There’s an annoying young lady at work, who repeatedly says my full name, and it’s certainly not because she fancies me. She’s annoying the hell out of me with this psychological abuse and she knows it. However she’s the managers sister at my place of work and I’m the quiet polite type who was brought up to be quite mild mannered and I’ve quite frankly had enough. I really want to choke the life out of the annoying bitch, so I thought I’d share this with you.

Ok I must admit, that although I pass by a flock of goats most days, I’ve not really taken much note of their bums. Thinking about it (more so than is reasonable) if I were to be trapped on an island with just Cherie and some goats. I’d get a lot of exercise chasing nanny about the place.

I’d also like to mention Maidstones very own temporary traffic light festival. This can be found on many roads in and around the town. It’s an annual event that runs from the 2nd of Jan to the 24th of Dec.

Dear Chedge…
It was John Lydon who said “Anger is an energy”, not John Lyden.
John Lydon sang with the Sex Pistols and PIL.
John Lyden is a graduate of Rowan University’s vocal performance program. A former student of Ms. Marian Stieber and Dr. Eugene Simpson, John’s professional experience includes years of professional solo work in the Philadelphia metropolitan area, several ensemble performances at Carnegie Hall under the direction of both John Rutter and Jonathan Wilcox and various roles in operas, straight plays and musicals. Amongst them are Papageno in Mozart’s The Magic Flute, Baron Zeta in The Merry Widow, and Victor Velasco in Neil Simon’s Barefoot in the Park.
It’s a great shame that you’re wasting technology and emotional energy but getting your trivia wrong.
Have a nice day and please call again.
Jo

Women who buy things on eBay then never wear them.

(JO says: “Mister Nice!! What’s happening in the land down under?”)

I went on ebay yesterday, and ended up buying neon yellow skinny jeans!
I mean, I am NEVER going to wear them! WHY DID I BUY THEM?

Meh… it seemed like a good idea at the time.

For the last couple of months I’ve been scouring the lonely hearts columns, looking for a sweet, sweet girl to, you know, stalk.
Hey they’re lonely – they’re probably glad of the attention!
But I’ve been noticing, you can tell a lot about the person, not just by their advert, but also by the paper they choose to put it in.
If you look in the Guardian on a Saturday, their ads are always quite gentle, but with a hint of wooliness and quiet desperation:
“Two Vegan social workers, looking for two New Labour lads, for a helping hand at the donkey sanctuary.”
Whereas Loot, in contrast, takes the more sophisticated approach:
“Pervert needs filthy slut for spanking!!”
You miss out in England, you really do, ‘cos in Scotland we have a similar paper called SuperMart. It’s like Loot, used cars, accommodation, that sort of thing; But the people that advertise in the Lonely Heart’s column of Supermart have such low expectations of life:
“Glasgow man, seeks woman. Or nearest offer.”
“Will accept part exchange for a Vauxhall Nova”
At least it’s honest, some of these adverts get material. Women are the worst, they seem to be looking for love, but really, something else is going on….
“Hello, I’m looking for a lovely, sweet, caring professional…. with his own house… car… yacht and Swiss bank account… No DSS.”

I have a slap list, people I would slap should I ever meet them, vying for first place is Robbie Williams and Philip Schofield, others include Myleene Klaas (ugh - why do people think she is good looking), Victoria Beckham(double ugh) and many others.

And where did Gary Rhode’s sudden posh accent come from??

(JO says: “I’ve got a slap list. Its official title is the London Telephone Directory but it serves the same purpose.”)

I know it might not seem much, but I can get really annoyed trying to get a Weetabix out of the plastic packaging without having to get the vacuum cleaner out afterwards.

Years ago, it was wrapped in that lovely waxy paper, and was almost a joy to open.

Oh I know it’s an old chestnut but it’s the apostrophe thing. And the plural thing. And their and they’re. And your and you’re. It’s being mentioned all the time but nobody takes a blind bit of notice. It’s not hard to understand! What’s even worse are the cretins who think it’s forgivable. “But you know what they mean.” No I bloody don’t! Why should I have to re-read a sentence half a dozen times to work out what it means just because you couldn’t be *rsed to learn to spell. And don’t go whining about being dyslexic because you can spell the other words perfectly well. You’re just plain lazy.

And it’s “could have” not “could of”. Gggnnnngghghh

Not poor, not rich, but everything I want is always tantilysingly out of my grasp ( including knowing how to spell).

(JO says: “I was thinking…
If you were desperate and you needed to get your hands on some money, instead of “doing” a bank-job – why not “do” Dragons Den?
Think about it. There’s 5 of them, they’ve each got 200,000 in front of them, that’s a million pounds sitting right there.
Go in, say you’ve got an invention to show them – then smack that Theo Paphitis in the face! And then Deborah Meaden, give her a slap! By now Peter Jones would be running around in a tizzy and crying.
The only one you’d have to watch out for is Duncan Bannatyne – because he made his money in the ice cream business in Glasgow and we all know what that means.
Oh, and give Deborah Meaden another slap on the way out.”)

When you are different and people put a label on you saying that you are for instance “gay” or “retarded” even if you are very nice and helping! then they just repeat how “gay” you are and tell their firends about how “gay” you are and you dont have anybody on your side to back you up!!!!!!

The advert with the old woman telling us how wonderful a certain denture adhesive is when she does a gig.
When she does a gig!
I had no idea Cocoon the musical was on tour.
Cheerio.

1. SAINSBURY’S!! for a project, I needed 5 minutes in their store to measure a checkout, and after having sent in 3 letters, several e-mails, making 6 or 7 phone calls and many personal visits… totalling 4 weeks, telling me no! this was made slightly better though, when Tesco allowed it and fully arranged it within 5 minutes max.
So, try something new today, SHOP AT TESCO!

2. Public places that clearly have marked 2 different bins, one for rubbish, and one for plastic for recycling… the fact that people still put it all in one bin…

3. Incompetance in certain people who still dont know how to pronounce the company you work for, even though you’ve been telling them for 3 years.

4. Windows Vista. I think that doesn’t need detailing.

5. People who swear between every other word. Theres no need for it, unless you have tourettes, or an I.Q. less than 5.

6. People who go on about something simple, but dont do anything about it. e.g. “I need a shave” WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME? GO HAVE ONE!

7. People that ask you how you are, but dont really care.

8. When the parents compare your results to your cousin who did ever so slightly better.

9. Spoilt brats that have to have everything their own way, and seriosuly complain when something minor doesnt go their way.

10. Stupidly thick comments. e.g. “whats the difference between the C. of E. and the Church of England?”

11. Someone trying to reply to the stupid comments “not too sure, because my mum is catholic”.

12. Facebook wall’s. Is it not a bit primitive to write on someone’s wall?

13. Facebook Superwall. Whats the point? I’ve already got a wall someone’s written all over.

14. Weather on T.V. why do you need to tell me? If its raining, I’ll look outside, and if you say its raining, it probably isn’t.

15. People who watch sport on T.V. shouting instructions to the Atheletes. “THEY BLATANTLY CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

16. Vegetarians. You’re point’s not getting across. The animal is killed either way. If you choose not to eat it, then, thats a waste of good food.

17. Bad Design of mobile phones. some are just poor, they snap after a week because their so thin, and the keys are too small to press with your fingers.

18. Covers of originally amazing songs ruined by other artists, or MTV mash-ups.

19. People who say lasagne with an ‘r’ in the middle. Its like they’re saying I cant afford their friendship.

20. People who ask you for help without even attempting it themselves, or paying any attention when you do decide to help.

Gary Glitter! He’s 62 and he’s having sex with 12 year olds.

I gave that shit up when I was 19.

Okay 22.

That advert they keep playing on radio and television where they sing that song about “Knock Off Nigel”.
If I can buy DVD’s for two quid each, I’m f***ing buying them.
In my local pub when OUR version of Knock Off Nigel comes in, we all buy him a drink.
And he sells music CD’s. Same deal. Two quid a CD.
Anyway, this is Britain. We love a lovable rogue. The most successful sitcom in Britain in the last 30 years was Only Fools And Horses. Del Boy Trotter was the original Knock Off Nigel.
DVD companies can’t have it both ways. They can’t say “Don’t you love watching Del Boy sell stolen gear? Why not buy the complete series” and at the same time say “oh you shouldn’t buy knock off DVD’s”.
Wouldn’t it be ironic if you got arrested for buying a bootleg copy of an Only Fools And Horses DVD?
I’d sue the makers of Only Fools and Horses for corrupting my mind. Its nearly worth doing it and going to court.
When are you coming to Bristol? If you have a DVD I’ll buy it.

(JO says: “Every CD has that little sticker - “Home Taping Is Killing The Music Business” and I think: Good! I’ve heard Coldplay – I want the music business to die.”)

I want plain old boring porn - A MAN and A WOMEN!! Not… granny porn, midget porn, teens gone wild porn, porn with girls with braces (creepy :(, anal porn, group porn, gay porn, clown porn, animal porn, all girl porn, foot fetish porn, all blowjob porn, cartoon porn, any porn that mentions the words “mommy” or “daddy” (just ewwww!)….
— and another thing, I hate it when the girl seems completely disinterested. If I don’t feel like the girl is into it, then I can’t get into it. Either way, to each his own - I’m just annoyed that PLAIN old porn is so hard to find :(

(JO says: “Thanks for sharing.”)

People who don’t help save the environment.
Every week I put Heat magazine, Hello magazine and OK magazine into the recycling bin…
…the newsagent says I should pay for them first - but hey, “cut out the middle man!”, that’s my motto.

Hello Jo you are a googlewhack

(JO says: “I have no idea what this means.”)

Parents in half term who think their 6-7 year old children want to go the shopping centres. They obviously dont. They are dragged kicking and screaming, the little brats.
I was disgusted today to find a young mother of twin 6ish boys in Anne Summers buying kinky underwear for valentines day, allowing her boys to pick up rampant rabbits from the shelf?!
I was a sad cow, and asked the shop assistant to have them removed. In london you need ID to get into the sex toy section dont you?? well not in Norwich. That explains….

Sarah 19 Appauled Pharmacy student

(JO says: “One of my favourite stories from last year was in the Metro newspaper…

I bet that U.S. spy satellite will annoy, by not crashing on Tony Bliar’s head. Arrogant slimy bastard deserves it. President of Europe! I would’nt want him in charge of my washing basket.
Also why do some people feel OK to drive with half their lights not working. Too tight to buy a bulb, go crash into a tree.

My cousin put some Norton Anti Virus Security software on his laptop.
It didn’t work.
He was crossing a road and got hit by a bus.

(JO says: “Badda boom!”)

The guy with the moustache in the corner shop who wrote “Calendar’s, £2.99”.

(JO says: “I don’t get it. Am I missing something?”)

I was doing some babysitting and you know that saying “kids say the funniest things”?
Well they don’t.
They just talk a load of bollocks!

Now “drunk kids” - they really do say funny things.
If you happen to leave your glass of wine by the side of the chair, and you go through to the kitchen, you come back and baby Daniel has knocked it back – they are hysterical!

I saw someone dressed up like a chicken outside Car Phone Warehouse in Basingstoke.
They were jumping up and down and waving their arms at the traffic.
I don’t know if they were affiliated to Car Phone Warehouse or if they were just someone who craves attention…
It was hard to tell.

I’m not so much ‘angry’ as confused.

My husband went on and on for months about getting a ‘high definition television’ and how it would “enhance our viewing pleasure”.
We’ve had it two weeks and so far the only thing I can see it doing is providing sharper pictures of the same old absolute dross!
Why are there so many repeats on BBC?
What do they use my license fee for??

The moron who thought hanging wind chimes outside his home in a built up area of this town was a great idea. Now I’m popping Kalms like there’s no tomorrow all because of his complete disregard for his neighbours sleep and mental health.
I’d also like to add the local Mental Health team to the list, for failing to have the man sectioned and implying I could be the one with the problem!! Cheers, Jo!

I will never buy a Halifax ‘product’ whilst they perpetuate making 15-minute stars of their sad bank employees.
And don’t mention ‘Uncle Tom’ Howard - I can just imagine him in his branch being fawned over by the old women that come in, then behind the scenes he’s being a proper ignorant bastard to some minion who’s corporate scarf isn’t on straight.

I read recently that just before his death in 2003, Adam Faith’s last words were, “Channel 5 is all shit, isn’t it? Christ, the crap they put on there. It’s a waste of space”. I reckon that a truer word has never been said.

And adults who are critical about Harry Potter, when the whole damn thing is supposed to be for kids. Mind you, I still find it annoying to see adults reading the bloody books.

Jordan being named woman of the year by Cosmopolitan magazine.

Jodi Marsh must be spinning in her pig sty.

First
Great
Western
AARRGGHH!!

I’ve decided that I don’t like this smoking ban after all beacuse it’s had the effect of filling the pavements outside various seedy pubs near me with sad crusties blinking in the unaccustomed afternoon light with their fags and copies of the Racing Post. Is this post too topical?

(JO says: “I always think the people standing outside the pub are like an advert for what it’s like inside.
Don’t like the advert? Don’t go in the pub. Saves a lot of valuable drinking time, doesn’t it?
Although “fags and copies of the Racing Post” could also be a description of Ladbrookes, Paddy Power or my Uncle George’s house.”)

Intolerant people.
If you think the Sudanese Government were over-reacting just because a teacher called a teddy bear Mohammad wait till they find out the bear is Jewish.

Rhydian. He’s going to win it. And we’ll all get the idea in our head that sub-operatic voices are somehow a Good Thing.
(I’m not very happy about that dancing programme either…)

Just to say first and foremost - thanks Jo for a very entertaining site!!
Okay - what does my head in are crowded shopping centres on a weekday. On the rare occassion I am off work, I am amazed and annoyed at how many mums are out pushing their scummy brats in the pushchair, how many toe-rags are hanging about outside bars and pubs, how many school children larking about on benches or hurling chips at auld ladies. Does anyone else know of this phenomenon within our town centres during the week - I mean why aren’t people at work? why aren’t the kids at school? why do so many scrote-y looking chav mums have so many kids (do men actually sleep with these foulmouthed dirtbags?) - Jo, help!!!

Teenage girls wearing ‘Play Boy Bunny’ gear, the majority of them don’t even know what it stands for!
It makes ya wanna go up to them, slap them and say ”That’s for Hugh Hefner, he says your not good enough!”
God, i hate them so much…

(JO says: “I don’t like the parents who dress their children in Play Boy / Play Bunny clothes.
Okay, the bunny logo looks cute - whether its on a pink glittery notebook, or tattooed on the bottom of an “ass-bitch” on a hip hop video.
But I just think, if a parent is dressing their daughter as a hooker / porn star maybe that parent shouldn’t be allowed access to their daughter.”)

People putting apostrophes in the wrong place.
Neds/Chavs whatever they call themselves.
People calling themselves ‘Punk’ because they have heard one Misfits or Clash song, and listen to My Chemical Romance, which to be honest, should be named “My Chemical Wank”.
R.M.P.S teachers who are also Protestant priests, bias views much?
Perverted old men… i mean, even if they weren’t old and perverted, whats to say that I’d even be interested in them?
People that come up to you in pubs/clubs and say “DO you support *football team*?” you tell them no and they instist that you do. If your so sure that i support them, why the f*ck did you have to ask?!

(JO says: “My Chemical Wank is a FANTASTIC name for a punk band! Let’s form one!! Who wants to play guitar?”)

I have no idea what I want to do in life =[

(JO says: “Could be worse. My friend hates his job and he’s a careers advisor.”)

People who are too quick to brand a person a racist after an ill-considered remark, often made in a state of futile frustration. Jane’s resort to base puerile name calling is likely due to a crisis of confidence reflecting issues of low self-esteem as a consequence of the academic under-achievement to which she was obliged by a childhood rife with deprivation and abuse. The seemingly racist taunt is then nothing more than senseless jabber from a shallow mind. It would be kind to pity her terrible feebleness-of-mind and explain in the softest terms that your Irish ancestry simply has no bearing on your ability to antagonise her evidently well-placed sense of self loathing. Of course with such a low-minded subject, you will probably need to repeat the advice many times in very simple terms and allow Jane’s subconscious to form an association that might override the primitive cognitive functions that compel her to abuse. Ultimately, a simple mantra-like chant could prove effective: “Jo – funny – Irish – irrelevant – Jo – funny – Irish – irrelevant – etc.”.

(JO says: “Nigel Clark, Nigel Clark. Where would we be without you?”)

What has happened to TV adverts?
They used to be the best thing on, but now they just suck. And who exactly are they aimed at – if you’re the kind of person to shop at Iceland just because Kerry Katona tells you to, then you probably shouldn’t be allowed out by yourself should you?
Speaking of Kerry Katona, did you hear that she was held at knife-point? That just about sums up everything that’s wrong with this country … too many people leaving jobs half-done.

That I’ve just spent the last 30 minutes reading through the Paul Stanley rants…

Jo Caulfield - blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah with her snot nosed, smarmy, looking down her bog trotting Oirish nose blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

(JO says: “Dear Jane,
It’s called Comedy and the lines are called Jokes.
The reason I know so much about and can laugh at Argos is because I shop in Argos.
I’ve never been to Knightsbridge or Harrods but if I had I would be writing jokes about them.
I would have apologised until I read your line about “her snot nosed, smarmy, looking down her bog trotting Oirish nose” and then I realised you’re a racist.
A racist who obviously can’t take or understand a joke.”)

People who moan that they are tired because they chose to go to bed really late after getting totally wasted.
Some people are tired because they have really stressful jobs, tiring illnesses (especially back problems which are exhausting!!!!!), long days at work or have to stay up late studying because they are struggling with their degree course.
Why do I always find a really annoying tit who was just raaaving it up all night and expects sympathy from me.
at least you had the energy to leave your flat last night.
mucho love Jo xx

When you’ve been really looking forward to your favourite act coming to your home town, you’ve persuaded five friends that they’ll never laugh as much as they will when they see her, you’ve talked your boss and his wife into coming and you’ve even told your wife that you and she are going to see Jo because she’s so funny and not just the witty piece of eye candy you go on about, Jo cancels ‘cos she’s filming in America! Hope you rearrange the gig Jo. Good luck with the filming.

(JO says: “Alan I am so sorry. I had the tour all planned, posters printed, leaflets distributed then… I got offered some TV work I just couldn’t turn down! Rather than drop dates here and there I decided to cancel the whole tour and hopefully rebook it for early next year. Sorry. Sorry.”)

I find it really annoying when close elderly relations say, before their birthday, ‘don’t waste your money buying me a present’, and, ‘I told you not to bother!’ when you do. You know very well that if you hadn’t bothered, they would have wallowed in self pity for weeks.

Also, why do some old people live in fear of the dreaded ‘estimated’ gas bill, even going as far as declining an offer to be taken for a trip out to the Garden Centre for the afternoon, because ‘the man’s coming to read the meter!’

Arsehole neighbors who think grass cuttings and old carpets are good things to burn.
Just about everybodys loud snot nosed kids.
Bird flu, for not coming good and thining the population out a bit.

Slugs and spatial awareness… separately, but they’ve both been bugging me this week.
I was in a deli yesterday and saw they were selling escargots. This was a kit comprising* a bag of empty shells and a tin of, so they claimed, snails. I don’t know about you, but if I see something that looks like a snail minus its shell, I don’t think I’m seeing a homeless snail, I think I’m seeing a SLUG. My bet is that there’s a factory turning out plastic snail shells and, somewhere, someone’s making a fortune from slugs.
Also, I think we need to have a national spatial awareness week. This would be an opportunity to train people not to:
1. Step off the pavement in front of my car.
2. Walk with their mates across the pavement, giving me no room to pass without stepping off the pavement.
3. Leave their supermarket trolley across the aisle, blocking my way.

*… ‘comprising is a word that can annoy me too. I find it really irritating when people say ‘comprising of’. It’s either ‘comprised of’ or just ‘comprising’.

(JO says: “Remember, if it walks like a SLUG and talks like a SLUG - it’s probably Paul Burrell.”)

Tried to get on to this site today in school, and it was restricted….

Yesterday I was coming out of Ross Noble listening to somebody critersize him. I wish people would understand that in comedy you will always be offending somebody, no matter what…. I hate people who get all angry and annoyed just over a couple of little things…

(JO says: “Clever. I see what you did there. Very clever.”)

Sorry something else just crossed my mind-the fact that The Men They Couldn’t Hang are singularly one of the most fantastic band ever to have come out of Britain and hardly anyone knows about them. Scandalous.

The self-satisfied, but totally unaware hippy-type who didn’t know me at all and who was also NOT qualified in any kind of medical discipline, but still felt perfectly justified in giving me unwelcome advice. On learning that my mother was having chemotherapy she patronisingly told me that chemo was “really unnecessary and destructive” and suggested Mum just tried “eating more broccoli instead”. Of all the things that have made me angry in the whole forlorn process of watching someone you love die of an awful disease, this supposedly innocent comment is still one that has the power to make me want to throw things. In my more evil moments I want to find the girl again and say I took her wise counsel and stopped the chemo and would like her expert advice about what we should do next, particularly now Mum has stopped breathing. It would be interesting to see if, in her opinion, broccoli not only has tumour-retarding properties but also has the power to resurrect.

Here’s another annoying memory from the distant past.
These days a trip to see the doctor isn’t too bad, what with appointments, almost polite receptionists, good magazines (there was even a copy of Mojo the last time I went), your name displayed on the LED screen when it’s your turn, and doctors who actually speak to you on pretty much the same level. It was a different story when I was kid back in the late 50s. There were no appointments; you just had to wait your turn with everyone else in a packed (in the winter there was a one bar electric fire) waiting room. If there were any magazines at all, it would be Peoples Friend or the Angling Times. When you arrived you would have to join the queue at a small frosted glass hatch, which had a ‘DO NOT KNOCK ON THIS WINDOW ‘sign on it, which would be opened intermittently, whenever it took her fancy, by the most miserable old bag you could imagine, and, after giving your name, you would be told to take a seat. You would then have the embarrassment of having to get everyone’s attention and ask things like, ‘Was that lady before you?’, ‘Are you seeing Dr Davies?’ ‘Am I after you?’, because you had no idea when it was your turn. Also, there were three little lights in a row on the wall, one for each doctor, which would flash, just once, when the buzzer sounded. If you didn’t quite catch which one it was you would then sheepishly look at everyone else, praying that somebody had. When you did finally get to see him (no female GP’s in those days), he would be sitting behind his desk, invariably in tweeds, smoking a pipe, and would proceed to address you in an extremely patronizing manner. I can even remember one occasion, when, as I walked in, he was practising his golf stroke! You would think that once you’d got your prescription that would be the end of it. But no, you then had to get back in the queue and wait until the old witch opened the hatch again, where she’d snatch it from you, stick her rubber stamp into the inky pad and give it a furious seal of approval. Mind you, we was happy then!

(JO says: “Paul, you need a hobby. No, seriously, you NEED a hobby.”)

Mothers who stuff their toddlers mouths with crisps the bus. Usually Monster Munch, usually Pickled Onion, always more annoying than the old lady sitting behind you sucking on a Werthers Original.

And the old lady sitting behind you sucking on a Werthers Original.

This is my entry on the Zimbabwe debate section of BBC News Have Your Say:

This is insane, now I do not pretend to be an expert on politics or world affairs, but consider this:
America enters Iraq supposedly to rescue people from a life of tyranny as part of its “war on terror”. G-Dubya just waded on in there in spite of opposition from the UN.
NOW, I just watched a video of a baby losing it’s hair and skin from malnutrition among other horrors and blatant flouting of human rights and democracy. Where is G-Dubya now? That glorious bastion of human rights on his armoured charger?
Could it be that because America has no “interest” (I could sling a lot more mud here regarding certain arms manufacturing corporations and certain shareholders but I won’t) That they aren’t bothering?
In my opinion this world is a corrupt sewer full of corruption and self-serving gravy train riding blinkered, head in the sand hypocrites in power. (And that’s just the civilised parts)
Forget the sanctions, Mugabe and his Mob will just loot themselves more brandy and cigars until the whole country just implodes, but why wait fo this to happen? It is the poor who will suffer under the weight of sanctions. Come on G-Dubya (our hero) let’s see some more of that “humanitarian” spirit of yours!
Yes and that goes for you too Mr Brown!
Yours in despair, Carl.

Internet pop-ups
Not just that though, the pop-ups that say “Sorry, this offer is not available in your area, redirecting you in 3, 2, 1…”
I didn’t want the original sodding offer! So why ram your second-rate redirection down my throat 20 times a day before making my computer crash from trying to add too many pictures of “hot babes” or instant win offers?
I wouldn’t want you’re shit porn even if I wasn’t fucking gay
Tossing toss pots

This isn’t just a now thing, it ALWAYS irritates me… woman that do their makeup in public, usually on the train/tube. Sitting there pulling all sorts of stupid faces, staring at themselves in a small mirror before adding on the tenth layer of mascara, tweezing hairs from their eyebrows and noses (yes, I have seen this!), elbowing whoever is sat next to them. GET UP EARLIER!!!
My favourite game if found next to someone doing this is to occasionally “accidentally” nudge them or move in my seat in hope they will smudge something across their face :D
Once a woman did her makeup, then her hair (yuk!) and I finally snapped when she pulled perfume out of her bag… needless to say she didn’t spray it on the train once I’d pointed out to her where I would put the bottle if she did!!!

Getting a message like “Sorry, we were unable to add your entry for the following reasons:
Security code was incorrect. Please press BACK on your browser and re-enter the security code.”
Name is too short
Location is too short
Message is too short
The security code was correct and why is London too short? Should I have said, Lovely London, or perhaps Stinking filthy And Ridiculously Expensive London, or should all that be one word?
Is my name Klax too short, how about Rumplestiltskin?
Anyway Jo is even shorter.

(JO says: “Sorry Klax/Rumplestiltskin, I usually update the Angry And Annoyed section everyday but I’ve been out of the country and didn’t have access to a PC. By the way I completely agree with everything you said about the BBC. Apart from that you’re a dick.”)

The fact that Radio One, paid for out of the Licence fee has been nothing more than an advertising platform for the products of the music business, the owners of which have become obscenely rich.

The fact that the BBC pays Camelot for the privilige of putting on the Lottery programme. Its nothing but an advert for the lottery. Camelot should be paying the BBC (is there a theme developing here?)

The BBC being criticised by the Government for not telling the truth.

People who go on about the BBC.

On holiday recently I saw a young British couple in a bar, giving their 8 year old sibling (who was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with ‘If You Think I’m A Bitch, You Ought To See My Mother’), sips of lager! What’s that all about? It’s as if they are saying, ‘come on, get it down yer neck, you’ve got to get used to it, you’ll be drinking gallons of the stuff when you’re older!’ Don’t people realise it might be possible that kids actually enjoy being treated like children!

This lousy wet summer because a lot of my time has been spent killing these ginormouse bloody slugs. It was suggested I try putting some beer out for them. No such luck so the cosequences being it has made me so depressed at the devastation these bastards have caused with my crop of fruits and vegetables I have taken to drinking the beer myself to try to lift my spirits.The moral being these bastard slugs have got gloriously fat and I am now an alocholic. Oh well best get down to the off licence before it closes tarra X

On my 16th birthday my mother took me aside and told me I was adopted. It was very traumatic – because I found out she was lying.

My Grandmother recently died. The first thing we did was sell her house and I got a couple of thousand.
I bought one of them sofa-beds, you know, a couch that folds out into a bed. I didn’t really want one but I felt sorry for my grandfather. He’d nowhere to sleep.

I went to a casino last night. I got so drunk I thought the vending machine was a fruit machine. I was there for 2 hours. I won 4 packets of crisps and a twix.

Dan Brown’s Davinchi Code. I’m on page 47 since summer 2005…

…and saying “true fact” these two words mean exactly the same.

I’ve started, so I can’t stop…
Rattus rattus - so good they named it twice.

Everyone who says PIN Number.
Get this, PIN = Personal Identification Number.
PIN Number = Personal Identification Number Number.

PARENTS!! I mean come on, I swear that parents are just there to annoy the living daylights out of anyone!! I’m 18 and just about to move off for university, and i’m leaving my home, and family behind….YES!!! No more annoying and embarasing times for now! I know some of you will be saying ‘He’ll be back home in a Fourghtnight to do his laundry and get dinner’, But when i have a 4 hour train ride home, I think that’s quite unlikely. Imagine me sat on a train, Laundry piled high in the seat next to me, skipping lectures so i can get a home made meal and be lazy! I don’t think so! and I hate these people that say that education’s getting easyer, I worked my Butt off to get what?! a D and 2 fails and they say they’re getting easyer?! I’d like to see them have a go! People can get so cocky sometimes….End of rant, carry on with your Buisness

(JO says: “Embarasing and Fourghtnight - concrete proof that education is not getting EASYER.”)

Totally agree with Kerri and religious nutters. I remember when I was a kid, a knock at the front door and following my dad down the hallway to answer it. It was a crowd of Jehovah’s Witnesses who said, ‘We’ve come in search of the Lord’. To which my atheist father (my mother was an Irish Catholic, confused childhood or what?) replied, before slamming the door, ‘I’m sorry, he’s not in!’

The whole 10 year anniversary thing about the death of Lady Di…do we REALLY need to see the funeral again??
And if so then has enough time passed so we can change from ‘Candle In The Wind’ by Elton John to something more appropriate like ‘Crash.Bang,Wallop,Flash..What A Picture’ by that lovable entertainer Tommy Steele?

People who don’t keep their websites up to date.
By the wasy Jo, where can we see you in the next few months?

(JO says: “I’ve just got back from the Edinburgh Festival. I’ll have my diary up to date by Friday.”)

Embarrassing farce
I know farce is supposed to be implausible, but I always find it uncomfortable if it jumps about in the realms of pure fantasy. Take the IT Crowd on Channel Fooer the other day; I couldn’t. In response to an alleged theft, a policeman not only appeared promptly offering more than a crime reference number, but he actual took notes and conducted enquiries. Surely this is too far a stretch for our suspension of disbelief.

I recently turned 60, and I hate it!
Being 59 was a whole lot better, because I’m now finding out that, paradoxically, I am entitled to things I really, really, do not want to be entitled to, but that are actually beneficial to me, like a bus pass and 200 quid towards my fuel costs for the coming winter. Because I’ve never been able to resist anything that’s free, I used my bus pass for the first time last week, to make the 16 mile journey to Stoke-on-Trent (well, you only live once!). But, because it stops at ‘every hole in the hedge’, it took over an hour, in which time I could have been there and back in the car. I was quite hoping the driver would look at me and question the validity of the pass, but of course, he didn’t. In fact, I was with my 11 year old son, and one old lady asked him if he was having a day out with his granddad. Help?

Religious nutters!
I don’t mean the normal religious people who go to church/mosque/a mountain in Tibet, they are ok, they keep themselves to themselves…I mean the freaks that “spread the word of the Lord” by shouting on the streets.
That chap that used to be in Covent Garden and then the Piccadilly area now has followed me to Stratford! Will I never get peace from him???
Today was a classic tho, religious woman informing us of our sins and how everyone in the UK was going to hell as I was attemping to buy my daughters birthday present. Several people told her to go away or shut up, to which she responded by shouting back at one man and being all agressive…
…am pleased so say she didn’t take too kindly to me telling her she just made the baby Jeeeesus cry by showing anger :)
FA x
PS top show in Edinburgh and a pleasure to get to chat to you afterwards and confuse lots of women with the whole toilets thing :D

BBC reporters (yes even the BBC is guilty) of asking people stupid, loaded, on sided questions e.g. re the recent floods - Interviewer’s typical question to person who has just had house flooded “So tell me - you must be really upaset about this - how do you feel?” “Great thatnks - I’ve just lost all my posessions - how do you think I feel?!!”

I know I’ve moaned about repetitive TV before, but how come whenever someone gets a successful idea for a TV prog, they just keep repeating it to the point of overkill? Celebrity chefs, wife swaps, house makeovers, relocations, filthy houses, tracing family trees and talent shows which try to make superstars out of someone who can just about carry a tune. Now every time you turn on the TV, it’s some bugger walking or climbing in the bloody Lake District!

1) complete DOBBERS who turn up last to a busy Fringe Show where there are OBVIOUSLY very few seats left and ask the usher “Have you got anything more central?” … get there early and queue like the rest of us if you want a good view of the marvellous people!

2)having got to the venue early to queue in a hot, cramped, faint inducing environment and hence earn (YES EARN) the right to choose one’s seat … ushers who have trained with the Hitler Youth and are intent on herding you into the crappiest seat in the venue so as not to leave any gaps … This is a rallying call to all Festival Goers … sit where you want, you are not a charity, you have PAID for your seat.

(JO says: “I totally agree with this. If you come to my show you can do what you want and sit where you want. Why not join me on the stage? Hey, you’ve paid the money - come on, do it!”)

Loved you on Just a Minute tonight- no YOU rock!

The staff at Primark irritate me. Especially in the Oxford Street Branch. I thought it was going to be the cheap bargains of Primark with the added class of a shop in central London- I could not have been more wrong. I was asked to put my clothes back on the rail because the fitting room attendant was going on a break. The place is a tip and then you put your own clothes back? are you kidding? and they get paid for that. sweet FA. Naturally I got an application form at the till.
much love
xxxxxxxxxx

Men with umbrellas when its raining. Why? I can undersatnd women with umbrellas when it rains because they’ve spent a lot of time, money and effort getting it to look good and if it gets wet we(the men) have to hear them moan about it for hours!! But men? First off we don’t have that much hair, and even if we do it’s usually short and manageable so it doesnt matter if it gets wet because we havent spent THAT long getting ready! And they dont even use proper umbrellas! They use those friggin huge golfing umbrellas!! WHY? It’s only water!! There’s only two people afraid of water: The Wicked Witch Of the West and Natallie Wood.
Oh and golfers, don’t get me started on golfers! They should all be hunted down to extinction as they paly the most tedious, useless, unimportant ‘pastime’ ever invented.
Peace.
Have a great day

(JO says: “The Natallie Wood joke was excellent! Didn’t see it coming then BANG! Loved it.”)

To me, Formula One Racing is so incredibly boring. Round and round and round and round, ’oh look at me, I can drive really, really fast!’ Also, being a bit of a tight arse who thinks buying a bottle of Asti Spumante is pushing the boat out; I can’t stand it when they stand on the podium, spraying top quality champagne all over the place. Bloody waste!

Ageism in the music business.
Shirley Bassey should’ve got higher than 37 and 47 in the charts this year. I heard there were problems getting The Living Tree played on Radio 1 and I think that’ s a pity because by putting ageist issues before playing music by a quality performer like Dame Shirley they could deprive today’s kids of hearing an excellent singer and genuine person as well as underrate the Dame herself.

“Please Jo, just tell me, is there anything a decent person can do to make the bank trip more comfortable? - Michael, Sheffield ”

Dear Michael,
Move to Surrey.
Best Regards,
John

(JO says: “That’s good. Sort it out between yourselves.”)

Those bloody picture loans adverts. ‘Dads found your scooter’ makes me cringe everytime.

Oh, and Richard Madeley, do think he might actually let one of his guests speak for themselves for once? !

And Dan Brown for writing the Da Vinci Code …..

Julian Clary and his big packet advert (for Direct Flooring) - Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
AND
Tony for Tile it All - “just say Tony from Tile it all sent you” - Bigger Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

What is the world coming to? I’m flabbergasted that the word ‘bollocks’ was said, not once but several times, on Radio 4’s Just A Minute today. Surely they shouldn’t get away with this? It’s repetition, isn’t it?

(JO says: “I’m on Just A Minute next week.”)

Look, this is a bit obvious but forgive me. Today is “pay bills in lunch hour” day, first the burtons store card (how middle class) then the bank credit card. Upon arrival into the lovely hsbc (always kept above 30 degrees c for customers discomfort), i see a total of two people serving and only one person in the queue. hurrah! i think….

..however…

…in just the one minute it takes to write out the credit card payment slip and count out 30 pounds in ten pound notes, the worlds entire population of change collectors, single mothers and the elderly emerge in the queue which now seemingly has no end. And surprise surprise, one cashier has buggered off, possibly to munch on a steak bake and talk to her idiot boyfriend about her mate soraya who called her a slag. bovvered.

Twenty minutes later, I’m still in the queue waiting to die. Please Jo, just tell me, is there anything a decent person can do to make the bank trip more comfortable?

ITV + Drama = Crap (Doubly so, if Robson Green is in it!)
Also, after seeing the Garnier Nutrisse ads, it’s really heartwarming to know that even with all the money she earns, Davina McCall still colours her own hair.

Bland noise pollution: Piped music with DJ "chat" whilst I'm queuing (yet again) at my local HSBC branch. How much Phil Collins can a person take?

This annoying memory from my distant past is 40 years old, but it makes me just as angry today as it did then.
I was a mod in the 60s and my top hero was the soul singer, Otis Redding, and I was very, very upset when he died in a plane crash in 1968. There used to be a programme on BBC television in those days that was the equivalent of Newsnight, it was called 24 Hours and the presenter was Cliff Michelmore. On the day of Otis Redding’s death, it was the last item on the show, and they showed a small clip of him in action, doing his famous ‘Gotta, Gotta, Gotta’, at the climax of one of his songs. Well, Mr. Michelmore didn’t seem too impressed, and, with a wry look in his eye, said, in a blatantly mocking tone of voice, ‘Well, apparently 'that' was the king of soul! Bloody prat!
It’s not surprising really, as he was responsible for producing a lot of 50s kids TV, namely ‘All Your Own’, presented by Huw Wheldon (who bore a striking resemblance to the child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang), who interviewed middle class kids from Surrey waxing lyrical about the joys of bell ringing, stamp collecting and making scale model boats out of matchsticks etc. In fact, Cliff was interviewed in the recent BBC series ‘Children’s TV on Trial’, and actually said ‘Children’s TV could have been a lot better in the 50s, we made a lot of mistakes’. He can say that again!

When my colleagues use the phrase "short like Gareth".
It's never "he's short" or "he's Gareth's height", its always "short like Gareth".
Bastards

Piers Morgan - Discuss.....

(JO says: "No discussion needed. He's a prick!")

(JO says: "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Paul 'Mr Angry 2006' Stanley! And he's determined to keep his crown...")

I have nothing against charity collectors, but I can’t stand it when they approach you, or rattle a tin in your face.
A very annoying tactic they are now using, which I witnessed in Sainsbury’s last Saturday, is deploying (with Sainsbury’s permission) one at every checkout, asking if you need any help with your packing. This is quite clever, as there is no escape.
Mind you, the most infuriating encounter I’ve ever had, was when I explained I hadn’t any change, and the collector actually tutted!

I also hate it when you are in a hurry, and bump into someone you know in the Supermarket. I have a set procedure to deal with this situation:
1) Have a conversation.
2) When you bump into them again by the Pot Noodles, have another, albeit briefer, conversation.
3) When you clock them yet again by the bread, quickly turn away and pretend (they are more than likely doing the same) you haven’t seen them!
The worst scenario is when you meet someone you used to work with, and when you go to introduce them to your wife, you realise you’ve forgotten their bloody name!

And I’ve just bought my lad one of those portable DVD players; the problem is the battery life is 2 hours, so when he watches Lord of the Rings, it has to be with a 5 hour interval!

Dear Jo,
I work from home (sort of) and my wife is a power dressing executive type at a big company.
What annoys me is that it's gone to her head and she comes home from work and starts delegating tasks to me. Just giving me jobs to to. And the worse thing is that by the time I realise she's doing it I'm already busy fetching and carrying.
Also she goes to a lot of big bossy meetings where they discuss market trends ,and sales figures and stuff. This means that at home she finds it impossible to be disagreed with. If I say 'no' to her or 'I disagree with your opinion on this or that' she gets very angry. I always feel like I'm going to get the sack.
What should I do?
Yours
Oppressed of Derby

(JO says: "Take it like the idiot you obviously are.
A 'power dressing executive type at a big company'? In Derby?
Are you drunk?")

When I go to McDonalds and ask for a Black Coffee, the person at the counter always asks if I want milk and sugar with it. Am I missing something or have McDonalds developed a special milk that doesn't turn coffee white when you add it to it.

(JO says: "Totally agree but I can’t believe your buying coffee from a big evil corporation like McDonalds when you should be supporting your local Starbucks.")

What is it with the price of diet coke in pubs? It's water pumped full of CO2 and assorted poisons. It doesn't attract excise duty but it invariably costs more than beer. All I can hope is that Chemical Ali takes the formula with him.
At least beer relaxes me whilst the caffeine in coke gets me really buzzing in a way that I've not experienced since, at the age of ten, I wondered whether wiring the output of my train set transformer across my temples could make my eyes wobble fifty times a second. Something I can't honestly recommend, although it comes a poor second to the 'setting fire to your bedroom' experiment.
The only good thing I can think of about drinking diet coke down the pub is that at least I go home with a pocketful of sparklingly clean small change.

Dear Jo,
It's been worrying me that you called me a stalker at the Holborn gig the other week, but I'm glad to be able to tell you that this is no longer the case.
What I've worked out is this: the difference between a celebrity stalker and a fan is that the latter has paid his membership fees. To this end I've set up "The Jo Caulfield Appreciation Society (Surrey) Ltd. and have paid myself £5 for my first year's dues. And it's worked - suddenly I feel clean again.
Yours sincerely,
John G
p.s. if anyone else needs their guilt assuaged and wants to send me a fiver, that's fine too.

(JO says: "Hi John, good to hear from you. You are not a stalker but then again I am not a celebrity. I'm a comedian-by-day and crime-fighter-by-night. £5? I'm going a bit cheap. All the best, Jo.")

Ungrateful women. It was the girlfriend's birthday last week. She loves reading, Pilates and shopping for clothes.
So I got her a book of pelvic floor exercises and some vouchers for Evans.
The keenly anticipated sex didn't materialize. She did say she would have to think hard about what to give me for my birthday though so I suppose that's something!

What the hell is the point of double sink vanity units in bathrooms?
Do couples really exist, who cannot bear to be apart from each other, even for a few minutes?
I can just see it now. ‘Darling, I’m just going to take off my makeup and squeeze a few blackheads, why don’t you come and have a shave, and maybe syringe your ears; we can have a nice little chat!’
It’ll be double lavatories next!

Jo Caulfield is fantastic!
Love your radio show soooo much
I'm still thinking I'd really want to be a comedian like you but I have trouble writing jokes and would probably be too nervous to go onstage.
Any advice?
Love Dean (Your No. 1 fan)

(JO says: "Hi Dean, thanks for that. Why not send me your email or phone number? I'll give you a ring and we can discuss it. Or come backstage and introduce yourself?")

GCSES! I have my last one tomorrow... but they are sooo horrible... Our whole future is decided on one test...

Now I'm even more angry and annoyed cos that one worked.

What I was trying to say is:

I'm amused, but I can imagine a certain high court judge might be annoyed and angrily wondering how come Stuart invented "unzip and illuminate" underpants on your show tonight on the very same day the judge had to show his Calvin Kleins in court to somehow prove he didn't expose himself on a train.

(JO says: "Well done John. And Stuart is happy to know there's at least one person in Britain paying any attention to him,")

After frequenting our new Tesco for a couple of months, I had my shopping trip down to a fine art. Being a typical ‘bloke’ shopper, I know exactly what I want, and where it is, and could be in and out of the place in 20 minutes flat.
However, when I went the other day I was dismayed to find that they’d had a big change around, and that most of the items are now on different aisles. When I asked a staff member why they had done this, I was told, ‘it’s to make it easier for the customer’.
Total bullshit! Easier my arse! It took me twice as bloody long!
The reason they do it is because people have to search for everything afresh, and might purchase things that they would not have normally spotted.
How they can insult our intelligence with, on the one hand being sly and sneaky, and on the other, expecting us to believe all the pseudo caring slogans like ‘Every little helps’, is completely beyond me.
I hate them!
The problem is, like everybody else, I have to shop there, even if it’s only because their 21p a packet chocolate digestives are just as good as McVities!

Thought your radio show was brilliant on Tuesday.
I would love to do what you do and be a stand up comedian.
Am buying your CD to study and learn from. If you get a chance can you sign it to Dean please. And your video clips are excellent. When are you doing more TV
Best wishes Dean

I went to a hypnotherapist to help me stop smoking. He put me in a trance where I felt numb, insensitive and unfeeling.

When I woke up I still smoked and I had an overwhelming desire to work for the Post Office.

Jo Caulfield
Only joking Jo, I think you're great and I've just ordered your new CD. Can you please sign it?
Thanks

Everything coming out in “Limited Editions”.
Its ridiculous. I even saw a limited edition choc ice bar (Magnum Extra)
How does that work? Are you going to keep it and save it away and one day let your grandchildren see your melted puddle of ice cream?

(JO says: "I agree, your husband is a complete idiot.
No-one is interested in British films nowadays.")

People that hate people they don't know. Someone like Angry George.

(JO says: "See that, that's clever. Cause you don't know Angry George, so you're doing to him what you've accussed him of doing to Keith Allen. That's good.I like that.
Better than all that other crap about Wasps.")

I've just read Tony Parsons new book.
And I didn’t like it at the beginning… or the middle… or at the end.

Why is it that you can buy a £2.99 kids toy that requires scissors, pliers and a screwdriver to open, but they still sell light bulbs in a thin cardboard box, exactly the same as did in the 1950s, that can easily break in your shopping bag.

Right now I was promised an ipod. I don't have that ipod. I'M FUCKING ANNOYED

(JO says: "Explaine?")

Jeremy Vine / Jeremy Kyle – anybody called Jeremy. (Pauline)
Putting my glasses on when my lenses are in already!! (Nick)
Being discriminated against at work (as a woman in a world run by men). (Sue)
Trying to get through to BT cust. Services & once you do you’ll still get transferred 3 times & they still need to phone you back as they can’t fix the “problem”. (Simon)
How my husband loads the dishwasher! (Eileen)
People with “too much hair”! (Jenny)
When people bail out on plans! (Amy)
Huge 4 x 4’s with just one person in. (Richard)
People that park on the pavement and you cannot walk past/get pushchair through. (Lynette)
Fat people on trains/planes. (Debbie)
The toilets here are tiny despite the huge room + you can’t turn around without knocking your legs on the loo or the tampon bin. (Sarah)
Old people at cashpoint machines. (Darren)
Smoking in restaurants (roll on July!) (Andy)
The clocks going back each year. (Clive)

Just two days until I meet my boyfriend for the very first time in Canada, I pull my neck muscle and now I can't move my head because the pain is so intense
AND
not only that, half of my head has gone red because of the stupid sun... I liked being pale!

(JO says: "Bauhaus, the Sisters of Mercy, The Mission, Dead Can Dance and Fields of The Nephilim were sitting in a graveyard at midnight.
All of a sudden Pete Murphy pulled out a knife and started slashing his wrists.
To which Andrew Eldritch turns round and said, "What are you celebrating?"

This joke is for Kirsty and no-one else. Love Jo x")

Getting my dates mixed up and missing you radio show! Also the fact that it is not on the "listen again" section of BBC radio webpage.

(JO says: "No, you're still two weeks early. My radio show starts Tuesday 5th June.
I'm sure it'll be on the "listen again" section for the following 7 days.
Hopefully we'll be putting series 1 & 2 on the website at some stage. Until then - you can read some of the lines from the new series in my latest Blog. Love Jo x")

Back in 2005 I went to see Little Richard at the Civic Hall in Wolverhampton. Halfway through the show I left my seat and went down to edge of the stage to try and get a photo. When I got his face in the viewfinder, I noticed he was shaking his head from side to side with a ‘don’t you dare’ expression’, sheepishly, I lowered my camera.
He then stopped the show, and, in front of the whole audience, proceeded to give me a right bollocking, accusing me of being a professional, taking pictures to sell on the internet. I tried to explain I had been a big fan for years, and had even bought one of his 78’s when I was 11 years old.
This seemed to fall on deaf ears, and as I skulked off he even yelled ‘he’s an old man and I bet he walks with a stick!’
Standing there, in that packed theatre, has got to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
In retrospect I should shouted back, ‘at least I haven’t got a stupid bloody mullet, and think it’s cool to wear gold pyjamas in public!’

(JO says: "What an embarrassment.
A night out in Wolverhampton!"

Did I make it clear I think Keith Allen is a complete wanker?

(JO says: "I did have to read between the lines but yes, I got the basic idea.")

Keith Allen.
I like the Clash. From 1976 to 1985 I bought all their records, went to their concerts, read their interviews. And I NEVER saw any pictures of Keith Allen.
Now the Joe Strummer movie comes out and Keith Allen is everywhere/in every picture! Is he trying to be cool by association?
Give it a couple of months and he'll leave the Clash Myth behind, like he did to his own Chav daughter.

"16yr old daughters who don't take their fucking contraception (Mike)"

Following on from this ... daughters who subsequently get arrested on a Saturday night and trash your entire Sunday getting them out of the Nick ... grrrr Adoption anyone?

People who ask me why I don't eat meat and then when I start to explain why they get a bit nauseous and tell me to shut up.
The story goes that I had chicken one night at a VERY well known eatery in York, (actually on a street called 'Whip-ma-Whop-ma-Gate) and when I cut into the thing I actually cut into a tumour! It exploded in blood and pus, went all over the table and I was converted henceforth.

(JO says: "No, I don't belive this. This is one of those stupid Urban Myths.
Everyone knows there are NO well known eatery's in York.")

FRANK LAMPARD. I hate the way he unbalances the England side. I hate the way he kisses his ring finger when he scores. I hate the big "I'm Frank Lampard" attitude when people critiscise him. I hate the fact he NEVER tracks back and tackles, leaving the dirty work for an Essien, Makalelele or Hargreaves.

But I do like that fact he has a face you really would never tire of punching.

I know you can watch something that is ‘so bad’, it is actually extremely funny, but surely that absolutely massive audience at the Eurovision Song Contest, who somehow manage to maintain a totally uninterrupted, manic, genuine enthusiasm for over 3 hours have got to be aliens!

Jo Caulfield not coming to Cardiff!

(JO says: "I'm happy to play anywhere. Contact your local comedy club and have them email me.

Until then, the new Radio 4 comedy series starts Tuesday 29th May.")

I can’t believe Bernard Matthews is using Spiderman to endorse his meat products.
What the hell is the link between dead bird flu turkeys, and a spider-based superhero?

(JO says: "Not interested in Spiderman. Or Superman. Or any of that superhero/Sci Fi rubbish.
I think Sci Fi fans go a bit far with all that dressing up as characters from the films and going to conventions.
You don’t see fans of Pretty Woman dressing up as businessmen and prostitutes and going out together do you?
Oh yeah Yates Wine Lodge.

The new Radio 4 comedy series starts Tuesday 29th May.")

Are you Elton John? Are you Bono? Are you Madonna, Michael Jackson or Angelina Jolie? If you can answer 'yeah I am' to one or more of the above questions I am the man for you.

I will break into your homes one fine, warm night whilst you sleep and kidnap you at gun point.
Once securely in my desert hideaway I will slowly and carefully, over a period of several weeks, explain to you that your life up to this point has been worthless and, if anything, harmful to the planet and those around you.
You seem to have this belief that by simply being rich and mildly creative you can solve the world's ills. In the very first second of our 'lecture' I will forcibly remind you of the simple equation that without poor people there can be no rich people and vice versa. Your wealth isn't simply drawn on paper by the kind people who deem it necessary to pay you. It doesn't just appear in your several bank accounts. It comes from other people. Ultimately, in this global economy, you are stealing bread from people's mouths all across the Earth. We have all heard the statistics, even if they differ slightly. However, suffice to say that around two percent of the world's population owns half the world's wealth. This means your riches are in direct opposition to the faux ideology you espouse to the press in order to further your own career.
You take children from their families and communities under the misconception you are helping them. You can afford to help the whole fucking village/city but because that might require a degree of real compassion and not look quite so good when you invite Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise round for your next bash you give it a miss. I will inform you that Africa (your current fixation) needs help from within and a sound infrastructure put in place in many of its countries not just cash thrown at it from sickeningly affluent sacks of shit like yourselves. Better still, you should become truly political without the need to appear on front covers, learn a bit about the background of the countries you are trying to help and provide aid to Africa on its own terms. It's not some poor desert state. It's a continent you fucking moron. Why rob a family of its child when you could afford to buy a school and a hospital for any place that needed it and ultimately help hundreds, if not thousands? I shall also tell you why. It is because you are a shallow, needy, mendacious c*nt bubble with all the empathy and understanding of Pol Pot (although who am I to judge?).
Finally, the last weeks will be spent reminding you that after all the chutzpah and kudos you are seen by many to demonstrate and deserve for your generous acts of kindness and generosity you retire to one of your several multi-million pound mansions to be waited on by servants whilst your newly acquired children get brushed away to your nannies of differing ethnic backgrounds. You do this for yourselves. Just because you have a multitude of people performing confidence building analingus on you doesn't mean you are as great as they tell you. You are a vapid, awful, insincere and generally unpleasant person who has lost all understanding of reality. Rather than carrying out misguided 'lifestyle choices' which affect real families and real cultures, after being advised by your latest 'guru', try and contemplate what offensive message you send out to the heaving, open-mouthed morass of your dim fans. Be ashamed. Learn. Do something that the cameras won't pick up on. Be a good person.
I can help you, at no cost. I charge no fee (although expenses would be appreciated as I don't earn more than God like you, ya c*nt).
Oh, and if you're Elton John I shall also create a specific sister course to deal with your misconception you are attractive and deserve to have a 14 year old's haircut when God clearly thinks otherwise. For anyone enrolling on the Michael Jackson course, I will have to end your life at the end of the module. It's just better that way.

University costs and the loans we are expected to take out...

I am 21 now and only in my first year at Uni. I have worked myself to the bone (60+ hour weeks anyone?) for several years including going through college after moving to the UK and not getting to finish High School in the USA. After 2 years of mind numbing lecturers and seemingly retarded fellow students, I was finally in a position to apply to the University of Herts for a degree in Motorsport engineering in 2005. I applied for loans and was told that all was well because I am a british citizen and my family hasn't two pennies to rub together. The summer of '05 went by and I worked harder than ever before. I was ready to start my serious education.

In the first week of september I gave my notice to my employers at the local village auto garage and began packing my belongings; but something very important hadn't arrived. I was less than two weeks away from moving into overpriced Uni accomodation and still hadn't recieved any written confirmation of my loans and bursaries, despite having to jump through a myriad hoops to get registered and submit the correct and required information to the government-run loans company! So I made a call only to be told by the surly scottish woman that I was, in fact, not eligible for a student loan until the next year (when I would have been resident in the country for 3 years)!!

I considered my options; defer my place for another year, or take out a personal loan for my first year's costs... After consulting the loans company, I was then informed that if i did the latter, I would not EVER be eligible for a proper student loan through them for the duration of my 5-year course!!! It was clear I had to wait another year.

As if the tuition rates were not hefty enough for a young man like myself with no money in my family, I was told that I would have to pay the next year's new tuition rates (£3000 compared to the previous £1175 per year), simply because I had to defer my place after the last day of August due to the loans company's poor communications!!!

To add several more swifts kicks to my testes, It is clear that the course has not changed in the least since the previous year, and even after paying more than double the previous rates, I still had to buy all my own books, paper, and even cd's and folders for submitting work!!

This year is now nearly over and I wonder how many people on my course have dropped out, or worse, are putting in just enough effort to get by with passes, who have been granted the same loans and bursaries several YEARS before i got to start! And I paid 22% basic rate income tax for years of work here so they could freeload? Not to mention all the sociology, media studies and english students who spend my hard earned money drinking at the Uni bar and will finish with useless degrees that weaken the value of my degree in the workforce, and who will eventually end up living on the dole (that I will be paying taxes for) anyway!!!

Maybe if all these so-called students went out and worked since they were 14 like myself, there would be some respect for people honestly trying to find a way from rags to a comfortable life through education and self-improvement?

And ignorant snobs here have the nerve to call me a lazy, money-draining student?

Truckers. Bastard Truckers.
Not only are they intent on abducting and murdering any hitchhicker that they happen to come across but it's also thier campaign to obliterate the rest of us from the roads. Bastards.
Call me intolerant but I seriously object to some moustached, side burned 17 stone twat in a 25 tonne killing machine forcing ME out of his way because in HIS bastard opinion he really does need to get past that other twatting lorry doing 0.5 mph slower than him.
It's their stupid 'Trucker's Safety Code' that pisses me off.
Excuse me but is it really that necessary to dangerously confuse the rest of us with a series of indications that defy common sense ? Is it really that necessary to take out your frustrations on not having a decent job by attempting to main and kill anyone in something smaller than your 16-wheel pretend cock ? It's not my fault that they're social retards!
I don't force them to spend their lives wolfing down trans-saturated shit in those revolting cafes, thereby increasing their girthlines and reducing their IQ in equal and opposite amounts. Do I force them to piss into coke bottles whilst driving and dump their fetid cess on the side of the road to be found by some unfortunate passer by later on? Is it my fault that you have to spend your evenings in the only pub in some god-forsaken shit hole in the very, very, very slim chance that you meet a female retard who you succumbs to your sideburns, your body odour and the prospect of some instantly regrettable and sordid sexual encounter in the flea-infested wank pit in the back of your cab?
Twats. Bastards.
Knights of the Road I think not.

I don’t have a problem with people in the entertainment industry earning loads of money. But how come Noel Edmonds, who earns 1.3 million for Deal or No Deal, has the audacity to tell contestants that 35,000 quid is a ‘life changing’ amount of money!

Also, he has a book out called ‘Positively Happy’, which his publisher describes as: "It's a powerful and engaging self help book that will show readers how they, like Noel, can achieve happiness". Surely, being a multi-millionaire gives him a bit of head’s start; if I had his kind of money my book would be called ‘Absolutely Deliriously Happy!’

I have to disagree with Helen, with regard to Russell Brand.
I think he is an extremely clever and very funny man. In fact, for someone who has absolutely no interest in sport, I wouldn’t miss his Saturday sports page in the Guardian for anything.
Mind you, he doesn’t half look like Nigella Lawson’s identical twin brother!

Having to be in a quiet carriage when I didn't want to be.
Not being able to be in a quiet carriage when I want to be!
oh well :(

I am a very sad person.
I am a complete idiot.
And a racist.
That's why I hide behind a false name.
That's why my comments have been changed.
Please don't check the log and publish my original comments along with my personal email address.
I admit I'm a real tosser.
I'm sorry.

The way Americans just cannot get their heads around ‘irony’.

On a visit a few years ago, I was in a ‘thrift store’, and when I got to the checkout I noticed a sign saying ‘10% Discount for over 55s’. As I was 54, I thought I would try it on, and told the girl I was 55, to which she replied ‘It’s ok. I’ve already deducted it’. So I wryly said ‘thanks a lot, you’ve made my day!’

All I got was a blank look, so I made an embarrassed exit, leaving a totally bemused assistant in my wake.

I hate it when I get a party invite and the dress code is smart/casual.
Is it smart or is it casual? Make your mind up! Where do you live? Kilburn or Lake Windermere?
What is smart/casual anyway?
The last party I went to I turned up wearing an evening gown and bunny slippers.

But the most annoying thing in my life at the moment is charging up electrical appliances.
I seem to spend my whole day plugging things in and charging them up.
There’s my electric toothbrush... my mobile phone... my husbands shaver... the house telephone... my ipod… the dustbuster…
By the time I turn the light off at night, my bedroom looks like the main runway approach at Heathrow airport.

COMING SOON:
Its That Jo Caulfield Again, 6.30pm, Radio 4 - 29th May 2007

Russell Brand.
I HATE RUSSELL BRAND.
I can no longer travel on the Picadilly Line because of him. Because if I did, I might have to pass through Leicester Square, and he has a show called 11 Leicester Square, and if I accidentally saw him I would be honour-bound to club him to death with my hot pink leather Filofax, and then he'd become some sort of international hero like Kurt Cobain or Elvis and I'd just be locked up, and that would be so UNBELIEVABLY soul-destroying that I'd have to hang myself from my cell bars with ripped up sheets, and I'm too young to die, I'm just Too Young To Die. Do you want me to die? No. So don't make me go on the Picadilly Line. Better for Brand to fade away than burn out.
The highlight of my day is photoshopping his head onto images of baby seals being clubbed to death.

When websites say 'Coming Soon' for months and months. When are your long awaited CD & DVD coming out?! The last Radio 4 series was superb and I need another dose of JC soon!

(JO says: "The DVD will be available on Monday 28th May.
The new Radio 4 comedy series starts Tuesday 29th May.
I'll be at the Edinburgh Festival from 2nd-27th August.
And then on tour round Briatin.
Until then, go to the LINKS section of the website and click on MySpace.com. There's 20min of TV and video stuff you can watch there.")

The thing that has most recently angered and annoyed me is the ridiculous number of cyclists who use their mobile phones while cycling. They really do think they are above the law on everything! What next, cycling murderers who get away with nothing more than the disapproving glares from passers by?!

(JO says: "I know what you mean. I was driving down Wood Green High St and I saw the guy in the car in front of me was using his mobile phone – so arrogant, I hate that. So I started beeping my horn. I followed him for atleast 10 minutes, continually beeping my horn. Finally he heard me and turned round – and he wasn't on the phone. He just had really big ears. That was a complete waste of 10 minutes.")

The way that all Radio 2 morning presenters speak in that ridiculous Harry Secombe/Brian Blessed/general Goon Show derivative theatrical intonation in a failed attempt to make everything they utter seem humorous or entertaining. They get progressively worse until Ken Bruce, who is so stupifyingly bland and unfunny it actually hurts. His undoubtedly hefty share of licence payers hard earned cash only encourages him and perpetuates his obvious delusion.
I can only assume that their popularity is attributable to the scarily high proportion of self satisfied, bland,middle class, middle England, Daily Mail reading, self satisfied, narrow minded, repressed dullards who listen religiously and volunteer their intolerant and simplistic opinions so willingly when Jeremy Vine comes on to break the monotony of the previous six hours of offensively inoffensive broadcasting. Thank goodness for Radio 4/6/7.
Messrs Lamarr, Maconie, Radcliffe and Wright thankfully help to redress the balance.
PS. I loved reading Paul Stanley and Nadie (The Sweary One)'s postings. Ranttastic!
I better go now before I feel compelled to post another one about my anger and annoyance with my own pomposity and piousness. Shit, I'm doing it again.

(JO says: " 'Ranttastic!' You lost it all there. That's the kind of thing Radio 2 morning presenters say in a ridiculous Harry Secombe/Brian Blessed/general Goon Show derivative theatrical intonation.")

Easter eggs.
No not just Easter eggs appearing in the shops immediately after Christmas (Yawn).
Just Easter eggs.
Yes they may seem innocuous enough, but they were invented in hell! Which is odd for a confection that melts so easily.
The soul purpose of the Easter egg is to induce post indulgent nausea in the consumer.
Take something as seductive as chocolate, over sweeten it, tart it up and serve it in a ridiculously oversized portion. The result can only be vomit in gobbits of sticky sludge.
I particularly hate Cadbury's Cream Eggs.
I don't imagine Cool Hand Luke would have looked quite so clever if he had gorged on them.
How do you eat yours? ... DON'T!
A cream egg is best despatched by cupping it ones hands, intertwined fingers, and continually squeezing as hard as possible until it bursts. This is very satisfying, and no more messy than disgorging it down yourself.

I don’t like Bono from U2.
I know he does a lot of charity work in the Third World which should be admired.
Because its a sad fact that most mothers in the Third World lose a baby before they’re two.
Either to famine, disease, or Angelina Jolie.
But it's just the name, 'Bono'. I can't take it seriously. Do you have to call him Bono when you meet him socially?
"Nice weather we're having isn't it Bono?"
"Could you pass me a breadstick please Bono?"
"Whose your electricity supplier Bono?"
The Edge and Bono, ridiculous names. So childish. They are both almost fifty. At school we used to call Jenny Owen ‘Scratchy’ but we stopped that by the time we were thirty.
Okay, thirty four.
And he looks so lame – wearing sunglasses in doors. I think he wears them to hide the look of shame and embarrassment in his eyes.
The only rock star who can get away with sunglasses indoors is Steve Wonder And he’s pushing it. Maybe he doesn’t realise.
Tony Blair says that he admires Bono which is reason enough to put any right thinking person off him.
And I can’t stand Coldplay.
David Cameron is a Coldplay fan.
I rest my case.
Rock stars are meant to be anti-establishment.
If politicians like you it means you are doing something wrong. Unless you’re a sickly child in a hospital in which case it just means you’re a good photo opportunity.

COMING SOON:
Its That Jo Caulfield Again, 6.30pm, Radio 4 - 29th May 2007

I used to think there was nothing more annoying than TV ads that try to sell you loans. But there is. TV ads for loans that, instead of using actors, actually use their own staff, who are dull, unattractive people, with droning monotone voices, trying to talk you into getting even deeper in debt. I would rather be conned by an actor anyday.

The way Uncle Rebus makes me sit in the garden, naked except for a monkey mask, in order to scare the postman. Or does he?

Or does he??

(JO says: "I think you're getting off lightly there. If I were your Uncle Rebus you'd also be bruised and bleeding.")

Talk about ‘you’re so vain’!
Just heard Carly Simon on Radio 2’s Ken Bruce show, choosing ‘I Get Along Without You Very Well’, as one of her ‘Tracks of their Years’ songs.
She described it as a beautiful Hoagy Carmichael song, and then went on to play her bloody version of it!

(JO says: "See what he did there? Paul started off with 'You're so vain' then went on to talk about Carly Simon. That's class, that is.
I'll bet he was up all night drafting that one.")

This is directed at Dave Morris, a bloke I work with who seems to think it is funny to go the canteen at lunchtime, stuff his face with liver and onions, come back to work and then burp repeatedly, thus filling the work enviroment with the wonderful odour of half-digested offal.
I know he looks at this website, I've tried everything else to shame him maybe this will do it.

SOFTWARE THAT IS NEVER R&D'D FULLY AND THEN RE-ISSUED UMPTEEN TIMES AS VERSION 6.1.1.2.1

ILL THOUGHT OUT CRAP WEBSITES DESIGNED BY IDIOTS

BANKS

ALLMOST EVERY COMMUNICATIONS COMPANY IN THE WORLD WHO SHOULD BE IN ANY BUSINESS EXCEPT THAT OF COMMUNICATION

REALITY TV SHOWS

LETTERS SIGNED FROM SENIOR PERSONNEL WHO WHEN YOU TRY TO TALK TO THEM ON THE PHONE ARE "NON CUSTOMER FACING" WELL THEN DONT F***ING WRITE TO ME A***HOLES !!!!!

When you see an ad from your 'TV/Phone/Broadband' supplier, offering the same services that you have, for nearly half the price, and written in small print is, 'does not apply to existing customers'!

I get annoyed at the way people I know always say "Oh isn't he the one with the awful teeth?" when they pick up and investigate my Shane Macgowan CD's. "Yes" they say, "He really is very ugly isn't he ?" Bastards.He may not be a looker but he is a genius and I was always told to never judge anyone by their appearance.

(JO says: "Shane Macgowan, Joe Strummer, David Bowie. Three sets of bad teeth, two great songwriters. Discuss.")

The incorrect use of the word literally- in sports commentary for example "he literally decapitated him" (when he obviously didn't).

Infinity- or more specifically when people talk about it - If an infinite amount number of chimpanzees had an infinite amount of typewriters, eventually one would write the complete works of Shakespeare. Prove it. What a tenuous example- i think an infinite amount of moths, chewing an infinite amount of clothes into an infinite amount of letters to make the complete works of shakespeare conveys a more realistic sense of infinity...maybe.

Other things...

Gillian McKeith and Claire Sweeney - please stop poisoning my eyes.

The over use and incorrect use of the word "obviously".
Women or indeed men who decide to seemingly do their entire weekly shop at the Express shop whilst leaving their car parked at the petrol pump - whilst on the school run!
Whilst on a really good diet having lost a stone, a dear friend drops in and gives you a galaxy bar... now eaten... great! The friend is of course skinny!
More later...only I am annoyed that I cannot remember the rest!

A quote from an actor, in a recent Radio Times interview, who has reached the dizzy heights of joining Eastenders.
‘I had a chance to have a go in Hollywood, but it wasn’t for me. I’m a bit of a home boy.’
Who’s he kidding?

We have bendy buses, not hover cars.

The future of travel was supposed to be a personal hover car, with a bubble roof, not an overextended, junction-blocking, incendiary charabanc.

Your friends NT... who are now under trading in Oxfordshire as Virgin Media. With out consultation Virgin took over, put up the prices and has failed to secure a deal with Sky who provide most of his channels. see link for more details. www.virginmedia.com/fairplay

I hate “Take Five” by Dave Brubeck.
It’s not the tune itself. Although it is quite irritating. Its more the way it’s been appropriated as an anthem by everything that’s smug and “clever”. It’s Emma Thompson in music form. agh!.
Its too self-satisfied to allow itself to be played in the background- it has to be noticed. Look at me - I’m “Take Five”. Aren’t I clever. do doo do do dooo dodododo do doo do do… Its loved by people who can’t stay in the background… Twats.
There’s only one tune worse, and it’s the similar one with all the hand-clapping that they use on ALL the adverts.

The English Parlour Game known as 'Tommy's Out !'
This involves someone from Sveden trying to write something funny and failing miserably.

I hate that you’re not allowed to take photos in the Customs area at the airport.
Because I really wanted to get my holiday snaps off to a cracking start with a nice shot of the Green Channel.

I have a close, elderly relative, who defiantly refuses to pay her bills by direct debit, and will not send a cheque in the post, because she doesn’t see why she should have to pay for a stamp.
But what’s really annoying is that she insists they are paid on day she gets them, which means, to save her from going into a complete panic, I have to go round, rain or shine, and take the bill to the bloody Post Office, to pay it!

People who sit on talent show panels and think they know anything about comedy e.g Piers Morgan, Amanda Holden and Simon Cowel (Britains got talent).

You work hard to get your career established and these people can destroy you in seconds, my advice to comics stay away from this show.

(JO says: "My advice to comics, stay away from Amanda Holden.")

People who think bacardi breezer for breakfast is wrong.

People who think there's something wrong with having White Diamond for breakfast.

Airlines wanting to charge for "overweight" luggage - argghhh! Didn't they see the person who checked in just before me who weighed a zillion kilos? And no, I'm not a size Zero - no where near it. Complain? Dangerous - the check-in desk might just put me in the seat next to them!

Good training for developing minimal packing habits I suppose ....

Tramp Stamps-those lovingly placed tattoos that appear on the small of the back of a lovely classy lady (or indeed on her front boulders).Why are they there? To provide the lucky chap who is scuttling her from the rear with something to look at.

(JO says: "Tramp Stamps!!!!
Classy or what? What a fantastic description.
I'm having that one!")

That droning single-note synth sound that gets used to fill the silence while we're waiting to find out who's been evicted/cast out/set on fire/undeservedly turned into a millionaire by phone vote on just about every TV programme between 5 and 10 every evening until the end of our lives, yes John Carpenter used it in all his film soundtracks and we all got tense, but that's because we knew some loony with an axe was about to jump out of the fridge, now it's just used to stretch the programme out til ad time.

The Klaxons, no need....

Made-up words - "Couragousness", er..."Courage", surely, Mr Bush?

Fabric conditioner that, when you accidentally use a little bit too much on your bedsheets, causes you to wake up in the middle of the night, itching all over with your throat closing up and making you think you're about to die, then in the morning you realise you'd only dreamed that bit, but it's still annoying.

People who tell me my sentences should have more punctuation in them, and that they're generally too long anyway and could easily be condensed into ones half the size, why? I'm constantly adding commas to represent pauses now where I wouldn't normally if I was speaking the words, try not holding your breath while you read them you muppets...

Robbie Williams
Sharon Osbourne
The way cool stuff you've bought on ebay disappears in the post without trace, but bills/traffic fines/court summons ALWAYS turn up
Anyone who watches a band play live whilst fu*king about with their mobile phone
The price of gig tickets these days
Ronan Keating
Bono, the twat!

(JO says: "The last gig I went to, I was so far away from the stage I could hardly hit the drummer with my beer can.
I had to sort of bounce it off the bass player.
Only wish I'd been watching U2 and not my nephew's school orchestra.")

When your child brings a letter home from school saying, "Because of your son's effort, and good work this term, he is invited, as a school treat, to go to the Megabowl. Please send payment of 15 pounds".

If it's their treat, why doesn't the bloody school pay!

I don't like Bob Geldof. He makes giving to charity seem like a bad thing. And anyway, his own wife killed herself rather than live with him so he can't be all that nice.

(JO says: "What??!!")

1. Paul Stanley is quite right to object to the use of swear words, particularly when used as a form of punctuation mark. I was particularly annoyed by Hue Grant on Top Gear who seemed to think that frequent use of the F' word made him appear "Cool" or something... actually he appeared to be a pompous prig.

2. Jo, NTL have gone undercover in my region and now claim to be Virgin Media... but I am sure you won’t be fooled by such an obvious deception.

3. The American with the fake cigar and hairpiece on the new "Variety show" hosted by Graham Norton, otherwise its a reasonable mix of Opportunity Knocks and New Faces.

(JO says: "You do realise you're only encouraging Paul Stanley, don't you? My inbox will be full by the end of the week - all from Mr Angry of Stafford!")

To me, one of the most annoying things about the current Celebrity Big Brother, is Danielle Lloyd’s overuse of the f-word, particularly the way she says it in that awful, awful, thick, sludgy scouse accent!

Kevin from London is absolutely spot on with his, people who, ‘take pride in ignorance’, observation.

I’m angry at myself for not having the balls to shout these things out of a megaphone at my local tescos while wearing a sandwich board (it would be my body armour).

Where I live just makes me too angry.
It seriously gives me no peace of mind.
Hoards of scummy 'ghetto'/urban kids speaking crap patois all the time, dismissing everything as‘drai’.
The bastards.
And giving people the 'evil eye' all the time and kissing their teeth all the time - shut the f*ck up for f*ck's FUCKING sake, and how dare you spend all your nondisposable income on ugly Argos jewellery and cheap disgusting DIRTY putrid scabby chicken and woozy cigarettes and monster munch and annoying IRRITATING noisy flash mobile phones and then sneer at me as I go to work and then say they come from the ghetto. Christ almighty. And they're worse on the bus and I'm the one who's subsidising their fares. My over-priced fares ensure that my buses smell of dead, deprived chickens, and orange and brown french fries and are drowned with the sounds of shit, shit angry, so ANGRY shite hypocritical shouting shite urban 'music' and they kill the art of conversation, I mean I went to school with these type of people, they dragged my education down, slagged off my artwork and my (lack of)hairstyle, and were mind numbingly dumb and loud and charmless, and pointless and then make you feel like you've wronged them in some way, and you owe them, and you should apologise for anything you acheive including you’re very existence.
Somebody slap them around their heads with a battery hen
ps- i'm sure the hen would appreciate it was for a good cause.

It takes a lot to purge yourself of their stinking attitudes and bullshit after so many years of living side by side with these arseholes, who make you feel unwelcome in your own hometown. In your own skin. Nuff said. They’re like Ali G but with no soul.

I also have a deep hatred for people who stick up for those people from the safety of Hampstead, and they're so smug and happy about themselves. Come live here for a week, feel free.

That came from a very deep place, please forgive me.
From a twenty year old in East London who needs quite urgently to get a driving licence, and a passport (and a decent boyfriend) and most definitely of all a different postcode, godamnitt.

Also, people who bring Tony Blair into the conversation, when it's just not relevant to the logical down-to-earth human chat you were just having. I mean the guy's not even real. It’s very unlikely it’s his fault first and foremost for any of you’re random complaints, stop watching the news, it’s all lies, lies, and Natasha bloody Kaplinsky, so fix my bloody boiler, like my rent obliges you to do, and no there aren’t any more biscuits. Not for you. Ever.

And lastly, most importantly, most grating of all, the expression on my mothers face when she watches TV, particularly when it's someones life story (ie sob story) and her neck goes in closer and she nods,(quite often these are Hollywood winos with nothing in common with her, whatsoever) and she shushes us angrily and pokes the remote control lots and it's way too loud and it hurts, and yet we have to whisper to eachother (me and my sister) and then the adverts start and she has another panic attack and she's jabbing at the remote control turning it down, getting really angry at the TV, muttering stuff about her head.

Maybe some of these would be more accurately put under the category of deep seated hatred, so sorry but that's how it is for today, goodbye and thankyou for the free therapy; that Nhs waiting list is very sluggish, and my valium just got robbed off me,
cheers,
Nadie

Jade Goody - The Notorious P.I.G.
She's a fat piece of talentless racist shit.
Let's all hope her career is as dead as her brain.

I hate “Amazon.co.uk”.

Why – every time I shop at Amazon – does Robbie Williams’ new CD pop-up as “Recommended For You”?
It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve clicked the ‘Not Interested’ button, he keeps coming back every time I log-on … grinning at me like a deranged stalker!
Every time I go there, he’s already there waiting for me! I mean … I’d heard he was a bit on the needy side but this is getting ridiculous!

Ntl!!!!!!!!
Still the WORST cable providers in UK.
Do not use them.
EVER!

Airline ads for cheap flights, which have, in the tiniest print, ‘one way only’. They would only be a bargain if you intended never to return!

Also, hospital patients that, when visitors’ arrive, go into, ‘I’m wallowing in self pity’ mode, only to return to their ‘jolly old self’, as soon as they have gone!

1) Councils who are taken by surprise when it rains.
In the bad old days drains used to be cleared by a road wagon that went around and sucked up the leaves and other debris but money had to be saved and now we pay a fortune in insurance premiums to repair damage caused by flooding resulting from poor maintenance of our drains, which we pay the council and water companies to maintain through taxes and rates.

2) The Today programme
********! Sanctimonious broadcasters interviewing other broadcasters and journalists about what might happen and then complaining that they were misled when their predictions inevitably prove to be incorrect.

The slow death of skilled copywriting.
Excessive packaging.
The packaging industry for defending it.
Middle lane morons.
Murdoch.
The weird ability I have to convince myself that the pocket full of change I have at the end of an evening is somehow worth more than the wallet full of notes I had at its start.
The fact that Carr, Gervais, Walliams and Lucas have somehow conspired to make it acceptable once more for people to laugh at gays, dwarves, the disabled and so on.
The fact that I'm one of them. (One who laughs, not a gay or a dwarf.)
The fact that I felt compelled to add that last bit.

People who:
constantly sniff in public
take pride in ignorance
are strangers to deodorant
signal assent by saying "yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah" all the time
drive BMWs and talk on their mobiles whilst doing so
always say it's 'political correctness gone mad"
bellow into their mobile phones, forgetting that the phone actually contains a microphone and transmitter
allow their dogs to crap on pavements without bagging it up
think that signalling a turn in a car is somehow optional
drop litter, and that includes Metros left 'for the next person'

Then there's:
people who describe themselves as George Bush's 'spiritual advisors'
the 'visitor centre' of any attraction the English abroad
other people's Christmasses
other people's underpants on display misogyny
homophobia
bullet-headed, pierced-brained, tattooed thugs driving white vans
Scots who just go on and on about it
The Equitable Life Assurance Society
News International and its cynical and sustained attacks on public service broadcasting
the misery of unfettered choice
racism
The Daily Mail, The Mail on Sunday, Taki, Clarkson, Simon Heffer, 'Londoner's Diary'
'8 items or less'
those on the US Right who think that global warming is a European plot
the chronic and institutionalised underfunding of public services
the notion that blogs are somehow more relevant than radio phone-ins (but I could be persuaded otherwise on this one)
fundamentalists of any creed
young white males who pretend they're black
people in business who use the phrase 'going forward', as in 'implement changes going forward'. What, like it can be done retrospectively?
the ‘marching season’

More to follow, I'm sure...

1) Gloria Hunniford and her awful show, ‘Gloria’s Greats’, where she chats to her celebrity friends.
I have a nightmare of being at a party at her place, with Barbara Windsor, Sir Harry Webb and the luvly Cilla Black all in the same room!

2)People in supermarkets with about 20 things in their basket at a 10 item only checkout. (Mind you, I don’t know how this would work if all the items were buy one get one free!)
Also supermarket check out operators, who ask you if you need any help with your packing, when you’ve only got 4 items. (Actually, this isn’t their fault as, by rule, they have to ask every one.)
Even more annoying, are customers who, when asked this question reply, ‘no, but I could do with some help with paying!’

3)People who won’t visit old family members who are very ill; saying they would rather remember them as they were.
This is complete and utter bullshit, they are either complete wusses, or just can’t be arsed.

(JO says: "Happy New Year Paul - You are officially 'Mr. Angry 2006'. Look behind the sofa and you'll find your prize".)

This list should really be called "Why I should Get Out More"

Katie Melllula's voice - why does it suddenly drop like a drunken pub singer's for no apparent reason? Is she on the sauce or does she just lose the will to live every few lines?

"R 'n' B", which has, over the past couple of decades, become a euphemism for crap. The vidoes are always the same - ie some bloke with vest, sunglasses and bling leaning into the camera shouting and doing that weird thing with his fingers, as if he's unable to bend them.

Chris Moyles for being proud to be homophobic. (why does the public have to pay to make this idiot rich?) Come back political correctness, nearly all is forgiven.

Jimmy Carr for being a nasty, snide little f***

Ricky Jervais's laugh - it sounds really false and desperate, like he's sucking up to his boss.

J.K. (Jamiroqai) - looks sleazy, sounds sleazy.

What annoys me is websites like this that invite you to add comments so you spend ages doing so then it won't post for no reason whatsoever - and YES i DID enter the correct security code and NO it wouldn't post
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

(JO says: "Sorry about that. It usually takes me a couple of hours to update the site but what with it being Christmas I'm a couple of days behind. Your 'angry post' is below".)

I'll tell you what really gets on my nerves - the "save the planet" brigade - they go on about anti-nuclear energy whislt there entire house/office/streets are lit up by the electricity generated by nuclear power stations - they happily pump cr@p from their cars, they use paint in their homes the manufacture of which pumps out very nasty stuff, they use disposable nappies that are filling are landfill sites, they spray their homes with every chemical availabel to man BUT they take their emptie to the bottle bank so that's ok then isn't it.
Bottom line is folks, we all want an easy life - electricity on tap, cleaning products that mean we don't have to scrub etc etc etc.
Oh, and while i'm on the subject, "save the planet" would suggest it's broken or in need of rescuing. News flash, the planet is bigger than any of us little farties and we couldn't break it if we tried. God made it and God will decide when he's bored enough with it to destroy it. Dumping glass in a bottle bank doesn't absolve you from your part in "destroying" the planet - nuclear, chemical, transport is what's commonly known as progress and we all love it so get off your "save the planet" weak soap box before i explode!!!!!
(Hey you're right, typing this stuff out really helps, i feel so much better :)

When I go to visit my elderly mother in hospital, and, on the way out, ask one of the nurses how my mum is, and they reply, ‘are you a relation?’

I feel like saying, ‘no, I’ve never seen her before in my bloody life!’

Being Depressed 24/7.
Lucy Porter on Have I Got News For You.
Being only able to trust 6 people in my life.
Ray on X Factor (he was in Brookside so he's allreay got the X Factor)

Charity muggers.

Not necessariy aggressive individual tin-rattlers; on the odd charitable occassion, for the right cause, I have been known to brave the embarassment and feed their tins myself, instead of giving my pocket-full of change to the boys to present. I've even done my fair share of dressing up in daft costumes and provoking abuse in the name of charity. What really annoys me is packs of charity zealots congregating and forming seasonal compassion cordons at the access points of every available public space.

You Are What You Eat, How Clean Is Your House, 10 Years Younger, Celebrity Wife Swap, The Catherine Tate Show, and a few more I can’t bring to mind.

These programs are so repetitive; it’s like watching the same show every week!

Oh boy, where to start....

1. Working for a company that's headed up by a complete egotistical fool, hell-bent on fulfilling his own selfish agenda at any cost to those around him.
2. The feeling of being raped financially by an incompetent local and national government that fritters our tax money down the drain.
3. Tony B(liar). Leave now, you disgraceful excuse for a politician. You should be ashamed of yourself. The sooner you are prosecuted for crimes against democracy and for allowing George Bush to boss Great Britain around the better.
4. My girlfriend's overbearing sexual demands. Jeez, woman, let me sleep sometime!
5. The sodding weather.
6. Those bloody annoying advertising pop-up boxes on websites, specifically Skynews. Really annoying.
7. Not having enough time and to do the things I want to do.
8. Stuck-up members of the establishment that think they have a God-given right to priviledge and money.
9. Not knowing for sure how to spell 'priviledge' and not having a directonary to llok it up.
10. My receeding hairline.
So much more, but that'll do for now.

The constant cackling from my 'bubbly' colleague at her own tiresome double entendres.

She claims her great sense of humour comes from being born in Bolton and frequently uses the sentence "you know me, I always say what I think". I really wish she wouldn't say what she thinks though because it is always futile, I don't care, and it makes me depressed.

Also, when I asked her who her favourite musician ever was, she said 'Robbie'.

MY MOBILE PHONE COMPANY THING.
I'm going to have to find you the email I sent them. Right. It read thus:
"HELLO o2! Earlier this fine day I did send you one communication requesting assistance in a-locating the whereabouts of the date my contract began. Devastatingly, to my devastation, I received but a generic reply informing me that I could upgrade my handset one year TO THE DAY from this date. This date. This enigmatic date. This elusive date. Please tell me what this date is. O2, your task is this: tell me the date that my contract did begin. Alternatively, tell me what the date will be that I CAN upgrade my handset. From the latter, I will be able to deduce the former. THANK YOU O2! goodnight".

GUESS WHAT I RECEIVED.
Oh yes. That very same generic response, alluding to that VERY SAME ELUSIVE DATE. Hate. Hate. Hate. BYE.

For the 3rd week running = NTL!

Whether you're looking for broadband, a phoneline or cable TV = stay away from NTL.

They haven't got a clue what they're doing and the people on the NTL helpline are either (a)liars (b)idiots or (c)tossers.

DO NOT USE NTL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS Over 1000 people every week look at this website so if you know anyone who works for NTL please tell them how much bad I think their service is and what I'm doing.

MIDDLE LANE DRIVERS!!!

Seriously though, the further south you drive the worse it gets. People all clamour together in the middle and 'fast' lanes which just creates a huge jam. Drive up the M6 and see how considerate we are!
We drive PROPERLY, using the overtaking lanes for overtaking.

On another note, there's the bloody customers who come to the shoe shop I manage to demand refunds on shoes they've been wearing for over A YEAR, because the soles have worn out! What do you expect you fat munters!!
NO, YOU CAN NOT HAVE YOUR MONEY BACK, EFFING CHEAPSKATES!

That's all for now - having a relatively calm day!!
Thanks!!

Bryan Ferry’s mug, gawping at you from the M & S ads. Are we really supposed to believe that he would pay £129 for a suit!

Also, did he name his son after a black soul singer, from America’s Deep South, thinking he may grow up to be an altruistic human being, fighting for the underdog’s rights? Funny that he turned out to be a pro–hunting, drunk driving, narrow minded tosser.

Right now - The Guardian.
I am sick to death of all these useless posters they keep giving us. Most of the photographs are really poor, and who really wants lots of pictures of different cheeses, tomatoes or whatever. And today, we've even got some stickers of dinosaurs. I thought the Guardian cared about the planet, so please stop wasting all this paper. I'm going to email them too.

The French - because....

Saw you in Doncaster last night, an excellent evening, come again.

People who moan about motorway middle lane drivers - have you tried driving in the inside lane?
Paul McCartney, Bob Geldof, Bono -they're pop stars, NOT world authorities!
Bad punctuation and spelling - it's shameful that those whose first language is not English often have better command of our language - all thanks to liberal wishy-washy trendy save-the-whale teachers.
Local authorities who plaster roads with painted lines, cross hatching, cycle lanes (legalised graffiti) - did they have a cheap job lot of paint or is uncle in the paint business?
Bliar having the brass neck to tell us black is white when we know different and Brown telling us how prudent he is when he sold our gold reserves for euros, raided pensions and keeps squeezing the hard working to pay for lazy scroungers and the swathes of over-paid '5 pieces of veg administrators', 'diversity counsellors' etc. etc with their enviable pensions which they can claim at 60 or before, whilst everyone else is told to work until they are 70.
Teachers always moaning about poor pay - they get much better pay than me, and I only get 4 weeks holiday.
People who park their cars over 2 spaces.
Mobile phone users who think we are all interested in their conversation.
Theme pubs with loud music & TVs showing constant sport - we go there to talk, not shout.
Phew............ that's much better.

(JO says: "This is class! I agree with all of it except your second point - the bit about McCartney, Geldof and Bono.
If you've heard his music you'd know that Bob Geldof in no way, shape or form can be called a Pop Star".)

Kerry(Kerri?) on 'Make Me A Super Model' would probably make a good model but is sooooooo irritating you want to shoot her.
Jodie Marsh - complete waste of space.
Justin Timberlake - ???? what is he for?

(JO says: "Justin Timberlake is for life, not just Christmas. Unfortunately".)

Couples who affectionately call each other 'babes'.

Piers Morgan.
Number one arse licker to celebrities, with a face that shouts out 'Slap Me Hard'!

Noel Edmonds being nominated for a BAFTA, for Deal or No Deal.
It's like Jade Goody's autobiography being nominated for the Booker prize!

Thank you for coming to Halesworth last night, shocking weather and I know you got lost as my friends directed you to "New Cut" but did not recognise you as I dragged them out to see you, and they thought you were FANT-BLOODY-TASTIC.
Next time in Suffolk go to Snape Maltings, easy to find and good grub at the Plough and Sail and surpriselingly only 3 miles for me cycle...

WATERMANS ARTS - BRENTFORD

Stephen Pound MP. What a tosser! (Ian)
People who say they are not hungry – then eat yours! + Couples asking you – "have you got a boyfriend yet?" (Lynn)
Missing Prime Suspect. (Jamie)
People who don't show respect or appreciation. (Sam)
Everything my father does or says. (Rose)
Pregnant men wearing football shirts. (Alison)
Phone queues that circle back to where you began and then disconnect! (Jane)
You will never know! (Stephen)
F*cking asked what makes me angry, when f*cking asking me makes me angry!! (Orla)
Orla. (Beth)
People who DON'T think Jo Caulfield is a lesbian / People who DO think Jo Caulfield is a lesbian! (Sharon)
People who are too scared to write their real name and make up fake ones. (Orla – or Mazza)
Waking up at 6.30am anyway when we've got rid of the kids for the night. (Louise)
Children misbehaving in public places and parents doing nothing about it! (Bill)
Tony Blair, dictator (democracy – what democracy?) making UK, especially London, a much less safe place to live. (Eileen)
Apart from Blair, Bush Brown and Blunkett, restaurants that think you want a pile of shredded lettuce next to your goulash, curry or 'cock au vin'. (Valerie)
Not being supplied a pen + having your spelling corrected by daughter. (Caroline)
The lack of progress on rebuilding the south side of Brentford High Street! (Deborah)
Buses that do the entire route whilst displaying a sign saying "Not In Service". Why? (Shelia)
People marvelling at Abstract art. (Imran)
Long phonecalls and people who cannot hang up. (Gijoy)

OLD TOWN HALL - HEMEL HEMPSTEAD

Charity letters that send a biro. Send it to whoever you’re begging money for – they probably need it. (Julian)
People who book tickets on RyanAir and then think they can complain about the service! (Jim)
Picture Loans adverts – do real people behave like this? I doubt it! (Richard)
Wasps and stinging nettles. (Paul)
People who think they must park their car exactly outside their house and no one else can! (Mark)
My girlfriend crashing my hire car when I have just had my own car smashed the week before! (Chris)
"Your call is important to us"! (Ron)
Xmas in September + Easter in January. (Tony)
Why isn't this on A4 or A5?! (Nicola)
People who talk during a performance. (Rosie)
My team at work. (Mark)
Announcemnets on airplanes from the captain which might as well be in French because they are so muffled you can’t understand them. (Dave)
People throwing litter out of cars/lorries. (Rita)
A government made up of tax grabbing muppets!! (Rodney)
Call centres – generally – but especially when they lie about how long you will be on hold. (Marie & Heather)
My neighbour Sharon who wants to tell me all her problems but doesn't want to hear mine. (Jairo)
Not being able to fit my butt into clothes I was meant to have – or my gut, now that I'm expecting a baby! (Rosemary)
People trying to run me over on zebra crossings. I'm sorry me using crutches has slowed you down by 30 seconds. It's slowed me down a hell of a lot more. (Melanie)
Being asked to fill things in when I havent got my glasses on. (Liz – written by a friend!)
"Twenty somethings" who think anyone over 40 can't grasp technology. (Mari)
Our glorious leader Tony Blair, who outstayed his welcome long ago. (Edie)
Narrow apertures. (Julian)

Les Dennis + Dido, just because! (Rob)
People who shut their eyes in photos + someone else getting what is rightfully mine E.G. parking space, parking space, life of rock stardom. (Jemima)
Jet Skis + Xmas stuff in September. (Chris)
People – usually men – taking up too much space when seating. (Debbie)
Queue jumping! (John)
Cyclists. (David)
Poor taste in shoes! (Craig)

SOUTH STREET THEATRE - READING

John Prescott. (Keith)
Staff in posh restaurants / shops who treat paying customers with distain. (Tracy)
Not being able to record one channel of TV and watch the other side at the same time – we used to be able to do this when we had terrestrial reception but haven't figured it out with Freeview. (Tom)
Warm beer and cold pizza! (Oliver)
Stupidness. (Aleksandra)
Reality TV shows with Z-list celebrities clinging to their careers for grim death! (Jay)
Born again Non-Smokers/Christians/Politicians. (Paul)
People asking me to take part in a survey. (Kerry)
Fat people next to you in small seats!! (John)
Arrogance + rudeness. (Claire)
My stupid mobile phone – when it switches itself on and off without being told to do so. (Silvie)
Bad parking – E.G. Graeme. (David)
Being picked on! (Graeme)
Lodgers. (S. Downing)
Town traffic + people sitting at green lights. (Keith)
People who park in disabled bays when they’re not disabled. (Rita)
Learner drivers. (Simon)
Middle lane drivers, mobile phones + men. (Julie)
Litter Bugs! + Incompetence + my ex-boyfriend!! (Zoe)
Late trains. (Toby)
People who stop in the middle of the street, or walk really slowly. (Suzanne)
Mothers in shops with prams – leave the darn baby at home! (Natalie)
People who queue for a cashpoint for 10 minutes then when they finally get to the front of the queue, take another 10 minutes getting their card out – like they hadn't realises they would need it. (Fiona)
The way everyone displaces their problems onto me. (Rod)
Hairs in soap – especially pubic. Yuk! (Jules)
People who constantly overuse words like "actually"!! (Rich)
Jeremy Clarkson + other 4x4 drivers on the way to the Waitrose in Widdeness. (Chris)
Chavs, sponging asylum seekers, people standing in the way of train doors when you’re trying to get out! + Sandi Thom – when did punks ever have flowers in their hair? (Dan)
Actually I'm very placid – which is fortunate in the circumstances. (Gill)
Filling out stupid forms! (Phil)
Small dogs + shaven heads + St George flags worn as capes! (Dave)
My husband snoring. (Karen)
My wife snoring – or dreaming that I snore. (John)
Cyclists! (John)

COMEDY JUNCTION - SUTTON COLDFIELD

Women's football + Chav's (Rob)
Chris Moyles + Ignorance + chain E-mails (Ian)
Retail parks + Sunday drivers (Stuart)
Stuart's emails, he writes the whole email in the subject box!! (Stuart's sister)
Spelling mistakes + People who interrupt me + US "high school" films + Christmas in November (Helen)
Nearly everything - I'm a grumpy old woman! (Jean)
People with no trolley control on supermarkets who block the aisles (Louise)
Nosey + awkward receptionists who feel it is their divine duty to protect the G.P.s from ever seeing a patient, and make an audience with the Pope easier to organise!! (Ed)

THE ANVIL - BASINSTOKE PART 1

The fact that you can legally have sex at 16 but can not buy a vibrator in Anne Summers until you are 18 … and have I.D.! (Rose)

Ruth's behaviour towards David in The Archers. (Mr. Morgan)
David's behaviour towards Ruth in The Archers. (Mrs. Morgan)

Theatre Company's that go round schools to talk about issues that no one really cares about. (Olivia)

My husband REALLY being right – it rarely happens. (Judy)

Call centre staff who refuse to understand the points I'm making + shop assistants who carry on their own personal conversations when I'd like some help. (Lorraine)

Spending all afternoon on the phone to BT Broadband "Support"! (Brett)

The two-mile tailback queuing up outside the drive-through Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet, car engines still running. Why don't they just park the car and then queue up!? (Rob)

"Your call is important to us – please hang on for another ten minutes until one of our advisers gets back from lunch". (Gill)

"Soundbite" politics.
"Touchy feely" interviews on the television.
Jade Goody being a celebrity. (Chris)

THE ANVIL - BASINSTOKE PART 2

Sainsburys in Alton. (Frances)
People who 'tut'!! (Angie)
People who "tap" their feet in a concert, but are totally OUT OF TIME! (Rachel)
My husband's driving. (Mrs. Howard)
Speed cameras. (Mr. Howard)
Income tax. Inconsiderate drivers. Speed cameras. District judges! (Jason)
Automated switchboards. (John)
Political correctness and TV reporters. (Reg)
Tony Blair (Gordon)
Customers. (Rose)
Having to work. (Shahida)
Marigold gloves with a little hole in them. (Stephanie)
People arriving late and other people's kids. (Margot)
George Bush + American apathy. (David)
Unsolicited phone calls. (Bob)
Incorrect use of capital letters! (Geraldine)
People talking on mobile phones in restaurants. (Jill)
People who block the road while they "just pop in the shop". (Neil)
Paying to park in Basingstoke at 8.00 at night. (Rob)
Having to say everything 3 times. (Justin)
Finding NO matching socks. (Mary)
Men never asking for directions even when they are totally lost… "They’ll get there eventually, even if it’s 2 hours late!" (Claire)
People who get on a flight and spend 20 minutes putting their luggage in the overhead lockers while blocking the aisle so everyone else has to wait. (Laura)

THE STAND - GLASGOW

NEDS being allowed to live near me.
Continually seeing the age I'm going to be able to retire increase.
People phoning from public transport telling others they are going to be 30 seconds late. (Jason)

Whingers, men, stroppy teenagers, Rangers, and Scotland winning a game then thinking they are invincible. (Annie)

All my friends having mid life crises! (Geordie)

When you open a jar of Nescafe and the metal top NEVER comes off in one piece!
Check out staff at Tesco who put ready-made meals which should be upright on THEIR SIDE!! So ignorant. (John)

Pensioners thinking that a free bus pass equals a divine right to stampede to the front of the bus queue. (David)

Buying a new item of clothing, going back into the shop the next week, the item you bought last week and have worn several times is ½ off. (Vicki)

Missing the bus.
People walking slowly.
Other people swearing in front of old people.
Periods. (Jennifer)

Prudery – sex and sexuality are too wonderful to waste time on guilt.
Girls who pretend to be sex kittens for guys and are then shocked + horrified when said guys refer to them as bimbos and/or sluts.
Charging £4.50 for coffee… I KNOW how much coffee costs and it's not £50 for a tin. (Rose)

TV programmes that tell you how to live your life! Like Supernanny + You Are What You Eat. If I want to be fat with psychotic children I will be!
Lever arch files that have clasps that don’t meet in the middle.
Folk music – there is no need whatsoever!!
Teenage girls who all walk about with BENCH stamped across their arse.
Trinny and Suzannah. (see point 1)
Soap operas – have a real life.
Crap magazines eg Bella (Val)

THE STAND - EDINBURGH

Guys who show their undies above their jeans!! "Pull your pants up!" (Catherine)
People who pretend they are Scottish just because they live North of the border! Oh and cats. (Charlie)
When my blow up sheep bursts. (Steven)
Getting old + Angry dogs with angry folk + F'n neighbours. (Linda)
When you cook a nice fry-up and realise there’s no HP! (Lisan)
Small flaccid manhoods. (Kim)
Having to pretend to have an orgasm. (Eileen + Erland)
Livingston. (Chrid)
Thongs! Lurex! Small men! (Anne)
People who contort themselves to pass under the field of view of a video camera, and end up looking like they're on their way to the chiropractor. (Chris)
I don't know, but I had sex on the 1st green of the Old Course at St Andrews last night. (Matt)
When my boyfriend does not believe where we are going! I.E. – Today! (Caitlin)
Charities that spend all their money writing to you asking for donations + cash machines that charge you £1.50. (Victoria)
Men who think a (pitiful) smile is an invitation to bed. (Claire)
My mother in law who always nags me behind my husbands back. (Margaret)
The double adverts on ABC1 TV channel. (Jo)
Getting outbid on E-Bay. (Kasia)
Those birthday cards that say "YOU ARE…" especially the ones with an exclamation mark – SHOUTING! (Grant)
When I lose at sports. (Matt)
People who click their fingers for your attention. (Sarah)
No hook on the back of the toilet door. (Leanne)
No smoking ban in English pubs yet. (Carmen)
When the BBC don't show Scotland games on TV. (Pam)
Customers who order rounds in one drink stages! (The Barstaff)
People who don't return your calls – wanky solicitors! (Susie)
Making friends with dead people on MySpace – what's that all about! (Mike)

Stick insect people (size 10 + below) complaining they look fat in clothes.
Supposedly wheelchair friendly ramps that are as steep as an Everest ascent.
Bra's for big girls that always look like Granny hammocks. Just because you have big boobs does not mean you don't like lace. (Ann Marie)

Consultants who say they are resultants.
Mountain bikers who have never ridden off a mountain.
The 100 greatest anything programmes.
Caring people – There, there.
Changing the names of chocolate bars – Snickers – what the hell is that?

Ordinary people who appear on TV, and have absolutely no dignity or decorum at all.

Like contestants on Deal or No Deal, who, after winning a very low sum of money, actually break down and cry!

Ant and Dec giving away prizes to people who do nasty thing to their freinds and family
"Life Begins" ending on monday (which is a good thing because it's a lot of rubbish) and next week Blue Murder starting with the same main star who is so overrated
Cracker being poor
Having X-Factor Bimbo's on GMTV who think that their look will get them stardom
Girls Aloud and Tatu having "Best of Collections" out
The Sharon Osbourne show and the Charlotte Church show getting 2 more series
Judith Kepple
How many more cop shows do we need? 3 more one on sunday and 2 more next week
That sitcom with Lee Mack and Tim Vine being rubbish but atleast "Have I Got News For You" is back tonight (when are you on it this series?)
You not doing a show for the Manchester Comedy festival
England being Crap
My Super Ex-Girlfriend being one of the worst films of the year
People who are pictured shouting on the cover of magzines
Kids on S"ongs of Praise" because you know they don't want to be there
Comics who's DVD's for christmas will cost £14.99 but be only under a hour, same with the new Fit video with 2 pounds of each video going to breast cancer whn the DVD will cost nearly £14.00

THE JUNCTION - CAMBRIDGE PART 1

Slow people when you want or need to get somewhere – dawdling tourists. Or students… Can’t they go and stare vacantly somewhere else? (Cat)
Football phone-ins (Jordan)
Me – when I answer the phone knowing it is someone I don't want to speak to but somehow I can't stop my finger pressing answer (Emily)
Students, bloody students, I hate them – except when I was one (Steve)
Friends who take the piss about locking my bike up – taking too long! – only to have the sodding thing stolen. I bet they did it. Bastards (Richard)
I wish I had brought my glasses then I would be able to read the question. And my answer. Gosh that makes me angry (Vivienne)
Attempts at humour on the packaging of food products – especially smoothies and organic muesli. I just want to know what's in the box, not be chatted up by the products copywriter (Xan)
Dr Beechings vandalism of the railways, "Political correctness gone mad" and the fall of the Empire (Richard)
Bad driving, rude people and having to iron clothes (Gary)
The "Shelia's Wheels" adverts on TV – Whiny Shiny Nasal Sparkly Aussie Women (Clare)
Hamsters (Julie)
People who lie + the man with FERRETTS who shouts outside our window in the middle of the night (Tessa)
Fruit from Tesco's that say's "ripen at home" – How?? Do I need to glue them back on the tree?? (Mike)
My boss, because he’s a muppet (Theresa)
Theresa’s boss and thank God he’s not my boss anymore! (Jason)
Obnoxiously loud Americans who make me tell folks I’m Canadian (Steve)
Men drivers (Kim)
Work colleagues who pass comment on what time you get into work / leave work (Laura)
Questionnaires (Tess)
Drivers who hog the middle lane on motorway + men who think women can’t read maps (Susan)
My wife complaining that there’s only toilet paper in one loo in this theatre (Steve)

THE JUNCTION - CAMBRIDGE PART 2

Night cyclists with no lights – "Cambridge Specials"
Women (Yes, always is!) who wait until the cashier tells them the total before thinking of starting to rummage for their purse (Peter)

People with fast cars that drive them like old pensioners.
Fruit cake – Yike!!
Fat people in leggings (Gina)

Automated phone services.
Poppered gussets!
Financial services ads (Jo)

Talent less buskers.
Wilful ignorance.
The sound of people chewing gum.
People who have yet to discover soap / deodorant.
Text spam (Mark)

Lots of things…
Life.
Car drivers who don’t thank you for letting them out.
Pens that don’t work!
People pushing in at the bar.
Christmas!
Women that don’t know what they want to drink. (Martin)

The expression of the so called "traveller" – "I’ve done" Australia etc + Women (pregnant or otherwise) who accuse you of being chauvinist for giving up your seat to them (Andrew)

Cars that decide to go into the yellow box when there’s already a car waiting to move out of it on the other side AND the lights are just about to turn red (Eloise)

Oxford Bus Company
Lawyers
My ex-wife
My ex-wife's lawyers
The fact that my ex-wife sits on the user committee for the Oxford Bus Company!

OLD FIRE STATION - OXFORD

Tourists or businessmen with trolley suitcases on the tube (Barry)
Stupidity, trivia and ageism (Michael)
Boys – all of them! (Jane)
The bar downstairs running out of red wine (Jan)
People who fart about at filling stations (Heather)
People who ask me to fill in silly bits of paper (Keith)
Having to keep repeating myself because my deaf husband won’t get a hearing aid! (Debbie)
People in supermarkets reading labels on tins of tomatoes when they only cost 10p! (Robin)
People who can’t listen (Robson)
Everything! (Alex)
Blackburn Rovers F.C (Dan)
Birmingham City F.C (Steve)
People who don’t know the real width of their cars in tight spaces (Chris)
Surveys (Stephen)
People being overly nice – all the time (Claire)
Every 3 year old I’ve ever met (Briony)
The changing faces / body of Victoria Beckham! (My friend Madeleine)
Idiots and their bloody questionnaires (Alex)
When the main course arrives just as you’re finishing your starter allowing you no time to breathe + you can’t send it back because you know it’ll end up in the microwave (Julie)
People with no opinions! (Anita)
Long toenails on men – especially in summer (Rachel)
Newsreaders standing when reading the news (Sarah)
People who say the following words – diarize – guestamate – "let’s do lunch" (Tim)
Men at dinner parties – they are crap (Sue)
My boss – I leave work in 3 weeks (Karen)
Not being able to get my wife a tomato juice at the bar here tonight (Bill)
No tomato juice at the bar here tonight (Sue)
The Today programme. All of it. Tossers (Stuart)

THE MILLFIELD THEATRE - EDMONTON

Bus drivers + Chavs! If you let me near a Chav bus driver there could be unfortunate consequences… (Anne-Marie)
Successful friends (anon)
The husband when he leaves his shirt sleeves rolled up and I wash them still rolled up (Maxine)
Steps – they serve no purpose but to annoy! + Men – they serve no purpose but to annoy! (Eleanor)
People who smell on the tube – you can’t get away from them! (Yasmine)
Incorrect use of the apostrophe (David)
George Bush’s ignorance + Russell Brand + the fact that Bob Hoskins isn’t gay and won’t love me (John)
Filling in forms (Peter)
Happy enthusiastic campers (Rose)
Badly tuned radio stations (Paul)
Mobile phones when you can only hear half the conversation! Not that I’m nosy or anything… (Christine)
Nothing (Kevin)
Morons who click their biro’s constantly (Maggie)
People who just don’t get it no matter how many different ways you explain things (Isabelle)
When Arsenal win. Up the Spurs! (Les)
People that speak rubbish (Sherine)
Impatient rude drivers (Karen)
Car drivers who jump the traffic light (Debra)
People who congregate on pavement in groups, and make me walk in the road (Sandra)
Little boys pretending to be men (Alli)
When people don’t do what they promise to do (Linda)
Lies! (Nina)
Pettiness (James)
Education reform acts (Anon)
Filling in forms that ask me what makes me angry or annoyed (Laura)
Not finding my keys in the morning (Michelle)
Emmerdale + Nikki from Big Brother (Louise)
People who overtake at the last minute and who tailgate (Anne)
Self important men! E.G. David Cameron (Nora)
Someone who sat in a seat, which I was going to sit in! (Neil)
Being told I look like Bette Midler (Berenice)
Dog shit in the park, other drivers, maggots in my bin, council tax, Margaret Thatcher and people who say they are angry (Martin)
Politicians who want to be my friend. They’re not my pal, they work for me, and if things go wrong I want an explanation, not an arm round my shoulder (Dave)

Stupid arsehole train passengers who think I make them late.
When my wife deletes my programmes that I have recorded on Sky+.
When my wife text’s me all day saying what she is going to do to me when I get home and then falls asleep watching TV after I have put the kids to bed.

People who try out every transaction at the cashpoint when there’s ten people behind them!
People who say “Smile, it’ll never happen!” (It already did!)
People who stand on the left of the escalators.
Pretty much everything, I think I need therapy!

THE COMEDY CAVERN - BATH

Misogynist old bastards in the workplace who are shite at their job but talk down to you becasue you're young and female (Felicity)
Tins of sardines, when opening the oil always spills out everywhere + not winning your DVD (Jon)
Loud eaters (Stephanie)
When tall people stand infront of me (Jessica)
The pretentious man behind me in the red and white shirt (Tom)
The men I work with! They've taught me to be grateful to feminists (Margaret)
My inability to acheive my full potential as a human being (Anon)
The Welsh + BMW drivers (Andrew)
Playing musical chairs with the wheelchair kid - I always lose (Andy)
Chavs + middleaged drivers + people nicking my pen (Dylan)
People with short attention sp- oooh, she's cute! (Matt)
Feeling obliged to buy naff things from friend's ridiculously expensive wedding gift lists (Laura)
People using the words 'ridiculous' and 'disgusting' when referring to a small queue at the bar, park and ride, cinema (ad nauseum) but never when referring to genocide, war, etc (Annie)
Old people shopping on a Saturday (Jeff)
Porn without dead people (Andy)
Different types of pasta served altogether eg fuesilli + shells mixed (S. Parker)
Drivers who drive everywhere at 40 miles an hour and don't slow down in 30 zones where there are so many hazards (Jodie)

TOWN HALL - HIGH WYCOMBE PART 1

Politicians speaking on television without being plugged into lie detectors (Jon)
Pretty much all of the population of South Buckinghamshire, and their silly cars (J. Carpenter)
People on the train who think you want to hear the music on their ipod (Dominic)
Ruth Archer (S. McDonough)
A partner who decides to sort the whole of his summer and winter wardrobe out an hour and a half before we are due to come out to here (Andrew)
Borrowed pens that don't wo- (Ed)
People who constanly jangle coins in their pockets (Alison)
My mother (June)
Women in general - e.g. my friends mother Peggy (Pete)
CArs that go BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM (Rod)
Men who tell you it's an easy thing to do on your computer when it isn't! (Rosemary)
Filling in pointless forms (Anne)
People who spit (Ruth)
Slow people in supermarkets & people who throw rubbish on the floor (Zoe)
Anything with a penis! (Lesley)
14 year old football team that doesn't listen to their coach (Nigel)
My husband, my lover and the kids (Sharon)
Peeling a butternut squash. There is no need for any vegetable to be that impenetrable. And George Galloway - wanker! (Emma)
Having no chocolate in the house (Julie)
16yr old daughters who don't take their fucking contraception (Mike)
The man on the sat nav (Flick)
My wife won't let me twist her nipples in public anymore! (Andrew)
My husband twisting my nipples in public! (Emma)
My husband not twisting my nipples in public (Sue)
Baby on boards signs in cars - makes me want to drive into the back of them (Emma)
Unreadable small print on labels and instructions (Elaine)
Cats shitting in my garden and D.I.Y. fanatics with pwer tools early on Sunday mornings (Alice)
Travelling first class and the champagne runs out.
My husband with half his dinner down his shirt.
Doing everthing at home (I'm the only female in our house - 2 of them are kids).
People who have inane conversations on their mobile phones on trains.

Well as you asked...
The Daily Mail and The Express - especially the weekly Princess Di coverage.
David Starky and Janet Dailey.
Lots of music - Lionel Richie, Simply Red, The Magic Numbers.
Boots that are too narrow - and I'm not that big!
Fitted sheets are now bigger and so baggy and don't fulfil their purpose.
Forgetting what it is that REALLY bugs me!

TOWN HALL - HIGH WYCOMBE PART 2

People and middle lane drivers (Dave)
Women picking up kids from school that block the road + can't drive 4x4's (Jo)
Shopping trollies with a mind of their own (Nicky)
People who think car headlights cost £10 an hour to swithc on (Adrian)
Comediennes picking on members of the audience (Kate)
Hypocritical politicians + sexist men + English tourists abroad (Amanda)
The New Labour Government (Brian)
Reality TV with morons claiming their 15 minutes of fame! (Jade Goody)
My mother (Rob)
Income tax + VAT + road tax + any kind of bloody tax (Ken)
Filling in forms (David)
Being told by my husband he'll be home by 8pm when he knows he won't even leave until AFTER 8pm (Lynn)
Supernanny (KP)
Breakfast radio programme DJ's + people who join a motorway at 45mph (Nigel)
Multi story car parks (Alan)
Kids driving down the road with very loud music / thumping bass / windows open (Tim)
Sadly, when people use the word 'pacific' when they mean 'specific'. Grrr! (Holly)
Cold callers ringing in the evening (Ian)
That Shredded Wheat advert - "Sarah's mum says" (William)

WEST END CENTRE, ALDERSHOT - PART 1

People thinking I am gay just because I am pretty (Dexter)
Dyed dogs and clothes for dogs, seriously why do it?? (Ellie)
Getting the blame for the wet spot (Sarah)
Filling in these bloody forms (Tony)
My 9 yr old who is going on 26 yrs, who would argue black was white (Sarah)
First Great Western cancelling the 06.22 from North Camp to Redhill 3 days a week (Malcolm)
Someone nicked my sign for our school's car boot sale. Why? (Liz)
People driving too close to the back of my car. George Bush. (Not that he has ever been behind me in his car) (Doug)
The man who bought a job lot of coloured paint and then decided to decorate the roads in Farnborough with it - to give them a nursery school appearance! (Barbara)
Packaging thats hard to open and small print on toxic substance bottles (Miriam)
Bad manners - especially by people who work in shops (Rachel)
Cheese (L. Cox)
People ignorance about the Palestinian crisis (Ursala)
When I've run out of toilet paper and the only thing around is wet wipes (Rory)
When you're in the cinema and you've got a great view, when suddenly, either a really tall guy or a woman with massive hair sits down right infront of you (Holly)
When the dozey cashier in Sainsburys doesn't give me my nectar card back and I have to order a new one (Gary)
People at railway stations at rush hour renewing season tickets, student cards, etc! Why do they have to do it then? (Stefan)
George W Bush and Tony Blair (Steve)
People who bring their children along when you meet for a girlie chat (Mary)
Phoning utilities etc who insist on pressing 1,2,3 etc when all you want is a simple Yes or No from a human being. I made 3 attempts to contact BT! (Tania)
Motorists who, when 2 lanes go into one, decide that motorcyclists must use the pavemnet! (Steve)
Men (Julie)
Forgetting to drink my drink whilst writing this (Paul)
Charity muggers (Gary)
Filling in forms (Steve)
Peole making fun of Welsh people and people in red flares (Leighton)
When someone wastes your time for ages, and then goes "Oh! Sorry" and laugh, as if being in a hurry is idiotic (Luc)
Unsolicited sales telephone calls. Last week I was asked if I'd like to buy A SACRED LAWN! It was the 3rd line of the script that gave it away, in context - a scured loan! (Rosemary)

Thought you were FAB last night!
Thank you for coming to A'shot and livening up our evening.
Can I say I don't like people who drive recklessly near our local school and people who cut in front of me in queues.
Come back soon
Susan

Prime Minister Tony Bush
President George W Blair
All politicians everywhere
Soldiers getting drunk on our High Street
People who complain about radio 4 comedy (you're right Jo, they are tossers)
Forgetting to put out my wheelie bin
Bono for using a tax loophole to avoid paying his tax and still asking us to give to charity
Ant and Dec

Great show last night at the West End Centre.

WEST END CENTRE, ALDERSHOT - PART 2

Unable to take drinks into the venue!! (J. Collins)
Old women in supermarkets. (Trev)
When you order food and they take hours to deliver it and then they lie about where they are. (Deirdre)
Just about everything (Brian)
Sharon Osbourne (Jane)
My mother (Gill)
The price of fish (Steve)
Being incorrectly taxed – and then them telling me that I would have to chase it up myself or that it would “all come out in the wash” at the end of the tax year. (Anon)
"Baby On Board" & "Small Person On Board" signs in cars. Mother and baby parking places in supermarkets. Reality shows about common, scummy people. People who let their dogs crap and don’t clear it up. Condoms. Fish signs on the back of cars. (all Rachel)

I love comedy on radio four except when lazy comics blah blah blah blah blah blah moan moan moan blah blah blah.

(JO says: "Feel better now? Feel happy? Wonder why you didn't sign your real name? I'm guessing it's because you're a complete tosser. Yeah. Must be ".)

Loose Women because it's sexist.
Jan McDonald doing a medley of hits from her tour on TV when she only did 2 songs.
Having a young girl on GMTV talking about kids going to court when they are 10 or over when she had a stud on her lip.
People who are crap on doing their own chat show when you haven't got one.
The Best of TATU coming out when they HAVE ONLY HAD TWO hits and the best of the SugarBabes coming out. Will the CD be in three parts beacuse they had three diffrent girls in there lifetime?
Comedy DVD'S which are only under a hour and they cost you nearly £15.00.

(JO says: "Loose Women is NOT sexist. Loose Women is shit".)

Uptight, chain smoking, yuppie, guardian reading individuals who post 'child hating' messages on websites like these complaining about how annoying kids are and that they should be kept under control by their incompetent parents.

Newsflash! We are all kids before we are adults. It is NECESSARY for the progression of human kind to actuall be born under the age of 18 and i'm sure that you were just a little angel weren't you?

And yes i do read the Guardian, I am educated above degree level and no i don't have any kids (just incase you were going to make a sweeping stereotypical generalisation about me!)

(JO says: "Yes, I totally agree with all of this. Apart from the words and the sentiment behind them".)

Meaningless reports and statistics and the experts that get paid to write them.
Every newspaper has an article that starts; "According to a new report..." or "Experts today announced..." and then it's some pile of crap that no one cares about.
"Experts today have announced that three out of four people make up 75% of the population".
If you have information that NO ONE cares about, you are NOT an expert.
You are a BORE.

Watercooler discussion groups – ponceing, facile, fashion-headed, opinionated bigots.
If we have to have office politics, then we should have ladies-cubicle discussion groups – much more enlightening.

Crust free bread for kids!

What is the world coming to?

People who say "PREformance" instead of "PERformance".
People who refuse to recycle.
Slimming club leaders (soooooo patronising!)
People who litter.
Nikki from Big Brother - who IS she? who IS she? silly cow!
People who moan about being skint then spend £100 a month on their mobiles, £300 on clothes they only wear once and £Godknowshowmuch on drink/drugs.
Thanks for the opportunity to let off steam, Jo - see you at Christmas in Jongleurs.

The "roofer" who came to quote me for repairs to my roof and asked if I had a ladder he could borrow - how does he normally get up on the roof !!!!!!!!

People who use IS and WAS instead of ARE and WERE

(JO says: "I agree with that. I am a complete pedant. I hate it when people use the wrong word - like saying "perverse" when they mean "perverted". Or saying "Bulemic Dunderhead" when they mean "Kate Moss".)

People who phone public telephone boxes, who do they expect to pick up?

Then they seem to persist at leats 3 times untill some randomer feels obliged to answer.

Expensive exfoliants.

We seem to feel the need to dish out huge amounts of money so that designer labels can supply us with soap that contains small stones or sand with the promise of glowing skin, which, in my experience is infact more red and raw. £30 for the label, £10 for the packaging £0.50 for the soap and the rocks and sand were picked up free of a small beach off the coast of china, i mean please.

When on 'Flog it', someone's item goes for 50 quid, and they are asked, 'what will you do with the money?'

I half expect them to say, 'I'll grab a pint and a sandwich on the way home!'

The fact that Felixstowe or any surrounding places never have any decent comedy gigs.
And that this town is full of dead or dying old people...

People who look down on female comics simply because they're female.

Cheese - It goes mouldy too damn quick.

And that Jo isn't coming to Ipswich! *shakes fist* Come on, get yer butt down here, not EVERYONE's dead....yet.

When people leave the stickers on the bottom on their shoes and wear them like that!

The fact that rich celebrities can afford luxurious items and buy them rubbing it in the faces of those who are poor, especially those in LEDC's. I'm not saying that everyone who is wealthy should give loads of money away to charity; but if you think about it...celebrities can afford to spare a tiny sum each to try and help combat poverty, right?

The thing that annoys me the most is: neither David Beckham nor his good wife have acknowledged or thanked me for donating a piece of my art to their charity auction for Unicef - a neon which sold for £28,000.

Also, its taken Sky three months to come round and get my picture sorted out.

The BBC sending hundreds of people to Germany at the licence payers expense on a jolly during the World Cup. Why can't they do the commentary from a local pub and save the money?

BBC Radio 5 live turning into Radio Bloke.

The Queen's unending 80th birthday celebrations and the accompanying media fawning>

(Jo says: "I'll bet she was happy with the result in the Germany v Argentina game.")

Insurance company call centres who tell you 'everyone's in the same boat' when they leave you stranded without a car after they've written yours off.
Then offer you two hundred pounds for it and give you seven days to find a new car before taking away their courtesy car and are surprised when it takes a bit longer than that on a budget of five hundred.
Then respond to your three page letter of complaint by ringing up and patronising you for a bit for being poor and having a rubbish car.

Always being right about everything that doesn't matter.
Being the second to last choice.
Being logical in an illogical or non-logical world.
Not being numb.
Being me...

Dithering drivers...out for a drive on a country lane at 42 miles per hour sitting in the middle of the road allowing no room for overtaking and slowinfg down for all road signs.. glimpses of something through the hedge ... but when the village comes with a 30 mile speed limit they become bold and daring and remain at ...42 miles per hour.

The people who serve cheep wine and tell you what a great bargin it is... Akin to this are a variety of cheep largers that apear in six packs at parties and remain on the table while the person who provided them drinks all the Stella.

People who think age gives them wisdom..." I've worked here for 30 years and I can tell you in my experiance you should always put the plug in sink before you turn on the tap.. but then you'd be to young to remember the drought of '76 when every drop was .......etc, etc.."

Celebraty piety... Cliff Richard is the head of this possy but he is followed closly buy Johnathan Edwards and Aled Jones (Actualy Aled Jones fits into another special catagory , pompouse welsh child star who still think they are the bee's knees, another on this list would be Charlotte Church).

Web sites that have a page to go to and then say coming soon, come on Jo get the merchandise up for sale, we want to buy!

(Jo says: "Yeah, sorry, it all went a bit wrong, the whole DVD-CD-perfume-tshirt-autobiograghy bit. We're still working on them. Hopefully everything will all come together in time for my Autumn tour.")

Poverty and people suffering.

Sainsbury's having stopped doing vegetarian parmesan cheese.

The nanny state that has developed in the UK and getting my stiletto's stuck in cattle grids.

When there's only coffee creme's left.

President Bush.

Being kept waiting for the bill in a restaurant.

The war in Iraq.

Plastic tops on organic milk.

Davina McCall, Kirstie Allsopp and Charlotte Church. If we just ignore them do you think they'll eventually go away?

(Jo says: "Poor old Charlotte Church,she's become the barometer by which mothers up and down the land measure their teenage daughter's behaviour. I can just hear them now, 'Oooh, our Karen's out of control, honestly I've seen it happen with Charlotte Church. If we don't stop her drinking now, before we know it she'll have grown up into Kate Moss'.
To be honest I quite like the little Welsh binge-drinker. I especially like the fact that Charlotte Church's biography is on the shelf right next to Winston Churchill's biography. That's classy.")

The Kaiser Chiefs.

(JO says: "Neil, you're not fooling anybody. Everyone knows South Hampstead really means Kilburn.")

In no particular order...
Celebrity magazines.
Celebrity doctors who treat celebrity patients.
Celebrity butlers.
Celebrity fat people at health clubs.
Celebrity chefs.
What's next?
Celebrity soldiers killing celebrity civilians?

(JO says: "Couldn't agree more. I used to get Hello, heat, OK magazine, Cosmopolitan, and Woman's Own delivered each week. But since the invasion of Iraq (an invasion based on oil, greed and lies and not freedom) I have had a change of sensibilities and cancelled my subscription to Woman's Own.")

People at supermarket checkouts who, when asked if they want any cash back, reply "is it free!"

Shop assistant's in electrical stores, trying to sell you extra cover on a DVD player that cost £19.99.

Building society employee's, standing behind little podiums just as you go in, trying to sell you loans.

When I pop in to see my elderly mother and she says, "hello stranger!"

Anybody who says, in their autobiography, "when I took my shirt off, the ladies in the audience went crazy!" has got to be a major twat of the highest order!

Oh, and Tommy Steele - Flash, Bang, Wallop, what a Wanker!

Graham Norton. Pass the machine gun.

Men under pensionable age wearing flat caps.

People who use stock phrases all the time. "The job's a goodun!", "our kid" and (my particular favourite) "The back end of next week".

People who have huge stretched earlobes you can see daylight through.

Being pestered by strangers for cigarettes.

Crap sex.

I've been up in the night again...

The fact that we weren't treated to a burst of Tsaichovsky's Dance of the Dying Swan from Swan Lake as musak accompaniment behind all the reports from Cellardyke. The propensity for crass philistinism in the media is clearly slipping.

Although judging by the reports, there was nothing glorious in the death of this particular swan. It spent some time bobbing about in the local harbour unaccompanied by an attentive swan harem. I guess it must have been a pen.

While we're on the subject, why can't we have a more imaginative name for the disease that, if you believe the media, is going to be more destructive than the black death. Avian flu, H5N1, they are so unimaginative. Why not the Beaked Death or the Poultry Plague.

(Jo says: "The Beaked Death. I like that. BTW I should have my new funky website up and runing next week and any email I like receives a prize. You would have won for the Beaked Death.")

I am fed up with a neighbour 2 doors away who lets her bloody dogs shit in my back garden. I have complained and 7 days later they still shit in the back yard. And the dog poo law does not cover back gardens. And this idiot woman has not even bothered covering up the hedge, shes getting quotes. So why the hell does she not stop her 2 dogs shitting in my garden. Yes I mean you from Castle Acre Weston Downs you ignorant moron.

Rod Stewart.

He used to be great, years ago, when he was in the Faces, but every time I see pictures of him now, in his shiny shoes and tailed suits, being invariably dwarfed buy some tall blonde, he reminds me of the little groom on the top of a wedding cake!

(Jo says: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Stephen Garner from Knutsford... Stephen contacts the website every couple of weeks so I've collected some of his recent posts and picked out my favourites. Take it away Stephen...")

The acting on Hollyoaks.

Scary Movie 3 always being on Sky Movies.

Hillary Duff playing the Manchester MEN Arena and Andy From X Factor playing the Manchester Bridgewater Hall when they only have one cd to their names.

People who have a go at Carol on Countdown when they have pricks like Paul burrel on. I hope they check for stuff that was missing.

That woman on Brain Teaser.

TV channels showing films when you have them on DVD.

People who don't clap properly>

Bands whos shows start late and they don't tell you until you show up - like The Verve. I got there for 7.30 and the show didn't start until 9.30.

Kids in adverts.

The Royle.

People you have never heard of on Through The Keyhole.

Obese people who drive their cars to the supermarket who are perfectly capable of walking but because they are obese they grab the mobility scooters and cruise around the store while elderly men with walking canes have to manage their carts and canes because the fatty's who could use a little activity are too lazy to push the cart.

Advertising on roundabouts. Hang on a second, I'll just stop the car and note down that phone number. I need a good estate agent right now.

That bloody woman's voice that says, 'Cashier number four!' at every bank, building society and post office in the country. She says each number in a slightly different way, to create the illusion that she's reading it out live, and with a sense of drama, as if she was calling the bingo numbers, all so that we can feel gratified by this quirky, warm, personal touch, as if we hadn't heard exactly the same bloody voice at every other bank, building society and post office we've ever been into and realised long ago that's it's all a con.

In fact, all the phony attempts to fake human warmth by companies that actually don't give a STUFF about human warmth, they just want us to hand over our money as quickly and meekly as possible. That includes the recorded messages that cinemas offer, which a) decline to tell you whether the film you want to see is showing on their big screen or on their screen 8, which is actually a converted broom cupboard (but the tickets still cost £8.50) and b) try to inject so much feeling into the name of each film that you wonder if they expect you to swoon with emotion and then rush off to kiss the nearest stranger just hearing it.

Wankers who respond to the urgent anxiety that all responsible people feel about the threat of climate change by going out and buying an SUV. And then drive around on their own, in a vehicle the size of a tank - or else they ferry their little kiddies around, no doubt congratulating themselves on how well they are looking after their offspring when in fact they're helping to destroy the world their offspring are going to inherit.

Journalists who want to abolish the word 'the' to save a few millimetres on the page. No one who knows how English is spoken actually says - for example - 'I love comedian Jo Caulfield.' We say, 'I love the comedian Jo Caulfield.' Who are these lazy bastards who are bastardising our language? And why can't they just piss off?

There's a whole lot more than makes me angry, but that's enough to be going on with.

Women's Hour - A patronising anachronism. People who need to know how to knit homeopathic jam doilies should just get on line and find fellow extreme housekeepers. Better still, find some new perversion to brighten their dreary lives.

Central heating. To maintain body heat marginally above the point of cryogenic suspension, I spend half the year living with something that sounds like an old girls gastritis: constantly wheezing, gurgling and blowing off.

Tart traps in pedestrianised precincts. The narrow gratings designed specifically to snap off heels and provide a useful scale of intoxication ranging from mild loss of dignity through sprained angle to dislocated hip and fractured skull.

Fat sweaty men who exaggerate the crush on the tube.

Dixons Home Audio and Hi-Fi Assistant Supervisors who clearly think that Madam's IQ is inversely proportional to her breast size.

Wasting time wondering whether Dixons Home Audio and Hi-Fi Assistant Supervisors are too shy to look Madam in the eye, or just to brazen to bother shifting their gaze from Madam's breast.

Shifty little men whose face reflects the emotional crisis caused when one feels compelled by convention to smile at them.
"Is she smiling at me? She can't be. She must be. Does she fancy me?"
"No you gimp! People just do this smiling at strangers thing; its part of being socially adept."

Enthusiastic telesales tossers phoning unsolicited on behalf of my bank, usually early evening when I'm really busy, to say that during a routine review of the account they've noticed just how skint I must be and wouldn't it be wonderful to take out a nice big loan at a preferential rate so I can be even more skint shortly afterwards, then, after I politely explain that I am really not interested in whatever it is they are flogging right now, they suggest that, as it is a joint account, perhaps they should have a word with my husband.

The fringe on my faux leather University of Oxford souvenir bookmark.

Butter - whats the point of it when you can't spread the stuff on toast or bread, or is it just my wife that insists on keeping it in the fridge? It really makes me angry trying to spread it.

Just simply Jo Whiley of radio one fame. Shes so annoying.

Jo Caulfield's DVD not being available yet!

"Quote Unquote" being on instead of "Just A Minute".

CCTVs on every lampost.

Cleaning out my daughter's hamster.

Lads Mags - they're so "post modern" - no they're not, they're stroke mags.

Terrapins.

(Jo says: "Totally agree with the "lads mags". They're written by tossers and read by wankers. As for the DVD, we're still working on it.")

Only the one thing... Bloody people with bloody clipboards who get all bloody self righteous when you tell them "I'm sorry I can't do your hour long survey about badger vomit because I need the toilet! And have a life!!" Hanging round town centres like speccy, permed dog turds. Bastards.

Supermarket shelves groaning under the weight of tasteless low-fat foodstuffs. The people that buy them instead of eating less and exercising more. I demand a flying picket outside Sainsbury's opposing their entry.

Non-alcoholic drinks designed to taste as if they were.

People in shops who ask "Can I help you?". Of course they bloody can, why do they work there?

The correct question is "HOW can I help you?"

Of course the most annoying (and probably thickest) people in London are those who don't step aside to let you off a tube train. They can't think even 5 seconds ahead to work out that when those doors open they will have to let you off before they get on. I regularly ask these twats to get out of my way and they look at me in total surprise.

People who get up really early to go to work and let their bloody barking dogs out for a barking piss at 6am every single bloody morning and then have mates round drinking and shouting till midnight when they let the bloody barking dogs out again to have another barking piss.
People who do all that yet still insist on living in a terraced house backing onto lots of other terraced houses.
Oh and people who live in a terraced house with two adults and no garage yet seem to think they need four vehicles parked outside on the street so I can't park within a half mile of my house to unload the shopping. Thankyou.

People who pave their front gardens to make parking spaces and then leave their vehicles stuck out half way across the pavement.

People who drop fast food wrappers, cans and bottles - sometimes three feet from a bin!

Porn when people make no effort, I like people to give their all to their work.

Swindon

Bad drugs

My priapism

Richard Littlejohn.

The Daily Mail for employing Richard Littlejohn. Did they feel there wasn't enough hatred in their rag?

Smoking being banned in pubs just to save the lives of people who drive their kids to school in planet destroying 4x4s.

Lending money to friends who then make you feel like a git because YOU have to chase them up to get it back.

Men who aren't mature enough to cope with the fact that you went out with their girlfriend long before they did.

Having to put up with English and Welsh commentators on Scottish rugby matches even when Scotland aren't playing either of them.

Submitting this list now and then later on keeping myself awake with all the stuff that really annoys me.

(Jo says: "I really like this list and totally agree with most of it. Any more? Tell us about the immature men and the ex-girlfriend. That's the kind of stuff I thrive on.")

Dumb people who actually believe they're smart (though, sometimes it's rather funny), and the fact that Jo Caulfield has no gigs scheduled in Canada, that I can find at any rate.

Linda Smith Dying.

(Jo says: Yes, just so unfair that someone who brought so much joy to people should die at such a young age. As well as being hilarious she was also a warm and generous person and I remember her being very encouraging when I first started off in comedy. She's going to be greatly missed.")

Linda Smith buys the farm but (NAME EDITED OUT), that fat unfunny twat, is still breathing. Why?

Paying enough council tax to bribe Gary Glitters victims parents, for what? In order to support schools which will be truanted from by obnoxious little snots who hang around outside McDonalds pretending they're cool and making total arseholes of themselves. Thats what.

Frikkin 'Celebrity' programs which are full to the gunnells of people that anyone with an IQ which can stagger into double digits will never have heard of. Morons to a man, or woman, or in the case of that trout faced streak of dogs urine that had a hit about three million years ago with 'You spin me round', God knows what.

Pikeys that knock on my door and tell me "We've been re-surfacing the motorways and we've a bit of tarmac left over. Would you be after having your drive done?" As if any motorway agency would employ the scruffy herberts who turn up with the arse out of their trousers and a flat-bed lorry that looks as if it was used to nick stones from Hadrians wall while the Romans were building it.

Tossers who carve you up on roundabouts and then flip you the finger when you sound your horn at them. I hope they all die in screaming agony in the wreckage of their crashed and burning BMW.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel so much better now.

Saw your show last night at Norden Farm in Maidenhead, hell of a laugh. I only booked the tickets on the Saturday before the show. It was almost sold out except for the front two rows. I wonder why? Look forward to your next series on R4.

(Jo says: "Well, according to Richard Smith seats D8 & D9 were empty because of the mother-in-law of Anabella Turpin. And I edited out the name of the unfunny twat because I think it would be more fun if people try and guess who it is.")

Arranging to see Jo Caulfied at Norden Farm on Sunday, only for my lift (the mother-in-law of Anabella Turpin, the venue's acts booker!) not to turn up, and thus leave my wife & I freezing on the kerbside in Oxford for 45 minutes muttering things like "there's no way we can make the show now" and "where can I buy a crossbow?". So that's why Seats D8 & D9 weren't occupied tonight. Oh, I'm so angry & annoyed - can you sense how hard I'm hitting these keys?
If we ever try to see you again, I'll get the train! And we really would like to see you live, as opposed to Deborah (our arranged lift) who - right now, but hopefully these emotions will pass - I'd prefer not to see live again!

Cold Case (American Police Series) only because most of the killers turn out to be men.

People you have never heard of on Through The Keyhole.

Murder She Wrote, has she ever written anything on that show?

The Mum's and Dad's on Stars In Their Eyes Kids because some of them pick who their kids are going to be.

You Are What You Eat because she must have eaten a lady dog because she's a bitch.

Great show at Darlington 25th Feb. What got me annoyed today was finding that the tickets to your show which have been kept in a safe place since I got them had vanished and could not be found even at the back of the drawer where everthing eventually gets put.
Also getting the car ready only to turn on the lights and have the main lightbulb blow.

Hi Jo, we really enjoyed your show on Thursday which, incidentally, wasn't a school night (Leicester half-term)...

The following make me angry, oh, so very angry...

'Do not speed through OUR village' signs. What's so special about YOU? How about YOU don't speed where the rest of us live?

Enormous complicated pushchairs, especially those THREE-wheelers with the front wheel specially placed to trip you up.

Pushchair parking spaces on buses. Why can't parents fold up pushchairs and manage with baby, toddler and the week's veg in one seat space like we did?

Leylandii.

Sitting behind little kids on buses who expect me to join in playing peek-a-boo. Sitting in front of little kids on buses who pull my hair and wipe their sticky little hands on my jacket.

Parents not holding their little kids, or not making them sit properly, on buses. Driver, slam the brakes on NOW.

Fireworks which scare my rabbits.

Eating and drinking on buses. No, I DON'T like sitting on sticky seats. SURELY you can last the 20mins it takes to get home?

GPs who 'don't do ears'.

Film wrappers on CD cases. CD cases. (I've found that opening either is best delegated to someone under 30.)

The countryside. FAR too much mud.

Footway hoggers. You can't get round them without stepping into the road and risking getting run down. This is not about big people. No. Hoggers can be any size. It's the way they move and how they carry their bags and trail their kids.

By the way, Dan from Edinburgh, you are WRONG. Persistent pressing of the Green Man button DOES make the lights change sooner.

Thanks, Jo. Now I feel loads better. Now to re-format my hard drive...

Call Centre staff who tell me my postcode is 'fantastic'.

People who point out the view in the full knowledge that you are not now nor have you ever been blind or visually impaired in any way.

The look of benevelent incomprehension on the face of the builder whose request for a large cash sum you have just refused because he hasn't done any work yet.

The appalling failiure of over paid Brussels bureuacrats to ban the placing of sliced tomatoes in prepackaged sandwiches whilst at the same time allowing Gerri Halliwell to do a cover of 'It's Raining Men'.

Two or more cat lovers allowed to gather in one place where there are non cat owners present.

Adverts on the BBC involving tap dancers, wheelchair dancing, people twirling down ribbons, doing some sort of martial art whathaveyou or tangoing. Or huge flying faces made up of lots of small other faces.

Most things to do with golf.

People who park on pavements.

Radio 4 dramas involving unconvincing Jamaican/ African/ Geordie/ Welsh/ Indian/ American/ Irish accents.

Albums by singer songwiters with childrens drawings on the cover of people holding hands.

Albums by singer songwiters.

Other people.

Children.

Other peoples children

Open bags of alfalfa sprouts offered round by malnourished middle aged hippy females as if they were bags of chips.

Comedians whose websites encourage the angry and annoyed in a desperate search for material.

(Jo says: "Yeah. That's me bang to rights.")

People who sit on you, not next to you.

People who insist on eating a tomato like it's an apple and squelch every mouthful. Also doesn't close their mouth when they're eating. Shouts on the phone and speaks in cliches. I have one person in mind here. Tosser. Feel better already.

LBP (lazy bastard parking) that's people who park directly in front of the supermarket front door because they can't be arsed to walk.

Wet toilet seats you only discover after you've sat down.

Scummy toilets at pubs, festivals.

No bin to put tampons or sanitary towels in.

Bar prices at the Lowry.

Children in pubs annoying everybody but are ignored by their parents who are 'too busy' getting pissed.

Davina McCall - why?

Thatcher.

The Royal Family.

Duchy of Cornwall food eg subsidising a sponging royal.

ParcelForce customer services particularly Christmas period - where's the book I ordered? Bastards.

Silent calls on the answerphone.

Four by four drivers.

Being held up by the school run idiots.

Adverts that have been badly dubbed. Also the car ad that uses Happy Days clips the ad exec should be shot.

Calories.

That'll do for now thanks. Saved me going to a shrink.

I hate it when people say the wrong word...

Like saying syllabus when they mean curriculum?

My mum once explained to a bank clerk that, as her husband was currently a casual worker, his wages flatuated!

Do please excuse my rude intrusion, I'm not a pedant - but I don't get out much.

Butter nut squash is pretty annoying because its very tasty but a bugger to cut into. I would also suggest swede and turnips are in that category as well.

Just to put this into context we have started having one of those organic vegetable boxes delivered each week. Its great but we are starting to flag on the vegetables and despite early success in using them all up each week we are now falling behind. Right now we have two red cabbages in the cupboard, parsnips and Jerusalem artichokes - I dont have the first idea what to do with Jerusalem artichokes!

I have just realised that this ditty sounds fairly gay - I am married and not a vegetable geek at all. And we are in our thirties and not too old!

PS enjoyed your show at the Ashcroft

(Jo says: "Methinks the lady doth protest too much! You are SOOOOO gay!")

At risk of repetition, but these things make me angry so I need to vent my spleen!

Jeremy Clarkson, his views, his programmes, his stupid gormless face! Particularly his glamourising driving fast, hatred of nature & his "amusing" & constant references to modern Germany-implying they are all Nazi`s-lazy, unfunny, & corny comments- twat!! I hate everything about him the biggotted, xenephobic, mysogonistic tosser- may he be wiped out by a falling tree! Apart from that he is OK....!!

Not so much litter, but people who drop litter- they should be executed on the spot! A wee bit harsh I know, make them pick up the litter first, then execute them- ignorant bastards!!

UK independence party/views/people who vote for them etc- Metric measurements are fine, the USA aside (& who wants to be like them?!!) the whole world uses them- we do not suddenly lose our national identity & Britishness because we say "that hill is 500 metres high", GET A LIFE!

I'm annoyed currently by my flatmate Hannah, who cried whilst listening to "2 little boys" by Rolf Harris and was inconsolable for the rest of the evening. (Fair enough, I cried whilst listening too but probably for completely different reasons...)

Also Mary Poppins annoys me, the ideal nanny-who carries a hatstand in her handbag??? Poor little Jane Banks must have been very confused; condoms, a rape alarm and an emergency tampax surely should be sufficient??

I need to pee, but am sitting here listening to your radio show on t'internet. How annoying.

(Jo says: "Far too much information there. And a mental image I'll try not to think about next time I record a radio show. Thank you very much.")

Sorry, I forgot two things from my previous list and it's been annoying me since. And making me slightly angry.

Pretentious TV so-called 'celebrety' chef's who use the term 'Pan Fried' - have I missed something? Does any body fry in any other utensil except a pan? Show me a 'Toaster Fried' breast of chicken with a wild mushroom sauce and I'll be impressed, otherwise, stop being so bloody condescending!

And Gary Rhodes, 'build the dish' - no, just put it on a plate and let me scoff it - it's far easier and won't give me indigestion trying to seperate the layers!

Now that's REALLY better - Cheers!

PS. Can't wait for Derek form Elderslie's next batch of comments - made me laugh nearly as much as Jo did at Huddersfield!!

The unoficial changing of the evening - at least if the television schedules are anything to go by - apparently daytime runs until about 9.00 pm now.

The rediscovery of radio has been a godsend.

Oh and - people who travel on the train every day - don't buy a season ticket - complain about barrier checks - but hide behind their daily telegraphs when a ticket seller passes through the carriage.

(Jo says: "I'm doing 3 nights in Glasgow towards the end of April at the Stand Comedy Club. It's a great club. Tell your friends.")

GP's (and dentists) who, despite their unbelievably large salaries, still whinge about how hard they work, and want people to feel sorry for them. Poor things, perhaps we should have a collection for them....

Oh yes, and pedantic people who have nothing more significant to get angry and annoyed about than the idiosyncrasies of the English language.

PS Jo- booked for your Sheffield show, you are the only woman performing at the Last Laugh in the first quarter of 2006. Need more female comics...

Seeing litter everywhere, banked up against wall, drifting like snow against the kerb and plastic bags hanging from so-oo-o-o-oo many trees and bushes, foreigners must think we cultivate it here!
I mean, there are coke cans lying around here that have gone pink they are so old, and tennents beer cans with the bikini 'model' from the 70's lying around.
God it makes me freak the amount of cash I throw at the Renfrewshire council and to see it squandered on crap like.... erm... oh, that's right, they DONT spend it AT ALL!
The paths and roads are so bad I'm sure NASA send their astronauts here to practice incase they ever have to cope with the rough lunar terrain! I hate this place!
I wish the winter away, not just to heat up a bit and get some colour about my chops, but so as the leaves will come back to the trees and bushes enough for me NOT to see all the rubbish that's lying in between plants and shrubs everywhere. I'm sure that's what the council do too.... "Don't worry lads, take the day off, spring will be here soon and the rubbish will be hidden again.... who's round is it anyway?....." yeh right Mr Councillor, it not just me who thinks there's a conspiracy to dumb down the whole educational system enough for there to be a few generations of absolute thickos who'll vote you back into a job time and time again on the promise that you'll spend money on education that they need, transport that they need (because they're too dumb and poor to drive) and the health service, which they need (due to the fact they cant afford or don't know how to eat healthily).... And when you're back in power, you spend zero, shut down a few schools close a few play areas, then sell the lot to private builders.
Where does the money go? I'd love to know. And I'll find out - believe me! And as for Chavs and Neds... Christ on a bike, don't get me started!! Did the Germans drop a Burberry bomb on this place during the last war?.... Oh no... I could go on all day, time to stop. But I'll be back that's a promise. That's another thing, people who say they'll be back soon and never do! I hate them...

PART 2...

Films shot in total darkness as a substitute for atmosphere.

Choice. Politicians see it as some kind of Holy Grail but in reality it just makes things that used to be straight-forward (eg schools and hospitals) difficult and complicated. And, if we're supposed to have so much choice nowadays, how come all the big shops sell virtually the same things?

Celebrities obstensibly warning about the dangers of drugs but who are really just bragging about their experiences.

Driving with (front) fog lights on during broad daylight. Give them full beam in the face until they get the message.

People who ask if you mind if they smoke after they've already lit up.

The Royal family for being a sponging waste of space.

Parent and child parking at supermarkets. My 70 year old mother has to find a parking space about 6 miles away whilst a perfectly fit young parent and his or her startlingly rotund offspring is invited to virtually park inside the shop.

Patients who don't appreciate the hard work GPs go to.

(In no particular order)

1. People saying "less" when they mean "fewer".

2. Constant saturation advertising for Digital on the BBC (so over-the-top that I got rid of my TV altogether).

3. Unquestioning acceptance that chip and pin will make any difference to fraud whatsoever.

4. Thinking rising house prices is a good thing.

5. Pious over-adherence to the speed limit.

6. Talking about soap opera characters as if they were real.

7. Music that's essentially muzak dressed up, e.g. Celine Dion, Phil Collins, Coldplay etc.

People who write "your" when they mean "you're". Yes you Alison and Nikki! (Pedant? Me?)

(Jo says: "I've got to be honest, I'm a bit of a pedant. I hate it when people use the wrong word - like saying "perverse" when they mean "perverted". Or saying "Bulemic Dunderhead" when they mean "Kate Moss".)

People who walk slowly around shopping centres (usually in a row of 4 or 5).

Pensioners who go to the supermarket on a saturday afternoon.

Anything with Jeremy Clarkson in.

People who call in sick because their hamster died.

Crap service in shops/ food places.

GPs who speak to you like your 6, or make you feel like they are wasting their time (even though you know they get paid each time you walk through the door, and you know you are probably far more intelligent than them...).

Women who look you up and down when you walk into a room, then smile falsely and say 'HELLO DAAHHLING... So good to see you...' Whatever....

People on benefits who can afford to smoke.

Net curtains.

Teenagers who eat with their mouth open and can't use a knife and fork.

Shop assistants who look at you like you're always about to steal something.

The use of pretend swear words; shite, etc. If a swear word is the most appropriate one for the situation, use it, otherwise pick a different word.

Car parks where you have to pay in advance, so I have to keep checking the time.

Car park meters that do not give change, but have charges just under a round number, so I end up paying £1 not 80p.

Having to pay to park in Maidstone in the evenings. This is just a tax on local people who did not realise that the rules had changed.

Arriving at the front door with a bag, and my keys being in a pocket on the opposite side to my free hand. This happens way more than the 50/50 it should be.

People who only drive in the second lane on motorways.

Fog lights in summer.

The amount of thought that I have put into this, as if it were important, and still not being happy with it.

The amount of junk mail, I as a postman have to lug around. Most people just bin it, so why do these companies send so much out?

People who think "I don't want it if it's bill" is funny or original, it's neither.

98% of mercedes-benz drivers. No, you didn't get the road thrown in when you bought it.

Morons at Comet that believe a cooker control knob is a decorative item.

(JO says: "Comet, Currys and Dixons. Or as I call them, the Axis of Evil. If Bush had threatened to bomb them there'd have been no complaints or marches. I'd be right behind him shouting, "Yeah and stick one up Carphone Wharehouse while you're at it!")

Any one, that's ANY ONE, who calls me 'Madam' - I'm younger than Demi Moore for Gods sake (I'm actually younger than Jo - so I hope she gets angry and annoyed by it as well!)

Rudeness - unforgivable in any circumstances.

Waitresses asking 'Was everything alright for you?' (especially if they add the word 'Madam'!), it usually isn't 'alright' in places where they ask that, and they couldn't give a toss any way, they're working for peanuts until they get a job that pays a decent wage.

People ringing me up at work asking to speak to 'The person in charge of the Company's Mobile Phones' - It's me and I really don't appreciate your 8 calls a day.

People (for whatever reason) ringing me up before 1pm on Saturdays (Mother - please take note!).

Thank you, I feel better now!

(Jo says: "Sian, I agree with everything except the last one. I quite enjoy speaking to your mother every saturday morning - she's told me all about you. Have you seen her new website: www.mydaughtersian.com? It's very good. Great baby photos."

The Spanish Inquisition turning up when you least expect them.

Not being able to get BBC4.

(JO says: "Why do you want BBC4? Are they showing old Monty Python episodes?")

Hideous Christmas presents from people who should know better. Pink winnie-the-poo burburry-esk slippers in particular.

People who say 'go on then, hit me' when they find out that you do martial arts.

Scampi flavour Nik-Naks.

Now your asking......

PART 1

Builders who don't whistle when you walk past in a mini. Whats wrong with you guys?

Shop assistants that follow you around so closely you want to accuse them of stealing from you.

Reaching 29. Please god, if I start praying can I stick now?

Smudging your nail polish seconds after you have painted them or sneezing immediately after you have put mascara on. Oh so pretty, Scary Mc Mary.

Waiting for a sneeze that doesn't come. (Look at the light, it generally works! ;-)

Waiting for that bus that doesn't come.....looking at the light doesn't work in this case. You might as well walk it your gonna get wet.)

Failing your driving test. Again.

Turbulence on aeroplanes.

People passing wind in confined spaces.

Lifts that sound and look like they aren't safe. Or smell of pee.

Laddering your tights on a night out. Or whenever really, just laddering your tights! Then being too pissed to consider taking them off, then spending the rest of the night hoisting the majority of the hole above your hem line.

Scratching a cd on your favourite track.

The hidden bonus track you have to wait for that appears half an hour later on the disk....

Blowing a speaker(s).

Music made entirely by computer.

ANYTHING going wrong with your laptop. Its like a Bermuda triangle you might as well give up and eat a packet of twiglets (small, crunchy, marmite flavoured).

Spending 3 days photographing stuff for ebay for a £1.57 return. They don't put that on the advert.

Your mate pulling the bloke/girl they knew you fancied.....

Breaking the cork in a bottle of wine. You plonker. Now you cant avoid the floaty bits.

To be continued below...

PART 2

Chewing gum under tables.

Empty MacDonald's packets everywhere, when the nearest MacDonald's isn't for 20 miles. Actually I think there is probably a MacDonald's every five miles. It has become one of our national treasures. A bit like our drug dealers.

Bin men who will only remove what's inside the bin and no other bags of rubbish left beside the bin whatsoever no matter what the circumstances.

A size 10 that comes up on the small side....it really should be a size 12....honest! (This happens a lot after Christmas and New Year....)

Forgetting a spare tampax. Ladies.

Burning toast!!!!! I mean, how bloody easy is it to cook toast?? Or get an egg right?

Spilling red wine down a white outfit/ Baby puking on your work outfit.

The effect breast feeding has on a woman's breasts. Now I need 3grand for the boob job. Maybe I can make the stretch marks into some kind of elaborate tribal earth mother tattoo?

Getting into the packaging on kids toys without needing a screwdriver, bandage or plaster. Or a man.

People who smoke in cars with kids. Why not open your kid's jaws and give them blow backs? Or just paint cancer directly on top their skin? Why not?

The fact that kids don't give up their seats on buses for pregnant women or the elderly.

Giving change to one homeless person only to be swamped by 11 more who saw you give......

Homeless people sitting by cash machines. No No No.

Folk that park over the lowered part of the pavement designed for buggy or wheel chair use. Be considerate.

Obligatory prawn crackers from the Chinese take away. What are they about? Do the Chinese really eat them with every meal? They taste awful, are totally un-nutritional and resemble greasy fried skips (crisps).A lot like battering a mars bar (like they do in the north, mi duck). Yet you feel compelled to eat them while the rest of your food gets cold. Then before you know it the whole bags gone and you have to spend the next year in the gym shedding the guilt and the following year shedding the fat. Squeeze one between your fingers, go on. yum.

I could go on...........

Supermarket till queues. We've got '5/6/10 items or less', 'baskets only', 'cash only' - the variations go on.

How about a 'blokes with baskets & cash only (and that doesn't mean £ 29.97 in copper which you will take ten minutes to find to seem helpful), no trivial chit-chat with till operator, no dawdlers, guaranteed to get home before midnight' till.

As an aside, I'll also mention the brainless repetition of the questions till operators are taught to ask during their training, when they are obviously irrelevant. I do not need help with my packing when it is clear to any being with an ounce of intelligence that a carrier bag is of no use. You don't need a tape measure and weighing scales to work out that a 24-can case of lager is too big/heavy for a crappy plastic bag. Get it?

7 Things that annoy me.... Impulse buying, having buyers remorse, selling my impulse buys on EBay, buying more things on impulse. Doing that over and over again until I lose all the money from my original impulse buy due to my items selling cheap, being broke, realising that I have hundreds of pounds in unpaid ebay fees.

Two things i like... The comic side of 7 days and Jo Caulfield, on the comic side of 7 days.

Bags on wheels.....carry it! 100 Greatest Moments on C4...please please please don't do any more of these Jo, they're the scourge of cheap TV scheduling. How long before we get the 100 best 100 best TV moments? People who quote Monty Python. The Fast Show and Little Britain...be original for god's sake! Cillit Bang Tom Cruise and Kevin Costner - I don't know why but god they're irritating. Tribute bands. Bulldog Broadband - signed up with them and never received a modem....how do you get broadband without one? Talk about shoddy! People who are always annoyed......oh.

(Jo: "The 100 best 100 best TV moments? I'll have to mention that to Channel 5. Bulldog? I'll bet my NTL story is worse. And stay away from Comet unless you want bad service and lies.").

Thinking you've got a REALLY funny joke for a website, but realising too late that....it's actually er,......oh.....that........... .........uh, never mind.

(Jo: "All of a sudden the badger-head man doesn't seem so stupid, does he?").

Dear Jo, Listened with pleasure to your piece on Radio4 some weeks ago now, and was trying to access the " list of things that irritate!" In a few weeks I've got a discussion group talking about anger, and I thought it would be great to utilize some of our observations if that would be alright. A sense of humour is a good weapon. Best Wishes, Robin

The fact that no-one knows why badgers have stripey heads.

(Jo: "There's nothing I can say to this!").

Ellen Degeneres.

People saying 'toilet' when they mean 'lavatory'.

People who have no manners.

People who have no consideration for others.

People.

Saw you on Sunday - I sat between the Geneticist- which helps your Radio 4 demography rating , and the gay boy band lad (actually he turns out to be an actor. (I did the gibberish on computers) Thoroughly enjoyed whole festival.

What annoys me:

"No satisfactory explanation for why there are three condoms in a packet?.

Parents who let their children run wild screaming everywhere.

Natasha Kaplinsky (BBC Breakfast) reporting from Kenya. According to her, Tesco is saving the world from poverty (had she ever had a brain this one?).

People who claim Great Britain is great but who have never lived abroad.

People who go to Ibiza on holidays.

People who get annoyed at traffic Jams?get yourself a bike!

Blonds with big (fake) boobs, I'd put them all in a concentration camp ... and friends who say they'd love to join the same concentration camp.

Bothering having sex but not getting an orgasm (arrghh, puts me in the worse mood).

My posh neighbours who walk their dogs in the private gardens but get them to shit in the public park.

ParcelForce customer service.

Thought you were fab. Great show. Thanks. We don't like:

People who go on Big Brother and use it as a way to launch a career in television.

People who use comedy as a stepping stone to a job as a TV presenter.

Not enough funny women on TV (u would be gr8!)

We also hate people who write in text! (Rebecca!)

Media whores.

(Jo: "Media whores? Yes, I'm with you on this one. Remember; if it walks like whore, talks like a whore and looks like a whore... then it's Paris Hilton.")

Synthesised voice call centres, with five option levels before you get to talk to a human being. Especially those that are prefaced with 'Calls may be recorded for training purposes'.

Also call centres in India where you have you ask the operator to spell his/her name before you can address them, and when you do you can never make them understand your problem. I now will not use insurance companies who utilise these foreign call centres. In fact I recently arranged some insurance with SAGA, and ask first if they had a call centre in the far east. "We don't go any further east than Folkestone" said the girl transacting my business.

People who press the pedestrian crossing button repeatedly in the belief this will make the green man come quicker.

Uncomfortable chairs.

Subsidising the Royal family.

Living under a flight path.

People who sneeze on their hands and then shake hands with you. They are bastards.

People who spell 'Windsor' without the D.

The fudge shop opposite the Castle.

Women who have tattooes above their arses (from Pissed Off Bloke).

People spelling my name wrong (from Paula).

People who say "Like you know what I mean" or "as you do" after everything they say (from Rhodri).

Parents who bully their children because they think it's their right as a parent (from Fi).

My soon to be ex-husband.

People who collapse onto the train seat next to you and make your whole body shake!