show, and a few more I can’t bring to mind. These programs are so repetitive; it’s like watching the same show every week! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
Oh boy, where to start.... 1. Working for a company that's headed up by a complete egotistical fool, hell-bent on fulfilling his own selfish agenda at any cost to those around him. |
| Tim, Oxford |
| I see from your gig list you do the warm up for ' Have I got news for you!' Having seen your show, in Belfast and on the comedy channel, it is annoying that they don't let you act as the host. |
| Skypilot , Oxfordshire |
The constant cackling from my 'bubbly' colleague at her own tiresome double entendres. She claims her great sense of humour comes from being born in Bolton and frequently uses the sentence "you know me, I always say what I think". I really wish she wouldn't say what she thinks though because it is always futile, I don't care, and it makes me depressed. Also, when I asked her who her favourite musician ever was, she said 'Robbie'. |
| Daisy, Bristol |
MY MOBILE PHONE COMPANY THING. GUESS WHAT I RECEIVED. |
| Emily Louise McCarthy, London Town |
For the 3rd week running = NTL! Whether you're looking for broadband, a phoneline or cable TV = stay away from NTL. They haven't got a clue what they're doing and the people on the NTL helpline are either (a)liars (b)idiots or (c)tossers. DO NOT USE NTL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PS Over 1000 people every week look at this website so if you know anyone who works for NTL please tell them how much bad I think their service is and what I'm doing. |
| Jo Caulfield, Here |
MIDDLE LANE DRIVERS!!! Seriously though, the further south you drive the worse it gets. People all clamour together in the middle and 'fast' lanes which just creates a huge jam. Drive up the M6 and see how considerate we are! On another note, there's the bloody customers who come to the shoe shop I manage to demand refunds on shoes they've been wearing for over A YEAR, because the soles have worn out! What do you expect you fat munters!! That's all for now - having a relatively calm day!! |
| Amy, Kendal |
Bryan Ferry’s mug, gawping at you from the M & S ads. Are we really supposed to believe that he would pay £129 for a suit! Also, did he name his son after a black soul singer, from America’s Deep South, thinking he may grow up to be an altruistic human being, fighting for the underdog’s rights? Funny that he turned out to be a pro–hunting, drunk driving, narrow minded tosser. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
Right now - The Guardian. |
| Jude, Manchester |
The French - because.... Saw you in Doncaster last night, an excellent evening, come again. |
| Paul, Rotherham |
People who moan about motorway middle lane drivers - have you tried driving in the inside lane? (JO says: "This is class! I agree with all of it except your second point - the bit about McCartney, Geldof and Bono. |
| Valerie, London |
Kerry(Kerri?) on 'Make Me A Super Model' would probably make a good model but is sooooooo irritating you want to shoot her. (JO says: "Justin Timberlake is for life, not just Christmas. Unfortunately".) |
| Valerie, London |
Couples who affectionately call each other 'babes'. Piers Morgan. Noel Edmonds being nominated for a BAFTA, for Deal or No Deal. |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
Thank you for coming to Halesworth last night, shocking weather and I know you got lost as my friends directed you to "New Cut" but did not recognise you as I dragged them out to see you, and they thought you were FANT-BLOODY-TASTIC. |
| Susie Enoch, Rendlesham, Woodbridge |
WATERMANS ARTS - BRENTFORD Stephen Pound MP. What a tosser! (Ian) |
| Audience Members, Watermans Arts, Brentford |
OLD TOWN HALL - HEMEL HEMPSTEAD Charity letters that send a biro. Send it to whoever you’re begging money for – they probably need it. (Julian) |
| Audience Members, Old Town Hall, Hemel Hempstead |
Les Dennis + Dido, just because! (Rob) |
| Audience Members, Corn Exchange, Brighton |
SOUTH STREET THEATRE - READING John Prescott. (Keith) |
| Audience Members, South Street Theatre, Reading |
COMEDY JUNCTION - SUTTON COLDFIELD Women's football + Chav's (Rob) |
| Audience Members, The Comedy Junction, Sutton Coldfield |
THE ANVIL - BASINSTOKE PART 1 The fact that you can legally have sex at 16 but can not buy a vibrator in Anne Summers until you are 18 … and have I.D.! (Rose) Ruth's behaviour towards David in The Archers. (Mr. Morgan) Theatre Company's that go round schools to talk about issues that no one really cares about. (Olivia) My husband REALLY being right – it rarely happens. (Judy) Call centre staff who refuse to understand the points I'm making + shop assistants who carry on their own personal conversations when I'd like some help. (Lorraine) Spending all afternoon on the phone to BT Broadband "Support"! (Brett) The two-mile tailback queuing up outside the drive-through Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet, car engines still running. Why don't they just park the car and then queue up!? (Rob) "Your call is important to us – please hang on for another ten minutes until one of our advisers gets back from lunch". (Gill) "Soundbite" politics. |
| Audience Members, The Anvil, Basingstoke |
THE ANVIL - BASINSTOKE PART 2 Sainsburys in Alton. (Frances) |
| Audience Members, The Anvil, Basingstoke |
THE STAND - GLASGOW NEDS being allowed to live near me. Whingers, men, stroppy teenagers, Rangers, and Scotland winning a game then thinking they are invincible. (Annie) All my friends having mid life crises! (Geordie) When you open a jar of Nescafe and the metal top NEVER comes off in one piece! Pensioners thinking that a free bus pass equals a divine right to stampede to the front of the bus queue. (David) Buying a new item of clothing, going back into the shop the next week, the item you bought last week and have worn several times is ½ off. (Vicki) Missing the bus. Prudery – sex and sexuality are too wonderful to waste time on guilt. TV programmes that tell you how to live your life! Like Supernanny + You Are What You Eat. If I want to be fat with psychotic children I will be! |
| Audience Members, The Stand, Glasgow |
THE STAND - EDINBURGH Guys who show their undies above their jeans!! "Pull your pants up!" (Catherine) Stick insect people (size 10 + below) complaining they look fat in clothes. Consultants who say they are resultants. |
| Audience Members, The Stand, Edinburgh |
Ordinary people who appear on TV, and have absolutely no dignity or decorum at all. Like contestants on Deal or No Deal, who, after winning a very low sum of money, actually break down and cry! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
Ant and Dec giving away prizes to people who do nasty thing to their freinds and family |
| Stephen Garner, Knutsford |
THE JUNCTION - CAMBRIDGE PART 1 Slow people when you want or need to get somewhere – dawdling tourists. Or students… Can’t they go and stare vacantly somewhere else? (Cat) |
| Audience Members, The Junction, Cambridge |
THE JUNCTION - CAMBRIDGE PART 2 Night cyclists with no lights – "Cambridge Specials" People with fast cars that drive them like old pensioners. Automated phone services. Talent less buskers. Lots of things… The expression of the so called "traveller" – "I’ve done" Australia etc + Women (pregnant or otherwise) who accuse you of being chauvinist for giving up your seat to them (Andrew) Cars that decide to go into the yellow box when there’s already a car waiting to move out of it on the other side AND the lights are just about to turn red (Eloise) |
| Audience Members, The Junction, Cambridge |
Oxford Bus Company |
| Hugh, Old Fire Station, Oxford |
OLD FIRE STATION - OXFORD Tourists or businessmen with trolley suitcases on the tube (Barry) |
| Audience Members, Old Fire Station, Oxford |
THE MILLFIELD THEATRE - EDMONTON Bus drivers + Chavs! If you let me near a Chav bus driver there could be unfortunate consequences… (Anne-Marie) |
| Audience Members, Millfield Theatre, Edmonton |
Stupid arsehole train passengers who think I make them late. |
| Roberto (the train driver), Millfield Theatre, Edmonton |
People who try out every transaction at the cashpoint when there’s ten people behind them! |
| Cat, Millfield Theatre, Edmonton |
| The word "purposely". I mean, what is it for? You either mean "deliberately" or "on purpose" or at a pinch "purposefully", but that’s a whole other kettle of linguistics. |
| Berenice, Millfield Theatre, Edmonton |
| My son grating parmesan all over the kitchen counters, but strangely, now that he's gone to University, I kinda miss it. |
| Karen, Winchmore Hill |
THE COMEDY CAVERN - BATH Misogynist old bastards in the workplace who are shite at their job but talk down to you becasue you're young and female (Felicity) |
| Audience Members, The Comedy Cavern, Bath |
TOWN HALL - HIGH WYCOMBE PART 1 Politicians speaking on television without being plugged into lie detectors (Jon) |
| Audience Members, Town Hall, High Wycombe |
Well as you asked... |
| Catherine, Town Hall, High Wycombe |
TOWN HALL - HIGH WYCOMBE PART 2 People and middle lane drivers (Dave) |
| Audience Members, Town Hall, High Wycombe |
WEST END CENTRE, ALDERSHOT - PART 1 People thinking I am gay just because I am pretty (Dexter) |
| Audience Members, West End Centre, Aldershot |
Thought you were FAB last night! |
| Susan McLean, Aldershot |
Prime Minister Tony Bush Great show last night at the West End Centre. |
| Matthew, Aldershot North |
WEST END CENTRE, ALDERSHOT - PART 2 Unable to take drinks into the venue!! (J. Collins) |
| Audience Members, West End Centre, Aldershot |
I love comedy on radio four except when lazy comics blah blah blah blah blah blah moan moan moan blah blah blah. (JO says: "Feel better now? Feel happy? Wonder why you didn't sign your real name? I'm guessing it's because you're a complete tosser. Yeah. Must be ".) |
| Bette Noir , London Town |
Loose Women because it's sexist. (JO says: "Loose Women is NOT sexist. Loose Women is shit".) |
| Stephen Garner, Knutsford |
Uptight, chain smoking, yuppie, guardian reading individuals who post 'child hating' messages on websites like these complaining about how annoying kids are and that they should be kept under control by their incompetent parents. Newsflash! We are all kids before we are adults. It is NECESSARY for the progression of human kind to actuall be born under the age of 18 and i'm sure that you were just a little angel weren't you? And yes i do read the Guardian, I am educated above degree level and no i don't have any kids (just incase you were going to make a sweeping stereotypical generalisation about me!) (JO says: "Yes, I totally agree with all of this. Apart from the words and the sentiment behind them".) |
| Kealey, Yorkshire |
| Prime Minister Tony Bush, President George W Blair, and you not coming to Liverpool on your tour. |
| Sherryl, Liverpool |
Meaningless reports and statistics and the experts that get paid to write them. |
| James White, London |
Watercooler discussion groups – ponceing, facile, fashion-headed, opinionated bigots. |
| Nigel Clark, Chalgrove |
Crust free bread for kids! What is the world coming to? |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
People who say "PREformance" instead of "PERformance". |
| Bridgwit, Barry, Vale of Glamorgan |
The "roofer" who came to quote me for repairs to my roof and asked if I had a ladder he could borrow - how does he normally get up on the roof !!!!!!!! People who use IS and WAS instead of ARE and WERE (JO says: "I agree with that. I am a complete pedant. I hate it when people use the wrong word - like saying "perverse" when they mean "perverted". Or saying "Bulemic Dunderhead" when they mean "Kate Moss".) |
| Spence, Jersey |
People who phone public telephone boxes, who do they expect to pick up? Then they seem to persist at leats 3 times untill some randomer feels obliged to answer. |
| Madeleine Ash, Tiffield aka middle of nowhere |
Expensive exfoliants. We seem to feel the need to dish out huge amounts of money so that designer labels can supply us with soap that contains small stones or sand with the promise of glowing skin, which, in my experience is infact more red and raw. £30 for the label, £10 for the packaging £0.50 for the soap and the rocks and sand were picked up free of a small beach off the coast of china, i mean please. |
| Madeleine, Tiffield |
| Butter dishes. Who decided what the design of a butter dish lid should be? Who determined that all butter dishes should have either a) no handle on the lid or b) a handle so awkwardly small that you are unable to keep hold of it between jammed and buttered fingers? I regularly spend 5 minutes each morning at the breakfast table wrestling to maintain control of the butter lid like a juggler of wet soap. |
| Mike, Sheffield |
| Lowri Turner. |
| Richard, Birmingham |
When on 'Flog it', someone's item goes for 50 quid, and they are asked, 'what will you do with the money?' I half expect them to say, 'I'll grab a pint and a sandwich on the way home!' |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
The fact that Felixstowe or any surrounding places never have any decent comedy gigs. People who look down on female comics simply because they're female. Cheese - It goes mouldy too damn quick. And that Jo isn't coming to Ipswich! *shakes fist* Come on, get yer butt down here, not EVERYONE's dead....yet. |
| Kai, Felixstowe |
When people leave the stickers on the bottom on their shoes and wear them like that! The fact that rich celebrities can afford luxurious items and buy them rubbing it in the faces of those who are poor, especially those in LEDC's. I'm not saying that everyone who is wealthy should give loads of money away to charity; but if you think about it...celebrities can afford to spare a tiny sum each to try and help combat poverty, right? |
| Hemaxi Chauhan, Leicester, England |
The thing that annoys me the most is: neither David Beckham nor his good wife have acknowledged or thanked me for donating a piece of my art to their charity auction for Unicef - a neon which sold for £28,000. Also, its taken Sky three months to come round and get my picture sorted out. |
| Tracey Emin, London |
The BBC sending hundreds of people to Germany at the licence payers expense on a jolly during the World Cup. Why can't they do the commentary from a local pub and save the money? BBC Radio 5 live turning into Radio Bloke. The Queen's unending 80th birthday celebrations and the accompanying media fawning> (Jo says: "I'll bet she was happy with the result in the Germany v Argentina game.") |
| Steve Chapman, Bristol |
Insurance company call centres who tell you 'everyone's in the same boat' when they leave you stranded without a car after they've written yours off. |
| Imogen, West London |
Always being right about everything that doesn't matter. |
| Robert, Maidenhead |
| Ruth Badger - without a shadow of a doubt |
| Sarah, Fareham |
| People who think that by saying "end of" and wiggling their stupid heads from side to side during an argument means that they've won.This is particularly true of reality TV contestants. End of what? End of converstation? End of vocabulary? End of being able to think of any relevant points top make? End of having to put up with arrogant tossers? Lets hope so! |
| Sarah, Fareham |
Dithering drivers...out for a drive on a country lane at 42 miles per hour sitting in the middle of the road allowing no room for overtaking and slowinfg down for all road signs.. glimpses of something through the hedge ... but when the village comes with a 30 mile speed limit they become bold and daring and remain at ...42 miles per hour. The people who serve cheep wine and tell you what a great bargin it is... Akin to this are a variety of cheep largers that apear in six packs at parties and remain on the table while the person who provided them drinks all the Stella. |
| Skypilot, Oxfordshire |
People who think age gives them wisdom..." I've worked here for 30 years and I can tell you in my experiance you should always put the plug in sink before you turn on the tap.. but then you'd be to young to remember the drought of '76 when every drop was .......etc, etc.." Celebraty piety... Cliff Richard is the head of this possy but he is followed closly buy Johnathan Edwards and Aled Jones (Actualy Aled Jones fits into another special catagory , pompouse welsh child star who still think they are the bee's knees, another on this list would be Charlotte Church). |
| Skypilot, Oxfordshire |
Web sites that have a page to go to and then say coming soon, come on Jo get the merchandise up for sale, we want to buy! (Jo says: "Yeah, sorry, it all went a bit wrong, the whole DVD-CD-perfume-tshirt-autobiograghy bit. We're still working on them. Hopefully everything will all come together in time for my Autumn tour.") |
| Harry, North Yorkshire |
Poverty and people suffering. Sainsbury's having stopped doing vegetarian parmesan cheese. The nanny state that has developed in the UK and getting my stiletto's stuck in cattle grids. When there's only coffee creme's left. President Bush. Being kept waiting for the bill in a restaurant. The war in Iraq. Plastic tops on organic milk. |
| Audience Members, Oxford Comedy Club |
Davina McCall, Kirstie Allsopp and Charlotte Church. If we just ignore them do you think they'll eventually go away? (Jo says: "Poor old Charlotte Church,she's become the barometer by which mothers up and down the land measure their teenage daughter's behaviour. I can just hear them now, 'Oooh, our Karen's out of control, honestly I've seen it happen with Charlotte Church. If we don't stop her drinking now, before we know it she'll have grown up into Kate Moss'. |
| Anne Marie Walker, Edmonton |
The Kaiser Chiefs. (JO says: "Neil, you're not fooling anybody. Everyone knows South Hampstead really means Kilburn.") |
| Neil, South Hampstead |
| I've had it with people calling Jose Mourinho, Hose Mourinho. Hose is Spanish. Jose is Portuguese. Jose Mourinho is from Portugal therefore he's Portuguese and his name is pronounced JO- (as in Jo Caulfield) and SE (as in Aretha Franklin's "I SAY a little prayer for you.") JO-SAY! Not HO-SAY. Its been well documented every week on Football Focus and Match of the Day, so why are some people still acting like idiots and pronouncing his name wrong? |
| Kieth, Rednal, West Midlands |
In no particular order... (JO says: "Couldn't agree more. I used to get Hello, heat, OK magazine, Cosmopolitan, and Woman's Own delivered each week. But since the invasion of Iraq (an invasion based on oil, greed and lies and not freedom) I have had a change of sensibilities and cancelled my subscription to Woman's Own.") |
| D. Madge, Camberley |
People at supermarket checkouts who, when asked if they want any cash back, reply "is it free!" Shop assistant's in electrical stores, trying to sell you extra cover on a DVD player that cost £19.99. Building society employee's, standing behind little podiums just as you go in, trying to sell you loans. When I pop in to see my elderly mother and she says, "hello stranger!" Anybody who says, in their autobiography, "when I took my shirt off, the ladies in the audience went crazy!" has got to be a major twat of the highest order! Oh, and Tommy Steele - Flash, Bang, Wallop, what a Wanker! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
Graham Norton. Pass the machine gun. Men under pensionable age wearing flat caps. People who use stock phrases all the time. "The job's a goodun!", "our kid" and (my particular favourite) "The back end of next week". People who have huge stretched earlobes you can see daylight through. Being pestered by strangers for cigarettes. Crap sex. |
| Lucy, Manchester |
I've been up in the night again... The fact that we weren't treated to a burst of Tsaichovsky's Dance of the Dying Swan from Swan Lake as musak accompaniment behind all the reports from Cellardyke. The propensity for crass philistinism in the media is clearly slipping. Although judging by the reports, there was nothing glorious in the death of this particular swan. It spent some time bobbing about in the local harbour unaccompanied by an attentive swan harem. I guess it must have been a pen. While we're on the subject, why can't we have a more imaginative name for the disease that, if you believe the media, is going to be more destructive than the black death. Avian flu, H5N1, they are so unimaginative. Why not the Beaked Death or the Poultry Plague. (Jo says: "The Beaked Death. I like that. BTW I should have my new funky website up and runing next week and any email I like receives a prize. You would have won for the Beaked Death.") |
| Nigel Clark, Chalgrove |
I am fed up with a neighbour 2 doors away who lets her bloody dogs shit in my back garden. I have complained and 7 days later they still shit in the back yard. And the dog poo law does not cover back gardens. And this idiot woman has not even bothered covering up the hedge, shes getting quotes. So why the hell does she not stop her 2 dogs shitting in my garden. Yes I mean you from Castle Acre Weston Downs you ignorant moron. |
| Kirsty, Stafford |
Rod Stewart. He used to be great, years ago, when he was in the Faces, but every time I see pictures of him now, in his shiny shoes and tailed suits, being invariably dwarfed buy some tall blonde, he reminds me of the little groom on the top of a wedding cake! |
| Paul Stanley, Stafford |
(Jo says: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Stephen Garner from Knutsford... Stephen contacts the website every couple of weeks so I've collected some of his recent posts and picked out my favourites. Take it away Stephen...") The acting on Hollyoaks. Scary Movie 3 always being on Sky Movies. Hillary Duff playing the Manchester MEN Arena and Andy From X Factor playing the Manchester Bridgewater Hall when they only have one cd to their names. People who have a go at Carol on Countdown when they have pricks like Paul burrel on. I hope they check for stuff that was missing. That woman on Brain Teaser. TV channels showing films when you have them on DVD. People who don't clap properly> Bands whos shows start late and they don't tell you until you show up - like The Verve. I got there for 7.30 and the show didn't start until 9.30. Kids in adverts. The Royle. People you have never heard of on Through The Keyhole. |
| Stephen Garner, Knutsford |
Obese people who drive their cars to the supermarket who are perfectly capable of walking but because they are obese they grab the mobility scooters and cruise around the store while elderly men with walking canes have to manage their carts and canes because the fatty's who could use a little activity are too lazy to push the cart. |
| Toni, Texas |
Advertising on roundabouts. Hang on a second, I'll just stop the car and note down that phone number. I need a good estate agent right now. That bloody woman's voice that says, 'Cashier number four!' at every bank, building society and post office in the country. She says each number in a slightly different way, to create the illusion that she's reading it out live, and with a sense of drama, as if she was calling the bingo numbers, all so that we can feel gratified by this quirky, warm, personal touch, as if we hadn't heard exactly the same bloody voice at every other bank, building society and post office we've ever been into and realised long ago that's it's all a con. In fact, all the phony attempts to fake human warmth by companies that actually don't give a STUFF about human warmth, they just want us to hand over our money as quickly and meekly as possible. That includes the recorded messages that cinemas offer, which a) decline to tell you whether the film you want to see is showing on their big screen or on their screen 8, which is actually a converted broom cupboard (but the tickets still cost £8.50) and b) try to inject so much feeling into the name of each film that you wonder if they expect you to swoon with emotion and then rush off to kiss the nearest stranger just hearing it. Wankers who respond to the urgent anxiety that all responsible people feel about the threat of climate change by going out and buying an SUV. And then drive around on their own, in a vehicle the size of a tank - or else they ferry their little kiddies around, no doubt congratulating themselves on how well they are looking after their offspring when in fact they're helping to destroy the world their offspring are going to inherit. Journalists who want to abolish the word 'the' to save a few millimetres on the page. No one who knows how English is spoken actually says - for example - 'I love comedian Jo Caulfield.' We say, 'I love the comedian Jo Caulfield.' Who are these lazy bastards who are bastardising our language? And why can't they just piss off? There's a whole lot more than makes me angry, but that's enough to be going on with. |
| Huw, Harrow |
Women's Hour - A patronising anachronism. People who need to know how to knit homeopathic jam doilies should just get on line and find fellow extreme housekeepers. Better still, find some new perversion to brighten their dreary lives. Central heating. To maintain body heat marginally above the point of cryogenic suspension, I spend half the year living with something that sounds like an old girls gastritis: constantly wheezing, gurgling and blowing off. Tart traps in pedestrianised precincts. The narrow gratings designed specifically to snap off heels and provide a useful scale of intoxication ranging from mild loss of dignity through sprained angle to dislocated hip and fractured skull. Fat sweaty men who exaggerate the crush on the tube. Dixons Home Audio and Hi-Fi Assistant Supervisors who clearly think that Madam's IQ is inversely proportional to her breast size. Wasting time wondering whether Dixons Home Audio and Hi-Fi Assistant Supervisors are too shy to look Madam in the eye, or just to brazen to bother shifting their gaze from Madam's breast. Shifty little men whose face reflects the emotional crisis caused when one feels compelled by convention to smile at them. Enthusiastic telesales tossers phoning unsolicited on behalf of my bank, usually early evening when I'm really busy, to say that during a routine review of the account they've noticed just how skint I must be and wouldn't it be wonderful to take out a nice big loan at a preferential rate so I can be even more skint shortly afterwards, then, after I politely explain that I am really not interested in whatever it is they are flogging right now, they suggest that, as it is a joint account, perhaps they should have a word with my husband. The fringe on my faux leather University of Oxford souvenir bookmark. |
| Nigella Clark, Chalgrove |
Butter - whats the point of it when you can't spread the stuff on toast or bread, or is it just my wife that insists on keeping it in the fridge? It really makes me angry trying to spread it. |
| James , Fareham, Hants |
Just simply Jo Whiley of radio one fame. Shes so annoying. |
| Emily, home |
Jo Caulfield's DVD not being available yet! "Quote Unquote" being on instead of "Just A Minute". CCTVs on every lampost. Cleaning out my daughter's hamster. Lads Mags - they're so "post modern" - no they're not, they're stroke mags. Terrapins. (Jo says: "Totally agree with the "lads mags". They're written by tossers and read by wankers. As for the DVD, we're still working on it.") |
| Steve Chapman, Bristol |
Only the one thing... Bloody people with bloody clipboards who get all bloody self righteous when you tell them "I'm sorry I can't do your hour long survey about badger vomit because I need the toilet! And have a life!!" Hanging round town centres like speccy, permed dog turds. Bastards. |
| Reanna, Kidderminster |
Supermarket shelves groaning under the weight of tasteless low-fat foodstuffs. The people that buy them instead of eating less and exercising more. I demand a flying picket outside Sainsbury's opposing their entry. Non-alcoholic drinks designed to taste as if they were. |
| John Hall, Turku, Finland |
People in shops who ask "Can I help you?". Of course they bloody can, why do they work there? The correct question is "HOW can I help you?" Of course the most annoying (and probably thickest) people in London are those who don't step aside to let you off a tube train. They can't think even 5 seconds ahead to work out that when those doors open they will have to let you off before they get on. I regularly ask these twats to get out of my way and they look at me in total surprise. |
| Marco, Finchley |
People who get up really early to go to work and let their bloody barking dogs out for a barking piss at 6am every single bloody morning and then have mates round drinking and shouting till midnight when they let the bloody barking dogs out again to have another barking piss. |
| Julia, Brighton |
People who pave their front gardens to make parking spaces and then leave their vehicles stuck out half way across the pavement. People who drop fast food wrappers, cans and bottles - sometimes three feet from a bin! |
| Irene, Worcestershire |
Porn when people make no effort, I like people to give their all to their work. |
| James, Crawford |
Swindon Bad drugs My priapism |
| Howard, Leeds |
Richard Littlejohn. The Daily Mail for employing Richard Littlejohn. Did they feel there wasn't enough hatred in their rag? Smoking being banned in pubs just to save the lives of people who drive their kids to school in planet destroying 4x4s. Lending money to friends who then make you feel like a git because YOU have to chase them up to get it back. Men who aren't mature enough to cope with the fact that you went out with their girlfriend long before they did. Having to put up with English and Welsh commentators on Scottish rugby matches even when Scotland aren't playing either of them. Submitting this list now and then later on keeping myself awake with all the stuff that really annoys me. (Jo says: "I really like this list and totally agree with most of it. Any more? Tell us about the immature men and the ex-girlfriend. That's the kind of stuff I thrive on.") |
| Paul Hobin, Derby |
Dumb people who actually believe they're smart (though, sometimes it's rather funny), and the fact that Jo Caulfield has no gigs scheduled in Canada, that I can find at any rate. |
| Tristan Michelle Joseph, London, the one in Ontario, Canada |
Linda Smith Dying. (Jo says: Yes, just so unfair that someone who brought so much joy to people should die at such a young age. As well as being hilarious she was also a warm and generous person and I remember her being very encouraging when I first started off in comedy. She's going to be greatly missed.") |
| Stephen Garner, Knutsford |
Linda Smith buys the farm but (NAME EDITED OUT), that fat unfunny twat, is still breathing. Why? Paying enough council tax to bribe Gary Glitters victims parents, for what? In order to support schools which will be truanted from by obnoxious little snots who hang around outside McDonalds pretending they're cool and making total arseholes of themselves. Thats what. Frikkin 'Celebrity' programs which are full to the gunnells of people that anyone with an IQ which can stagger into double digits will never have heard of. Morons to a man, or woman, or in the case of that trout faced streak of dogs urine that had a hit about three million years ago with 'You spin me round', God knows what. Pikeys that knock on my door and tell me "We've been re-surfacing the motorways and we've a bit of tarmac left over. Would you be after having your drive done?" As if any motorway agency would employ the scruffy herberts who turn up with the arse out of their trousers and a flat-bed lorry that looks as if it was used to nick stones from Hadrians wall while the Romans were building it. Tossers who carve you up on roundabouts and then flip you the finger when you sound your horn at them. I hope they all die in screaming agony in the wreckage of their crashed and burning BMW. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel so much better now. Saw your show last night at Norden Farm in Maidenhead, hell of a laugh. I only booked the tickets on the Saturday before the show. It was almost sold out except for the front two rows. I wonder why? Look forward to your next series on R4. (Jo says: "Well, according to Richard Smith seats D8 & D9 were empty because of the mother-in-law of Anabella Turpin. And I edited out the name of the unfunny twat because I think it would be more fun if people try and guess who it is.") |
| Chris, Maidenhead |
Arranging to see Jo Caulfied at Norden Farm on Sunday, only for my lift (the mother-in-law of Anabella Turpin, the venue's acts booker!) not to turn up, and thus leave my wife & I freezing on the kerbside in Oxford for 45 minutes muttering things like "there's no way we can make the show now" and "where can I buy a crossbow?". So that's why Seats D8 & D9 weren't occupied tonight. Oh, I'm so angry & annoyed - can you sense how hard I'm hitting these keys? |
| Richard Smith, Oxford |
| People who work in Vision Express and say they work in the Optical Lab to make it sound more scientific. They are not scientists. They sell glasses for a living. |
| Gemma, Windsor |
| The most annoying things in the world are: (in this order): Injustice, Cruelty, Repression, and all the leaflets that fall out of glossy magazines when you try and read them. |
| Holly, London |
| Pedigree chum has gone up by seven pence. That's nearly 90 pence in dog money. |
| Margaret Hedberg, Bournemouth |
Cold Case (American Police Series) only because most of the killers turn out to be men. People you have never heard of on Through The Keyhole. Murder She Wrote, has she ever written anything on that show? The Mum's and Dad's on Stars In Their Eyes Kids because some of them pick who their kids are going to be. You Are What You Eat because she must have eaten a lady dog because she's a bitch. |
| Stephen, Knutsford |
Great show at Darlington 25th Feb.
What got me annoyed today was finding that the tickets to your show which have been kept in a safe place since I got them had vanished and could not be found even at the back of the drawer where everthing eventually gets put. |
| Neil Perkin, Northallerton |
Hi Jo, we really enjoyed your show on Thursday which, incidentally, wasn't a school night (Leicester half-term)... The following make me angry, oh, so very angry... 'Do not speed through OUR village' signs. What's so special about YOU? How about YOU don't speed where the rest of us live? Enormous complicated pushchairs, especially those THREE-wheelers with the front wheel specially placed to trip you up. Pushchair parking spaces on buses. Why can't parents fold up pushchairs and manage with baby, toddler and the week's veg in one seat space like we did? Leylandii. Sitting behind little kids on buses who expect me to join in playing peek-a-boo. Sitting in front of little kids on buses who pull my hair and wipe their sticky little hands on my jacket. Parents not holding their little kids, or not making them sit properly, on buses. Driver, slam the brakes on NOW. Fireworks which scare my rabbits. Eating and drinking on buses. No, I DON'T like sitting on sticky seats. SURELY you can last the 20mins it takes to get home? GPs who 'don't do ears'. Film wrappers on CD cases. CD cases. (I've found that opening either is best delegated to someone under 30.) The countryside. FAR too much mud. Footway hoggers. You can't get round them without stepping into the road and risking getting run down. This is not about big people. No. Hoggers can be any size. It's the way they move and how they carry their bags and trail their kids. By the way, Dan from Edinburgh, you are WRONG. Persistent pressing of the Green Man button DOES make the lights change sooner. Thanks, Jo. Now I feel loads better. Now to re-format my hard drive... |
| Ann, Leicester |
Call Centre staff who tell me my postcode is 'fantastic'. |
| John Gregson, Outskirts of Warrington! |
People who point out the view in the full knowledge that you are not now nor have you ever been blind or visually impaired in any way. The look of benevelent incomprehension on the face of the builder whose request for a large cash sum you have just refused because he hasn't done any work yet. The appalling failiure of over paid Brussels bureuacrats to ban the placing of sliced tomatoes in prepackaged sandwiches whilst at the same time allowing Gerri Halliwell to do a cover of 'It's Raining Men'. Two or more cat lovers allowed to gather in one place where there are non cat owners present. Adverts on the BBC involving tap dancers, wheelchair dancing, people twirling down ribbons, doing some sort of martial art whathaveyou or tangoing. Or huge flying faces made up of lots of small other faces. Most things to do with golf. People who park on pavements. Radio 4 dramas involving unconvincing Jamaican/ African/ Geordie/ Welsh/ Indian/ American/ Irish accents. Albums by singer songwiters with childrens drawings on the cover of people holding hands. Albums by singer songwiters. Other people. Children. Other peoples children Open bags of alfalfa sprouts offered round by malnourished middle aged hippy females as if they were bags of chips. Comedians whose websites encourage the angry and annoyed in a desperate search for material. (Jo says: "Yeah. That's me bang to rights.") |
| Jim Kitson, Newcastle upon Tyne |
People who sit on you, not next to you. People who insist on eating a tomato like it's an apple and squelch every mouthful. Also doesn't close their mouth when they're eating. Shouts on the phone and speaks in cliches. I have one person in mind here. Tosser. Feel better already. LBP (lazy bastard parking) that's people who park directly in front of the supermarket front door because they can't be arsed to walk. Wet toilet seats you only discover after you've sat down. Scummy toilets at pubs, festivals. No bin to put tampons or sanitary towels in. Bar prices at the Lowry. Children in pubs annoying everybody but are ignored by their parents who are 'too busy' getting pissed. Davina McCall - why? Thatcher. The Royal Family. Duchy of Cornwall food eg subsidising a sponging royal. ParcelForce customer services particularly Christmas period - where's the book I ordered? Bastards. Silent calls on the answerphone. Four by four drivers. Being held up by the school run idiots. Adverts that have been badly dubbed. Also the car ad that uses Happy Days clips the ad exec should be shot. Calories. That'll do for now thanks. Saved me going to a shrink. |
| Rita Bradbury, Stockport |
I hate it when people say the wrong word... Like saying syllabus when they mean curriculum? My mum once explained to a bank clerk that, as her husband was currently a casual worker, his wages flatuated! Do please excuse my rude intrusion, I'm not a pedant - but I don't get out much. |
| Nigel Clark, Unknown |
Butter nut squash is pretty annoying because its very tasty but a bugger to cut into. I would also suggest swede and turnips are in that category as well. Just to put this into context we have started having one of those organic vegetable boxes delivered each week. Its great but we are starting to flag on the vegetables and despite early success in using them all up each week we are now falling behind. Right now we have two red cabbages in the cupboard, parsnips and Jerusalem artichokes - I dont have the first idea what to do with Jerusalem artichokes! I have just realised that this ditty sounds fairly gay - I am married and not a vegetable geek at all. And we are in our thirties and not too old! PS enjoyed your show at the Ashcroft (Jo says: "Methinks the lady doth protest too much! You are SOOOOO gay!") |
| James, Fareham, Hants |
At risk of repetition, but these things make me angry so I need to vent my spleen! Jeremy Clarkson, his views, his programmes, his stupid gormless face! Particularly his glamourising driving fast, hatred of nature & his "amusing" & constant references to modern Germany-implying they are all Nazi`s-lazy, unfunny, & corny comments- twat!! I hate everything about him the biggotted, xenephobic, mysogonistic tosser- may he be wiped out by a falling tree! Apart from that he is OK....!! Not so much litter, but people who drop litter- they should be executed on the spot! A wee bit harsh I know, make them pick up the litter first, then execute them- ignorant bastards!! UK independence party/views/people who vote for them etc- Metric measurements are fine, the USA aside (& who wants to be like them?!!) the whole world uses them- we do not suddenly lose our national identity & Britishness because we say "that hill is 500 metres high", GET A LIFE! |
| Neil Gange, Exeter |
I'm annoyed currently by my flatmate Hannah, who cried whilst listening to "2 little boys" by Rolf Harris and was inconsolable for the rest of the evening. (Fair enough, I cried whilst listening too but probably for completely different reasons...) Also Mary Poppins annoys me, the ideal nanny-who carries a hatstand in her handbag??? Poor little Jane Banks must have been very confused; condoms, a rape alarm and an emergency tampax surely should be sufficient?? |
| Jim, Durham/Shrewsbury |
I need to pee, but am sitting here listening to your radio show on t'internet. How annoying. (Jo says: "Far too much information there. And a mental image I'll try not to think about next time I record a radio show. Thank you very much.") |
| Vicky, Stockholm |
Sorry, I forgot two things from my previous list and it's been annoying me since. And making me slightly angry. Pretentious TV so-called 'celebrety' chef's who use the term 'Pan Fried' - have I missed something? Does any body fry in any other utensil except a pan? Show me a 'Toaster Fried' breast of chicken with a wild mushroom sauce and I'll be impressed, otherwise, stop being so bloody condescending! And Gary Rhodes, 'build the dish' - no, just put it on a plate and let me scoff it - it's far easier and won't give me indigestion trying to seperate the layers! Now that's REALLY better - Cheers! PS. Can't wait for Derek form Elderslie's next batch of comments - made me laugh nearly as much as Jo did at Huddersfield!! |
| Sian, Barnsley |
The unoficial changing of the evening - at least if the television schedules are anything to go by - apparently daytime runs until about 9.00 pm now. The rediscovery of radio has been a godsend. Oh and - people who travel on the train every day - don't buy a season ticket - complain about barrier checks - but hide behind their daily telegraphs when a ticket seller passes through the carriage. (Jo says: "I'm doing 3 nights in Glasgow towards the end of April at the Stand Comedy Club. It's a great club. Tell your friends.") |
| Keith, Glasgow |
GP's (and dentists) who, despite their unbelievably large salaries, still whinge about how hard they work, and want people to feel sorry for them. Poor things, perhaps we should have a collection for them.... Oh yes, and pedantic people who have nothing more significant to get angry and annoyed about than the idiosyncrasies of the English language. PS Jo- booked for your Sheffield show, you are the only woman performing at the Last Laugh in the first quarter of 2006. Need more female comics... |
| Nikki, Sheffield |
Seeing litter everywhere, banked up against wall, drifting like snow against the kerb and plastic bags hanging from so-oo-o-o-oo many trees and bushes, foreigners must think we cultivate it here! |
| Derek, Elderslie |
| The mountain of frilly, fuschia pink, Asda clothing bought for my little girl by my tacky inlaws. Why do they not realise she never wears this tat and give us the money instead? |
| Kath, Bristol |
| When pissed one night you send a bit of text to a porn site and then everyday after that you get multiple messages from some woman telling you what she's wearing and she won't STOP! |
| Alan, Windsor |
PART 2... Films shot in total darkness as a substitute for atmosphere. Choice. Politicians see it as some kind of Holy Grail but in reality it just makes things that used to be straight-forward (eg schools and hospitals) difficult and complicated. And, if we're supposed to have so much choice nowadays, how come all the big shops sell virtually the same things? Celebrities obstensibly warning about the dangers of drugs but who are really just bragging about their experiences. Driving with (front) fog lights on during broad daylight. Give them full beam in the face until they get the message. People who ask if you mind if they smoke after they've already lit up. The Royal family for being a sponging waste of space. Parent and child parking at supermarkets. My 70 year old mother has to find a parking space about 6 miles away whilst a perfectly fit young parent and his or her startlingly rotund offspring is invited to virtually park inside the shop. |
| Chris Wilkinson, Totternhoe |
| Being stopped by a police officer for speeding and being asked by the twat if he can borrow my pen on the dashboard to take my deatils!!!!!! |
| Jonathan Davies, Cowbridge South Wales |
Patients who don't appreciate the hard work GPs go to. |
| Arial, Cambridge |
(In no particular order) 1. People saying "less" when they mean "fewer". 2. Constant saturation advertising for Digital on the BBC (so over-the-top that I got rid of my TV altogether). 3. Unquestioning acceptance that chip and pin will make any difference to fraud whatsoever. 4. Thinking rising house prices is a good thing. 5. Pious over-adherence to the speed limit. 6. Talking about soap opera characters as if they were real. 7. Music that's essentially muzak dressed up, e.g. Celine Dion, Phil Collins, Coldplay etc. |
| Chris Wilkinson, Totternhoe |
People who write "your" when they mean "you're". Yes you Alison and Nikki! (Pedant? Me?) (Jo says: "I've got to be honest, I'm a bit of a pedant. I hate it when people use the wrong word - like saying "perverse" when they mean "perverted". Or saying "Bulemic Dunderhead" when they mean "Kate Moss".) |
| Graeme, Hatfield |
People who walk slowly around shopping centres (usually in a row of 4 or 5). Pensioners who go to the supermarket on a saturday afternoon. Anything with Jeremy Clarkson in. People who call in sick because their hamster died. Crap service in shops/ food places. GPs who speak to you like your 6, or make you feel like they are wasting their time (even though you know they get paid each time you walk through the door, and you know you are probably far more intelligent than them...). Women who look you up and down when you walk into a room, then smile falsely and say 'HELLO DAAHHLING... So good to see you...' Whatever.... People on benefits who can afford to smoke. Net curtains. Teenagers who eat with their mouth open and can't use a knife and fork. Shop assistants who look at you like you're always about to steal something. |
| Nikki, Sheffield |
The use of pretend swear words; shite, etc. If a swear word is the most appropriate one for the situation, use it, otherwise pick a different word. Car parks where you have to pay in advance, so I have to keep checking the time. Car park meters that do not give change, but have charges just under a round number, so I end up paying £1 not 80p. Having to pay to park in Maidstone in the evenings. This is just a tax on local people who did not realise that the rules had changed. Arriving at the front door with a bag, and my keys being in a pocket on the opposite side to my free hand. This happens way more than the 50/50 it should be. People who only drive in the second lane on motorways. Fog lights in summer. The amount of thought that I have put into this, as if it were important, and still not being happy with it. |
| Bob, Kent |
The amount of junk mail, I as a postman have to lug around. Most people just bin it, so why do these companies send so much out? People who think "I don't want it if it's bill" is funny or original, it's neither. 98% of mercedes-benz drivers. No, you didn't get the road thrown in when you bought it. Morons at Comet that believe a cooker control knob is a decorative item. (JO says: "Comet, Currys and Dixons. Or as I call them, the Axis of Evil. If Bush had threatened to bomb them there'd have been no complaints or marches. I'd be right behind him shouting, "Yeah and stick one up Carphone Wharehouse while you're at it!") |
| Ron Bell, Maidstone |
Any one, that's ANY ONE, who calls me 'Madam' - I'm younger than Demi Moore for Gods sake (I'm actually younger than Jo - so I hope she gets angry and annoyed by it as well!) Rudeness - unforgivable in any circumstances. Waitresses asking 'Was everything alright for you?' (especially if they add the word 'Madam'!), it usually isn't 'alright' in places where they ask that, and they couldn't give a toss any way, they're working for peanuts until they get a job that pays a decent wage. People ringing me up at work asking to speak to 'The person in charge of the Company's Mobile Phones' - It's me and I really don't appreciate your 8 calls a day. People (for whatever reason) ringing me up before 1pm on Saturdays (Mother - please take note!). Thank you, I feel better now! (Jo says: "Sian, I agree with everything except the last one. I quite enjoy speaking to your mother every saturday morning - she's told me all about you. Have you seen her new website: www.mydaughtersian.com? It's very good. Great baby photos." |
| Sian, Barnsley |
| People who think that making lists of things that make you angry and annoyed help you to not be angry and annoyed. It just makes me more angry. And annoyed. |
| Stuart, Cambridge |
The Spanish Inquisition turning up when you least expect them. Not being able to get BBC4. (JO says: "Why do you want BBC4? Are they showing old Monty Python episodes?") |
| Stuart, Cambridge |
| "Is everything OK with your meal?". Yes, apart from the annoying twat who's just interrupted my conversation and meal.... |
| Mike, Windsor |
Hideous Christmas presents from people who should know better. Pink winnie-the-poo burburry-esk slippers in particular. People who say 'go on then, hit me' when they find out that you do martial arts. Scampi flavour Nik-Naks. |
| Jopdian, North East |
Now your asking...... PART 1 Builders who don't whistle when you walk past in a mini. Whats wrong with you guys? Shop assistants that follow you around so closely you want to accuse them of stealing from you. Reaching 29. Please god, if I start praying can I stick now? Smudging your nail polish seconds after you have painted them or sneezing immediately after you have put mascara on. Oh so pretty, Scary Mc Mary. Waiting for a sneeze that doesn't come. (Look at the light, it generally works! ;-) Waiting for that bus that doesn't come.....looking at the light doesn't work in this case. You might as well walk it your gonna get wet.) Failing your driving test. Again. Turbulence on aeroplanes. People passing wind in confined spaces. Lifts that sound and look like they aren't safe. Or smell of pee. Laddering your tights on a night out. Or whenever really, just laddering your tights! Then being too pissed to consider taking them off, then spending the rest of the night hoisting the majority of the hole above your hem line. Scratching a cd on your favourite track. The hidden bonus track you have to wait for that appears half an hour later on the disk.... Blowing a speaker(s). Music made entirely by computer. ANYTHING going wrong with your laptop. Its like a Bermuda triangle you might as well give up and eat a packet of twiglets (small, crunchy, marmite flavoured). Spending 3 days photographing stuff for ebay for a £1.57 return. They don't put that on the advert. Your mate pulling the bloke/girl they knew you fancied..... Breaking the cork in a bottle of wine. You plonker. Now you cant avoid the floaty bits. To be continued below... |
| Alison, Derby |
PART 2 Chewing gum under tables. Empty MacDonald's packets everywhere, when the nearest MacDonald's isn't for 20 miles. Actually I think there is probably a MacDonald's every five miles. It has become one of our national treasures. A bit like our drug dealers. Bin men who will only remove what's inside the bin and no other bags of rubbish left beside the bin whatsoever no matter what the circumstances. A size 10 that comes up on the small side....it really should be a size 12....honest! (This happens a lot after Christmas and New Year....) Forgetting a spare tampax. Ladies. Burning toast!!!!! I mean, how bloody easy is it to cook toast?? Or get an egg right? Spilling red wine down a white outfit/ Baby puking on your work outfit. The effect breast feeding has on a woman's breasts. Now I need 3grand for the boob job. Maybe I can make the stretch marks into some kind of elaborate tribal earth mother tattoo? Getting into the packaging on kids toys without needing a screwdriver, bandage or plaster. Or a man. People who smoke in cars with kids. Why not open your kid's jaws and give them blow backs? Or just paint cancer directly on top their skin? Why not? The fact that kids don't give up their seats on buses for pregnant women or the elderly. Giving change to one homeless person only to be swamped by 11 more who saw you give...... Homeless people sitting by cash machines. No No No. Folk that park over the lowered part of the pavement designed for buggy or wheel chair use. Be considerate. Obligatory prawn crackers from the Chinese take away. What are they about? Do the Chinese really eat them with every meal? They taste awful, are totally un-nutritional and resemble greasy fried skips (crisps).A lot like battering a mars bar (like they do in the north, mi duck). Yet you feel compelled to eat them while the rest of your food gets cold. Then before you know it the whole bags gone and you have to spend the next year in the gym shedding the guilt and the following year shedding the fat. Squeeze one between your fingers, go on. yum. I could go on........... |
| Alison, Derby |
Supermarket till queues. We've got '5/6/10 items or less', 'baskets only', 'cash only' - the variations go on. How about a 'blokes with baskets & cash only (and that doesn't mean £ 29.97 in copper which you will take ten minutes to find to seem helpful), no trivial chit-chat with till operator, no dawdlers, guaranteed to get home before midnight' till. As an aside, I'll also mention the brainless repetition of the questions till operators are taught to ask during their training, when they are obviously irrelevant. I do not need help with my packing when it is clear to any being with an ounce of intelligence that a carrier bag is of no use. You don't need a tape measure and weighing scales to work out that a 24-can case of lager is too big/heavy for a crappy plastic bag. Get it? |
| Paul, Beverley |
| Motorway middle lane hoggers, telephone queueing systems, the inflated wages footballers are paid (and the cost of going to matches because of this) and not being able to believe what you read in the newspaper. |
| Mike, Ipswich |
| Wanting to explode and not being allowed to in case I disturb the neighbours. |
| Joe, Colchester |
7 Things that annoy me.... Impulse buying, having buyers remorse, selling my impulse buys on EBay, buying more things on impulse. Doing that over and over again until I lose all the money from my original impulse buy due to my items selling cheap, being broke, realising that I have hundreds of pounds in unpaid ebay fees. Two things i like... The comic side of 7 days and Jo Caulfield, on the comic side of 7 days. |
| Graham Tate, Sowerby Bridge |
Bags on wheels.....carry it! 100 Greatest Moments on C4...please please please don't do any more of these Jo, they're the scourge of cheap TV scheduling. How long before we get the 100 best 100 best TV moments? People who quote Monty Python. The Fast Show and Little Britain...be original for god's sake! Cillit Bang Tom Cruise and Kevin Costner - I don't know why but god they're irritating. Tribute bands. Bulldog Broadband - signed up with them and never received a modem....how do you get broadband without one? Talk about shoddy! People who are always annoyed......oh. (Jo: "The 100 best 100 best TV moments? I'll have to mention that to Channel 5. Bulldog? I'll bet my NTL story is worse. And stay away from Comet unless you want bad service and lies."). |
| Mark, London |
Thinking you've got a REALLY funny joke for a website, but realising too late that....it's actually er,......oh.....that........... .........uh, never mind. (Jo: "All of a sudden the badger-head man doesn't seem so stupid, does he?"). |
| Christien, Tooting |
Dear Jo, Listened with pleasure to your piece on Radio4 some weeks ago now, and was trying to access the " list of things that irritate!" In a few weeks I've got a discussion group talking about anger, and I thought it would be great to utilize some of our observations if that would be alright. A sense of humour is a good weapon. Best Wishes, Robin |
| Robin, ??? |
| Having my only pair of trainers nicked from my tent at Sesswn Fawr this year. Unique american yellow strip and silver climacools. |
| Jo (no relation), Chester |
The fact that no-one knows why badgers have stripey heads. (Jo: "There's nothing I can say to this!"). |
| Alan, Liverpool |
| Those damn yellow folders that our Admin department use to put our post in. |
| Lesley, Pyramid, Warrington |
| Arthur Williams from Sarajevo. |
| Ellen Degeneres, California, USA |
Ellen Degeneres. |
| Arthur Williams, Sarajevo |
| Girls who leave the seat down. |
| Peter, Suffolk |
People saying 'toilet' when they mean 'lavatory'. People who have no manners. People who have no consideration for others. People. |
| Count Josef von Barnich, London |
Saw you on Sunday - I sat between the Geneticist- which helps your Radio 4 demography rating , and the gay boy band lad (actually he turns out to be an actor. (I did the gibberish on computers) Thoroughly enjoyed whole festival. What annoys me: "No satisfactory explanation for why there are three condoms in a packet?. |
| Richard Owen- (though aka Dick ), Glossop |
Parents who let their children run wild screaming everywhere. |
| Monica, US |
Natasha Kaplinsky (BBC Breakfast) reporting from Kenya. According to her, Tesco is saving the world from poverty (had she ever had a brain this one?). People who claim Great Britain is great but who have never lived abroad. People who go to Ibiza on holidays. People who get annoyed at traffic Jams?get yourself a bike! Blonds with big (fake) boobs, I'd put them all in a concentration camp ... and friends who say they'd love to join the same concentration camp. Bothering having sex but not getting an orgasm (arrghh, puts me in the worse mood). My posh neighbours who walk their dogs in the private gardens but get them to shit in the public park. ParcelForce customer service. |
| Marina, Edinburgh |
Thought you were fab. Great show. Thanks. We don't like: People who go on Big Brother and use it as a way to launch a career in television. People who use comedy as a stepping stone to a job as a TV presenter. Not enough funny women on TV (u would be gr8!) We also hate people who write in text! (Rebecca!) Media whores. (Jo: "Media whores? Yes, I'm with you on this one. Remember; if it walks like whore, talks like a whore and looks like a whore... then it's Paris Hilton.") |
| Alan, Adrian, Susan, Nicola and Becca., Highbury Corner, London |
Synthesised voice call centres, with five option levels before you get to talk to a human being. Especially those that are prefaced with 'Calls may be recorded for training purposes'. Also call centres in India where you have you ask the operator to spell his/her name before you can address them, and when you do you can never make them understand your problem. I now will not use insurance companies who utilise these foreign call centres. In fact I recently arranged some insurance with SAGA, and ask first if they had a call centre in the far east. "We don't go any further east than Folkestone" said the girl transacting my business. |
| John Richards, Louth, Lincs |
People who press the pedestrian crossing button repeatedly in the belief this will make the green man come quicker. |
| Dan, Edinburgh |
Uncomfortable chairs. Subsidising the Royal family. Living under a flight path. People who sneeze on their hands and then shake hands with you. They are bastards. People who spell 'Windsor' without the D. The fudge shop opposite the Castle. Women who have tattooes above their arses (from Pissed Off Bloke). People spelling my name wrong (from Paula). People who say "Like you know what I mean" or "as you do" after everything they say (from Rhodri). Parents who bully their children because they think it's their right as a parent (from Fi). My soon to be ex-husband. People who collapse onto the train seat next to you and make your whole body shake! |
| Audience Members, The Corner Bar, Windsor |
| Pet shops. Or rather, the lack of pet shops on the high street. There used to be loads of them, windows full of puppies, kittens, goldfish. And now they're all gone. So how are children today meant to learn about death? |
| Michaela, London |

